Well I have managed it round the doctors and then the benefits agency and I was going to start off on one about it all. Then I turned the news on and suddenly my pain of getting through the day was kicked to the kerb. Another pointless shooting in America where at least 3 innocent people have been robbed of their lives. Then I hear that in Norway the killer in that massacre has got 21 years, less than a year for each person he killed. Those two bits of news put me back in my place.
I have spent the day hobbling around on crutches, complaining why me, when I want to go faster or do more, and yes basically being thoroughly frustrated and in constant pain. At one point I was in tears from it all, and the benefits officer actually suggested I stop trying to get work and concentrate on getting stable. So its been a very emotional day. But the self pity party soon got stamped on when I saw that news and thought I actually have no right to be this morose. Over the last 10 years we have lost more people in the UK and America to gun attacks and plain terrorism that ever, and I doubt anyone, doesn't know someone affected one way or another, with it be a victim directly or a friend of a friend, or perhaps a member of the armed forces sent to protect us. As I have family all around the world from the States with my husbands family to Israel and New Zealand on my side, so we have seen the affects indirectly on more than one account. To add to that all the recent natural disasters we have had, is no wonder the amount of people suffering from stress has greatly increased in the last 5 years . How many of us have sat up through the night waiting for news of a friend or relative during one of the last tsunamis or earth quakes. I know I have.
To be honest I don't know whether this modern world of cyber has made it easier or harder. Because we are getting the news almost instantly from all over the world, we ant the answer that our beloveds are OK at the same speed, which more than often is not physically possible as the phone or Internet lines are down. This then increases the stress of any situation, sure its made the world a smaller place and it has made it easier to share news and make new friends all around the world. To be perfectly honest through the last few years I would be lost with out my cyber friends and the ease of the way I can keep in touch with life long friends and family. But there are days I have to walk away and turn it off, as I find I can get stressed over things that I can do little about. Then again to every minus there is a plus and the plus is I can help and cheer up others and they do the same for me/
Any way now I have got my perspective back in check and had a cheery tweet from @vanessariddle (check her out she is awesome) I can go back to my day without being so much poor me and report more factually. It start with a fraught trip , only because moving husband fast is as rare as devils tears. Anyway hubby insisted in accompanying me into the doctors room, mainly because he was scared i would do myself some damage if I went alone, don't ask, i don't understand how either. My doctor is a lovely young man who has a zest for life and the positive it is contagious, and because of this I have to see him monthly for my sick certification. His reasoning, and I understand his point, is to write one for 3 months can be demoralising for the patient as it is saying there is no real chance of improvement for that length of time. So for the next 4 weeks I am not able to work and by then pain clinic have got hold of me so we will know more facts. Till then my medication is not to be increased any further for pain relief so till the 17th its a case of grit and bare it. I have also had my eczema re assessed and that is not responding to the medication but increasing from the stress, honestly I now cant count the amount of blisters i have on my hands, which reminds me I need to change my nail polish design to distract from it. So I am now on a higher steroid cream and see if that works in the next few days if not its another phone call appointment and try something else. On the plus my summer cold is getting the hint to get lost its just a minor cough and sniffle now which is good. I have till next Thursday to toughen up for the paraolympics, which I have no intention of missing. Although when we bought the tickets I was meant to be going as mums carer not her looking after me, but either way we will both enjoy it. Anyway I am getting side tracked, after the doctors its was away to the benefits agency, who to be honest really weren't that bad, in fact they are also playing the waiting game to see what pain clinic have to say about it all. In the mean time I have a mountain of paperwork to fill in for DLA a benefit that will hopefully give me some money to enable me to get out and about as it will pay for the additional fuel of driving me to places I used to walk to. This along with the benefit I already get will guarantee that in the not to distant future I will be sent for that independent medical I am dreading. But like I said today's a day of getting my perspective in check and in the greater scheme of things is a medical the end of the world, I know I don't like discussing it all with some stranger and I certainly have issues about being prodded and poked by one, but if it leads to something more beneficial and may be even a way to get back to work then so be it.
Living with conditions like CRPS are hard and frustrating for not just the sufferer but all those around than, but I would sooner live with these, that have what has happen to other innocent victims today. Perspective is a wonderful thing at times, when you remember to check it.
Friday, 24 August 2012
And then there are those nights...
Its been long over due, but still I am never prepared for it. Those nights when no matter how tired I am the pain levels are so high nothing is going to enable me to sleep. Welcome to the world of CRPS. As every sufferer will tell you the pain is a very singular thing, to some people its a constant burn to others a stabbing pain. For me tonight there is both stabbing through the lower back and subsequent burning through hips, knees and feet.
There is no rhyme or reason to this kind of pain, or what can set it off, but when it hits it hits hard and little can ease it. Ive tried lying down, elevating feet sitting up, you name it I have tried it. I am limited on what else I can take on the cocktail I have been taking. It is as if my body knows that in less than 7 hours it has to report to the doctors for a review.and 5 hours later it has to repeat this findings to the benefits officer.
That's the joys of living with long term illnesses, the need to be reviewed, and then justify these reviews to some one who little knowledge of my day to day existence with pain and frustration. Its not these people don't want to understand, but more it is impossible to understand how painful it can be just to make a cup of tea some days, yet others it can be almost a normal undertaking. It nothing like a person who is living with something the loss of limb, people can see that disability, but the affects can be as crippling. Saying that when we try to explain it or have to fill in a disability form the questions are the same for everyone, whether you are missing a limb, suffering from a mental illness or a CRPS sufferer. I have heard of ex soldiers missing various limbs having to the answer the question "are they liking to gain the missing limb back" ? Seriously I know there have been progression in medical science but I don't think we have quite got that far. Its as insulting for a parent of a child born with total blindness due to a fault with the optic nerve, being ask is their child's sight like to improve in the next 6 months, How are those poor parents left to feel after that. I was asked by one officer at the benefits agency, do I take anything for the pain that would enable me to work. By then I usually list everything I am on what its for and then get a silence followed by " how are you awake". There is my point the pain can be so great like tonight it would take a full on anaesthetic to knock me out.
I am not.saying these people are uncaring, in most cases far from it, but I really wish they would stop and think for a minute before they speak. If they realised that the person before them is struggling to walk on crutches from the main door to the desk where they have to report, and that sweat across their brow isn't for show but pure exhaustion from that effort. Or their speech is slurred or even fast an erratic it maybe from the medication they have taken to give them the mobility to attend this interview. I know for a fact I am going to have to attend a different kind of interview soon w, with an unknown doctor who is going to judge me on his own observations and if I am lucky he will read the notes from my GP, physio and by then specialist. Far enough there will always be people who try to cheat the system, but for every one who cheats the system there are ten in desperate need for help. It will be hard for me because backs are the obvious cheat, but without my crutches at the moment I am almost folded in half because my disc and vertebrae can't stand the pressure. Mixed with over stimulated pain sensors courtesy of CRPS and its painful. But pain is hard to explain, how do you tell someone that the pain courses from your lower back to knees is so sharp you could scream 24/7 and you never know when you put your foot down whether the leg is going to support your weight or crumble due to the pain. For me the scariest one is walking up or down the stairs in case i physically lock up or stepping up to the foot stall and being jammed cursing in pain and scared to move back down because the muscles are screaming in pain so much that I am fearful if I move i am going to tear a muscle or worse.
That is my life and at the moment there wont be sleep for quite a while until my brain gets bored with the pain and tunes it out. But for now I am watching yet more junk TV frying a few brain cells and remembering the days that were free from pain.
There is no rhyme or reason to this kind of pain, or what can set it off, but when it hits it hits hard and little can ease it. Ive tried lying down, elevating feet sitting up, you name it I have tried it. I am limited on what else I can take on the cocktail I have been taking. It is as if my body knows that in less than 7 hours it has to report to the doctors for a review.and 5 hours later it has to repeat this findings to the benefits officer.
That's the joys of living with long term illnesses, the need to be reviewed, and then justify these reviews to some one who little knowledge of my day to day existence with pain and frustration. Its not these people don't want to understand, but more it is impossible to understand how painful it can be just to make a cup of tea some days, yet others it can be almost a normal undertaking. It nothing like a person who is living with something the loss of limb, people can see that disability, but the affects can be as crippling. Saying that when we try to explain it or have to fill in a disability form the questions are the same for everyone, whether you are missing a limb, suffering from a mental illness or a CRPS sufferer. I have heard of ex soldiers missing various limbs having to the answer the question "are they liking to gain the missing limb back" ? Seriously I know there have been progression in medical science but I don't think we have quite got that far. Its as insulting for a parent of a child born with total blindness due to a fault with the optic nerve, being ask is their child's sight like to improve in the next 6 months, How are those poor parents left to feel after that. I was asked by one officer at the benefits agency, do I take anything for the pain that would enable me to work. By then I usually list everything I am on what its for and then get a silence followed by " how are you awake". There is my point the pain can be so great like tonight it would take a full on anaesthetic to knock me out.
I am not.saying these people are uncaring, in most cases far from it, but I really wish they would stop and think for a minute before they speak. If they realised that the person before them is struggling to walk on crutches from the main door to the desk where they have to report, and that sweat across their brow isn't for show but pure exhaustion from that effort. Or their speech is slurred or even fast an erratic it maybe from the medication they have taken to give them the mobility to attend this interview. I know for a fact I am going to have to attend a different kind of interview soon w, with an unknown doctor who is going to judge me on his own observations and if I am lucky he will read the notes from my GP, physio and by then specialist. Far enough there will always be people who try to cheat the system, but for every one who cheats the system there are ten in desperate need for help. It will be hard for me because backs are the obvious cheat, but without my crutches at the moment I am almost folded in half because my disc and vertebrae can't stand the pressure. Mixed with over stimulated pain sensors courtesy of CRPS and its painful. But pain is hard to explain, how do you tell someone that the pain courses from your lower back to knees is so sharp you could scream 24/7 and you never know when you put your foot down whether the leg is going to support your weight or crumble due to the pain. For me the scariest one is walking up or down the stairs in case i physically lock up or stepping up to the foot stall and being jammed cursing in pain and scared to move back down because the muscles are screaming in pain so much that I am fearful if I move i am going to tear a muscle or worse.
That is my life and at the moment there wont be sleep for quite a while until my brain gets bored with the pain and tunes it out. But for now I am watching yet more junk TV frying a few brain cells and remembering the days that were free from pain.
Thursday, 23 August 2012
GCSEs and summer colds
It is a long time ago I was in the position of today's 16 year old. waiting for those dreaded results. But today was my god daughters turn and that of a few friends, and I remembered that dreaded feeling of opening the envelope. In my case it was followed by the sickening disappointment that my last five years weren't worth the paper they were written on. I had a back up plan though and a year later I was in the same position but this time the results were far more to my liking. But what I have noticed this time round is something that wasn't there in my day. Peer and parental pressure!
In my day there was certain expectations, be we always had a back up plan and it was no great hassle if you did a year of resits, or in my case actually got to do the subjects I originally wanted. But now its a matter of not if you got any grades above C well done its how many A or A* you got and basically anything below a B isn't worth anything. Being stuck on duvet day, as well as the dreaded summer cold has finally found where I have been hiding, I have had the time to peruse various college options on behalf of my god daughter, and boy was it an eye opener. All the labelling of academic achievement that in the 1980's and 90's had been removed is back with force. To be honest there is less cut throat competition in the Olympics than getting your off spring through to the next stage of education. I guess I was lucky I had been subjected to such a bad experience through out my formative education give or take 3 years when I was put in a junior school that understood me, my family had already accepted my grades weren't going to be reflective of my true possibilities. Hence we had a back up plan of a local college offering subjects I wanted to do and with an adult system of learning far more suited to myself. But if I was in that situation now I wouldn't stand a chance, I wouldn't have stood a chance of getting into college and would have been forced to endure two more years in a place I couldn't stand.
I have spent the day talking to other people about it and its a common thing that is creating some majorly competitive parents who are relying on their offspring to perform to the level of the peer expectations. Whilst I reach for another tissue due to Rudolf nose I am wondering how much the sales of Kleenex have increased due to tears of Joy and in affect disappointment. Whilst some families are out celebrating for achieving the dream for which they have worked bloody hard others are left pondering their options and trying to work out what went wrong. It seems an almost medieval torture of introduction to the adult world of disappointments and failure. I can only feel concern for the youth who are subjected to this level of stress so young. Are we now robbing them of their youth with adult expectations, and if so are we returning to a Victorian era of childhood being nothing more than making miniature adults?
As I write this they are now implying the exam borders are deliberately marking down the grades. So not only do these children struggle to achieve their best they are now being used as pawns in a political game they can not even vote for, Its a nasty enough world out there as we all know, so why expose the next generation to it earlier than they have to be. Even at school they are penalised for ill health despite the fact children's immunities are lower till they are 18, and why do they hold the exams in a season notorious for hay fever suffers. Everything is weighted towards a world filled with failure for these children.
Life is hard, I know that 1st hand as being a chronic illness sufferer it is twice as bad, because no one wants to take the gamble of employing me due to my sick record, but I am nearly 40 and my experience of life has made me tougher, if you asked me to cope with the life I have now at 16 I doubt I could cope. So as I return to my coughing and sniffing, dreading tomorrows doctors review I pray that all those who have received their results today can find the right path to forward to the next step. Whatever your grades well done to one and all.
In my day there was certain expectations, be we always had a back up plan and it was no great hassle if you did a year of resits, or in my case actually got to do the subjects I originally wanted. But now its a matter of not if you got any grades above C well done its how many A or A* you got and basically anything below a B isn't worth anything. Being stuck on duvet day, as well as the dreaded summer cold has finally found where I have been hiding, I have had the time to peruse various college options on behalf of my god daughter, and boy was it an eye opener. All the labelling of academic achievement that in the 1980's and 90's had been removed is back with force. To be honest there is less cut throat competition in the Olympics than getting your off spring through to the next stage of education. I guess I was lucky I had been subjected to such a bad experience through out my formative education give or take 3 years when I was put in a junior school that understood me, my family had already accepted my grades weren't going to be reflective of my true possibilities. Hence we had a back up plan of a local college offering subjects I wanted to do and with an adult system of learning far more suited to myself. But if I was in that situation now I wouldn't stand a chance, I wouldn't have stood a chance of getting into college and would have been forced to endure two more years in a place I couldn't stand.
I have spent the day talking to other people about it and its a common thing that is creating some majorly competitive parents who are relying on their offspring to perform to the level of the peer expectations. Whilst I reach for another tissue due to Rudolf nose I am wondering how much the sales of Kleenex have increased due to tears of Joy and in affect disappointment. Whilst some families are out celebrating for achieving the dream for which they have worked bloody hard others are left pondering their options and trying to work out what went wrong. It seems an almost medieval torture of introduction to the adult world of disappointments and failure. I can only feel concern for the youth who are subjected to this level of stress so young. Are we now robbing them of their youth with adult expectations, and if so are we returning to a Victorian era of childhood being nothing more than making miniature adults?
As I write this they are now implying the exam borders are deliberately marking down the grades. So not only do these children struggle to achieve their best they are now being used as pawns in a political game they can not even vote for, Its a nasty enough world out there as we all know, so why expose the next generation to it earlier than they have to be. Even at school they are penalised for ill health despite the fact children's immunities are lower till they are 18, and why do they hold the exams in a season notorious for hay fever suffers. Everything is weighted towards a world filled with failure for these children.
Life is hard, I know that 1st hand as being a chronic illness sufferer it is twice as bad, because no one wants to take the gamble of employing me due to my sick record, but I am nearly 40 and my experience of life has made me tougher, if you asked me to cope with the life I have now at 16 I doubt I could cope. So as I return to my coughing and sniffing, dreading tomorrows doctors review I pray that all those who have received their results today can find the right path to forward to the next step. Whatever your grades well done to one and all.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
The OUCH factor
Yep it should be a duvet day, but now I have new found freedom I thought it a good idea to accompany mum to the allotment. I know in retrospect it was a crazy idea, the uneven ground and crutches just don't mix. But it was nice to get out and go somewhere where shoppers and baby buggies can't send me flying like a skittle pin. It was achieved with much ouching and owwing from me and I got to stand on the side and yell instructions from the peanut gallery. But it was frustrating seeing how much needs doing and knowing the chances of me being able to help this year are very low.
So now I am paining the price, surprisingly not so much my back or even my shoulders its the little bit above my elbows which keep getting pinched by the arm rests of the crutches. It has happened so many times today i now have a nice line of bruises on each arm. So the rest of the day will be spent working out how to prevent this being a permanent feature. With this British weather I can't be expected to wear long sleeves all the time, so its research night. I have a feeling it will involve crepe bandages and tape. Any one with any ideas please let me know.
Anyway that's my plan for the evening, but it has got me think how do the designers come up with these designs and what spurs them on to do so. If you think about it there is so simply but complex designs in a simple set of crutch's. There are two spring loaded adjustment points on each set to make one set suitable for most. heights. Then there are the rubber stops on the ends to stop skidding. and then there are those wonderful arm holders which have the hindges to make it easier to get in and out of. It is these hindges that are source of my soreness. I guess most people don't try to navigate an allotment or similar on the sticks but it does show the constant need for these wonderful people who design and test these mobility aids. Its the same for the chemists and such how design the new improved drugs. Its like one of the medications I am on was originally designed by its creator for epileptics to prevent seizures, it was only when he aquired a back injury himself did he he find that both that medicine and another one used for anti depressed worked marvels for reducing back pain. So it like so many drugs were found to have double use, making them a more valueble invention or discovery.
As those inventors have found double useage I am trying a double useage for a piece of fashion clothing and please dont laugh. the temporary suggestion to my ouch factor is to use leg warmers on my arms when walking about on my crutchs. So for the next few days we will give that a trial. I expect some weird looks as all we have in our house is neon 80s left overs of leg warmers, but if it works I guess I will be on Ebay replacing the neon to more subdued colours. But hey it my change my ouch factor to an x factor.
So now I am paining the price, surprisingly not so much my back or even my shoulders its the little bit above my elbows which keep getting pinched by the arm rests of the crutches. It has happened so many times today i now have a nice line of bruises on each arm. So the rest of the day will be spent working out how to prevent this being a permanent feature. With this British weather I can't be expected to wear long sleeves all the time, so its research night. I have a feeling it will involve crepe bandages and tape. Any one with any ideas please let me know.
Anyway that's my plan for the evening, but it has got me think how do the designers come up with these designs and what spurs them on to do so. If you think about it there is so simply but complex designs in a simple set of crutch's. There are two spring loaded adjustment points on each set to make one set suitable for most. heights. Then there are the rubber stops on the ends to stop skidding. and then there are those wonderful arm holders which have the hindges to make it easier to get in and out of. It is these hindges that are source of my soreness. I guess most people don't try to navigate an allotment or similar on the sticks but it does show the constant need for these wonderful people who design and test these mobility aids. Its the same for the chemists and such how design the new improved drugs. Its like one of the medications I am on was originally designed by its creator for epileptics to prevent seizures, it was only when he aquired a back injury himself did he he find that both that medicine and another one used for anti depressed worked marvels for reducing back pain. So it like so many drugs were found to have double use, making them a more valueble invention or discovery.
As those inventors have found double useage I am trying a double useage for a piece of fashion clothing and please dont laugh. the temporary suggestion to my ouch factor is to use leg warmers on my arms when walking about on my crutchs. So for the next few days we will give that a trial. I expect some weird looks as all we have in our house is neon 80s left overs of leg warmers, but if it works I guess I will be on Ebay replacing the neon to more subdued colours. But hey it my change my ouch factor to an x factor.
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Some times we all need a little help
This morning I spent in the company of the NHS, or in other words at my GP surgery. Nothing unusual there, it is so frequent at the moment I have expect to find my name etched on a chair soon. The doctors visit was fast and furious and the annoying blisters on my hand are nothing more than stress related eczema, It was the secondary appointment with my physio that was enlightening, after her initial shock or more like horror at the state I was in. She almost sent me straight back to the GP, until I pointed out he was already 30 Min's behind and I do have another appointment for back review on Friday anyway. Then she ummed and ahhed for a good few minutes before daring to suggest a course of action. After much pondering and deliberation I am now on crutches and will be for the foreseeable future. Whilst this is seeming to have a very positive affect on my spine and certainly I am more mobile I am now suffering full blown CRPS in my hands as they are having to take the strain.
Its early days but after an initial panic moment where I nearly ended up on my way to hospital at least my physio found a way out of it. Yes its going to be tiring for a while and painful on my hands, but long term it may reduce the duvet days, or if nothing else give me some mobility till pain management clinic in 3 weeks. How ever I did get some explanation which helped me understand some of the issues I am having. I am no medic but I am going to try to pass on the little gems I gleamed. For starters anyone with CRPS will tell you the pain you feel may not be in an area of injury, there is a reason for this. Imagine your pain atoms are little people who are over hyped on say energy drink. They wont sit still, and because of this they are always over reacting whether or not they need to. This also has an interesting side affect and explains one of the nasty side effects I am having. Because these little atoms are over active they are also bouncing around in your brain crashing into things, not necessarily related to pain. The most common of this is your sensory receptors. Hence in my case I can't stand even salted butter at the moment. This is a strange reaction until I was told a medical example. which I will pass on.
There was a baker who unfortunately lost his arm in an accident in his bakery. After months of intensive medical treatment, he was home and living a fully adapted life but for one thing, every Saturday morning he was left screaming in pain from his missing arm. The doctors were totally baffled there was no medical reason for his pain, and there was nothing he was doing on a Saturday that would obviously trigger such a reaction. Until a neurologist asked him to list everything he ate said the works on these days particularly in the the few hours before each attack. Every Saturday morning the mans workers at the bakery would delivery a fresh out of the oven loaf of bread to him. It was the scent of the freshly cooked bread that was triggering the attack of pain as it became a sensory memory of the accident.
Now that is an extreme case of how CRPS and very intensive pain can do in long term damage to the body. What's worse is the people like myself whom have a high pain tolerance, as we don't vent the pain and release the energy building up from the over excited atoms. So the reaction goes inward attacking other things like the sensory receptors.So there is the explanation, and I hope that helps those who suffer or live with those who do.
So today although very stressful, and despite adding more potions and lotions to my ever growing supply, it has presented me with a big learning curve. So I have gained some metal work to help me move about, which it itself is going to limit me from doing things like Surrey Street as I cant pull a trolley on crutches. It does mean my overall freedom will be long term increased. Yes I am still facing an MRI and possibly an operation as a last resort. But for now, after accepting the fact I couldn't continue with out help we have taken a big leap forward. Now where is the radox, my arms are killing me :)
Its early days but after an initial panic moment where I nearly ended up on my way to hospital at least my physio found a way out of it. Yes its going to be tiring for a while and painful on my hands, but long term it may reduce the duvet days, or if nothing else give me some mobility till pain management clinic in 3 weeks. How ever I did get some explanation which helped me understand some of the issues I am having. I am no medic but I am going to try to pass on the little gems I gleamed. For starters anyone with CRPS will tell you the pain you feel may not be in an area of injury, there is a reason for this. Imagine your pain atoms are little people who are over hyped on say energy drink. They wont sit still, and because of this they are always over reacting whether or not they need to. This also has an interesting side affect and explains one of the nasty side effects I am having. Because these little atoms are over active they are also bouncing around in your brain crashing into things, not necessarily related to pain. The most common of this is your sensory receptors. Hence in my case I can't stand even salted butter at the moment. This is a strange reaction until I was told a medical example. which I will pass on.
There was a baker who unfortunately lost his arm in an accident in his bakery. After months of intensive medical treatment, he was home and living a fully adapted life but for one thing, every Saturday morning he was left screaming in pain from his missing arm. The doctors were totally baffled there was no medical reason for his pain, and there was nothing he was doing on a Saturday that would obviously trigger such a reaction. Until a neurologist asked him to list everything he ate said the works on these days particularly in the the few hours before each attack. Every Saturday morning the mans workers at the bakery would delivery a fresh out of the oven loaf of bread to him. It was the scent of the freshly cooked bread that was triggering the attack of pain as it became a sensory memory of the accident.
Now that is an extreme case of how CRPS and very intensive pain can do in long term damage to the body. What's worse is the people like myself whom have a high pain tolerance, as we don't vent the pain and release the energy building up from the over excited atoms. So the reaction goes inward attacking other things like the sensory receptors.So there is the explanation, and I hope that helps those who suffer or live with those who do.
So today although very stressful, and despite adding more potions and lotions to my ever growing supply, it has presented me with a big learning curve. So I have gained some metal work to help me move about, which it itself is going to limit me from doing things like Surrey Street as I cant pull a trolley on crutches. It does mean my overall freedom will be long term increased. Yes I am still facing an MRI and possibly an operation as a last resort. But for now, after accepting the fact I couldn't continue with out help we have taken a big leap forward. Now where is the radox, my arms are killing me :)
Just another day in paradise.. yea right
Some days would be better if they never were. Today being one of those, I am not saying anything went majorly wrong or anything, it just seemed to be stressful for stresses sake, if that makes sense.
Everyone seemed to be irritating each other or not listening to each other, humans, felines, and canines alike. Jobs took forever to get done and some of those never did, instead they are now filed in the Sharon will do tomorrow file, despite me already having enough on my plate. Yet looking back on it there was no one specific reason why the day should have been like that.
Days are funny things when you are little and waiting for something to happen they felt endless, but when it was school holidays or birthdays they disappeared at twice their normal speed. As an adult its a case of blink and you have lost a month. I always seem to see time as a rugby shaped ball when talking about the year but the one side runs from January to august with April and may being the bulge then September to December the other side with Halloween as the bulging bit. Crazy I know but it may have a lot to do with most of the families and friends birthdays being on the 1st side of the ball and the rest in October or December or it could just be my birthday is in October and there are exactly 12 weeks to the day between my my birthday and Christmas day. A point I have always used to my advantage what I didn't get for my birthday always has and still does get moved to my Christmas list. Anyway back to my point we the human race always look for a way to measure time when in reality its not an exact science , and before I have the worlds scientists on my case let me explain. For a start the principle of hours is purely a man made measure to divide the light and dark hours but as we all know this varies depending on the seasons. Then there are the number of days in the month, why do we have more in some months to another? To take it further there aren't an exact amount of whole days in a year, why ? because the idea of year is again a man made name. All we know is we as a planet take x figure of whatever you want to call it , and we spend x in darkness and x in light subject to where we are on our flight round the sun. As has been scientifically proof that can vary as well due to natural occurrences like massive earth mass disturbances can tip our axis slightly affecting all the about. Now I know some of you will be asking where on earth am I going with all this?
Simple it dawned on me its not the number of days or years we live as that varies like the months number of days person to person. Its what we achieve with our allotted time. I realise we aren't all going to be a Mozart or a Florence Nightingale, but think more butterfly affect, you know a butterfly flaps its wings in China and there is a storm in South America. What I have seen since I started using the Internet and that is the effects good and bad a single tweet or face book post can have not just for the intended person but a mass of people. How people or rather I highlight children such as the late Harry Mosley or the very much alive Vanessa Riddle can make adults wake up to their lives and illnesses, that is such a plus to the world. Then there is always the rough side the trolls as they are now known , but I am not wasting time on them. There is the butterfly effect in practise and perhaps now it is even more affective. It was actually people like those children who made me wake up and start this blog to see if it could do some good, but putting out there how I cope with each day whether it is a good day or duvet day.
So as I said at the beginning of this some days are more trouble than they are worth, or are they? Just because we feel we haven't succeeded or achieved anything worthwhile in our eyes, we don't know what kind of affect we have had not necessarily on those close to us, but maybe further afield, did we smile at a stranger? if so was that the only smile they had received that day or something like that.. This time alive is our time in this paradise, use it wisely because no one gets out of here alive, but we can live on in the memories of others.
Everyone seemed to be irritating each other or not listening to each other, humans, felines, and canines alike. Jobs took forever to get done and some of those never did, instead they are now filed in the Sharon will do tomorrow file, despite me already having enough on my plate. Yet looking back on it there was no one specific reason why the day should have been like that.
Days are funny things when you are little and waiting for something to happen they felt endless, but when it was school holidays or birthdays they disappeared at twice their normal speed. As an adult its a case of blink and you have lost a month. I always seem to see time as a rugby shaped ball when talking about the year but the one side runs from January to august with April and may being the bulge then September to December the other side with Halloween as the bulging bit. Crazy I know but it may have a lot to do with most of the families and friends birthdays being on the 1st side of the ball and the rest in October or December or it could just be my birthday is in October and there are exactly 12 weeks to the day between my my birthday and Christmas day. A point I have always used to my advantage what I didn't get for my birthday always has and still does get moved to my Christmas list. Anyway back to my point we the human race always look for a way to measure time when in reality its not an exact science , and before I have the worlds scientists on my case let me explain. For a start the principle of hours is purely a man made measure to divide the light and dark hours but as we all know this varies depending on the seasons. Then there are the number of days in the month, why do we have more in some months to another? To take it further there aren't an exact amount of whole days in a year, why ? because the idea of year is again a man made name. All we know is we as a planet take x figure of whatever you want to call it , and we spend x in darkness and x in light subject to where we are on our flight round the sun. As has been scientifically proof that can vary as well due to natural occurrences like massive earth mass disturbances can tip our axis slightly affecting all the about. Now I know some of you will be asking where on earth am I going with all this?
Simple it dawned on me its not the number of days or years we live as that varies like the months number of days person to person. Its what we achieve with our allotted time. I realise we aren't all going to be a Mozart or a Florence Nightingale, but think more butterfly affect, you know a butterfly flaps its wings in China and there is a storm in South America. What I have seen since I started using the Internet and that is the effects good and bad a single tweet or face book post can have not just for the intended person but a mass of people. How people or rather I highlight children such as the late Harry Mosley or the very much alive Vanessa Riddle can make adults wake up to their lives and illnesses, that is such a plus to the world. Then there is always the rough side the trolls as they are now known , but I am not wasting time on them. There is the butterfly effect in practise and perhaps now it is even more affective. It was actually people like those children who made me wake up and start this blog to see if it could do some good, but putting out there how I cope with each day whether it is a good day or duvet day.
So as I said at the beginning of this some days are more trouble than they are worth, or are they? Just because we feel we haven't succeeded or achieved anything worthwhile in our eyes, we don't know what kind of affect we have had not necessarily on those close to us, but maybe further afield, did we smile at a stranger? if so was that the only smile they had received that day or something like that.. This time alive is our time in this paradise, use it wisely because no one gets out of here alive, but we can live on in the memories of others.
Monday, 20 August 2012
Those little challenges sent to try us
I should have seen this one coming, after all these years and all the different medications I really should know to expect the unexpected and inconvenience. After finally getting some sleep I woke up this morning to the most annoying of new symptoms. The sore mouth bit I am used to,except at the moment I can't even manage butter on bread or my beloved marmite. In fact just smiling hurts! Its the other symptom that's new to the mix a blister type rash on various parts of my hands and fingers, in one place so inflamed it is catching when I move my little finger.
So this morning has been spent on the phone trying to get that elusive thing called a Monday morning doctors appointment. Needless to say I failed in that, how many people really need the doctor on a Monday morning? So then came the 3 hour wait to get a doctor to call me. Bless him I have a very patient and practical doctor who doesn't seem to mind calling me in his lunch break as apparently half of the town were in the surgery this morning. Result there are no spaces today but he has informed me I have show up tomorrow which means back to the telephone at 8am tomorrow morning and sit in an endless queue till I can finally get answered by an over worked receptionist.In the meantime I am stuck with a sore mouth and blisters on my fingers worthy of their own post code.
It's not the first time I have suffered side affects, I, like a lot of people have suffered from the medicines designed to make us better and in few cases have ended up with a night stay in the local accident and emergency unit of the hospital due to these reactions. Its not so much the side affects that get me down its just the fact it slows me down and that causes my morale to drop. Not to mention there is now the big challenge of what can I eat that doesn't hurt, answer not a lot tea is my friend and that's about it.
Although it does raise the question, why are our bodies programmed to challenge us at the most inconvenient of moments. Over the years we have successfully needed the services of our emergency department on Boxing day, a broken finger out of line, New Years Day, Kidney infection 5am on a Saturday morning, toxic shock from medication and so on. And it doesn't just seem to be my household. Like this morning it seemed everyone in Carshalton urgently needed the services of the doctor, considering my surgery has over 10 gps 3 nurses and 2 physios there never seems to be a quiet time, but Monday's and Friday's are the worst. Its like you never go to the A and E dept on a Friday or Saturday night unless its life or death literally because the place seems to be an extension of the local nightclub with various levels of intoxicated injuries. I know personally I have put up with the pain of a broken wrist more than once to time my visit so I avoid those times, not because I am the worse for wear, but more because I am in pain and thus on a low patience threshold. On more than one occasion I have physically left nail marks in a chair up there in an attempt to keep my patience, when faced with the level of stupidity and arrogance of some so called patients. This isn't a moan about the NHS, on the contrary its a moan about the people who abuse it.
I have had many friends over the years who work in the system, including members of my own family and they all say the same thing, they wouldn't do the job if they didn't want to help people, because the pay,hours and unfortunately the treatment they receive isn't worth the effort. I know its an age old moan, but lets tip it on the head. There are a lot of people like myself who have genuine chronic illnesses which when properly managed don't usually clutter up the health resources more than routine check ups. However when something happens to change the balance we are subject to needing weekly if not more doctors appointments, plus extra trips to specialists and in my case physio. This isn't an extreme case, most GP's want to monitor the constant progress or deterioration of the illness so they can amend the treatment given. Add these people to the standard amount of people who have those natural accidents and illnesses that we all suffer and that is enough to keep every doctor and nurse in the country busy. Especially as we have high population numbers at both the young and old ends of the spectrum. So how on earth do we expect these over worked staff to do their job properly when they become inundated with idiots who don't know when to stop drinking or worse. Sure I have had my moments of vodka induced stupidity but it has never landed me in hospital. and thinking back none of my friends landed there either. Whats more I know none of us would have dared to carry on in the fashion I have been unfortunately witness to. Whats worse to hear if the reaction I have had on arrival at both my GPs and Physios, never do I want to hear the words "at last someone who is really ill". Yet I have heard that many times going back as far as to when I was 18. So this isn't a new problem, but has building up for the last 30 years, and it seems to be getting worse as the medical profession no long have the right to tell the time wasters to go get a life.
I am not having a go just for myself, but how many of us have had a wait on our allotted appointment time, in fact I am so resigned to it, I can all but guarantee that tomorrow my GP will be running at least 10 Min's late and my physio probably 20mins. Not because they are lousy time keepers, but because they have an allotted 10 Min's to get a patient in their room find out what the real reason to see them is and diagnosis. Sounds simple but for the fact in some cases including myself it can take 2+ minutes to get from the waiting room to consultation room, in some peoples cases even longer. Then the poor patient has to explain whats wrong, in my case no problem but some people are nervous of this discussion, then the doctor may have to do some form of exam, decide the right course of treatment and explain it to the patient. That's a big ask in a short space of time. All it takes is one patient with something really bad or slightly less oblivious and bang goes all the timing. So what the last thing needed is some paranoid patient taking up the valuable appointments through something stupid or self inflicted. There was a simple rule installed in me at a young age, if the chemist can treat it you don't need the doctors, and if in doubt phone rather than clog up the system, Unfortunately for me like today the doctor thinks my side affects are more worthy of his attention than I initially thought and my presence is ordered tomorrow.
So back to my little challenges, today I am on a go slow till tomorrow, but whats a day when I am sure there is some one else feeling a whole lot worse than me also waiting for tomorrow to come. Yes is annoying, but if everything goes our way there would be nothing left to challenge us. Most of all I take my hat off to those who give their lives to putting people like me back together again, without them I wouldn't be here today.
So this morning has been spent on the phone trying to get that elusive thing called a Monday morning doctors appointment. Needless to say I failed in that, how many people really need the doctor on a Monday morning? So then came the 3 hour wait to get a doctor to call me. Bless him I have a very patient and practical doctor who doesn't seem to mind calling me in his lunch break as apparently half of the town were in the surgery this morning. Result there are no spaces today but he has informed me I have show up tomorrow which means back to the telephone at 8am tomorrow morning and sit in an endless queue till I can finally get answered by an over worked receptionist.In the meantime I am stuck with a sore mouth and blisters on my fingers worthy of their own post code.
It's not the first time I have suffered side affects, I, like a lot of people have suffered from the medicines designed to make us better and in few cases have ended up with a night stay in the local accident and emergency unit of the hospital due to these reactions. Its not so much the side affects that get me down its just the fact it slows me down and that causes my morale to drop. Not to mention there is now the big challenge of what can I eat that doesn't hurt, answer not a lot tea is my friend and that's about it.
Although it does raise the question, why are our bodies programmed to challenge us at the most inconvenient of moments. Over the years we have successfully needed the services of our emergency department on Boxing day, a broken finger out of line, New Years Day, Kidney infection 5am on a Saturday morning, toxic shock from medication and so on. And it doesn't just seem to be my household. Like this morning it seemed everyone in Carshalton urgently needed the services of the doctor, considering my surgery has over 10 gps 3 nurses and 2 physios there never seems to be a quiet time, but Monday's and Friday's are the worst. Its like you never go to the A and E dept on a Friday or Saturday night unless its life or death literally because the place seems to be an extension of the local nightclub with various levels of intoxicated injuries. I know personally I have put up with the pain of a broken wrist more than once to time my visit so I avoid those times, not because I am the worse for wear, but more because I am in pain and thus on a low patience threshold. On more than one occasion I have physically left nail marks in a chair up there in an attempt to keep my patience, when faced with the level of stupidity and arrogance of some so called patients. This isn't a moan about the NHS, on the contrary its a moan about the people who abuse it.
I have had many friends over the years who work in the system, including members of my own family and they all say the same thing, they wouldn't do the job if they didn't want to help people, because the pay,hours and unfortunately the treatment they receive isn't worth the effort. I know its an age old moan, but lets tip it on the head. There are a lot of people like myself who have genuine chronic illnesses which when properly managed don't usually clutter up the health resources more than routine check ups. However when something happens to change the balance we are subject to needing weekly if not more doctors appointments, plus extra trips to specialists and in my case physio. This isn't an extreme case, most GP's want to monitor the constant progress or deterioration of the illness so they can amend the treatment given. Add these people to the standard amount of people who have those natural accidents and illnesses that we all suffer and that is enough to keep every doctor and nurse in the country busy. Especially as we have high population numbers at both the young and old ends of the spectrum. So how on earth do we expect these over worked staff to do their job properly when they become inundated with idiots who don't know when to stop drinking or worse. Sure I have had my moments of vodka induced stupidity but it has never landed me in hospital. and thinking back none of my friends landed there either. Whats more I know none of us would have dared to carry on in the fashion I have been unfortunately witness to. Whats worse to hear if the reaction I have had on arrival at both my GPs and Physios, never do I want to hear the words "at last someone who is really ill". Yet I have heard that many times going back as far as to when I was 18. So this isn't a new problem, but has building up for the last 30 years, and it seems to be getting worse as the medical profession no long have the right to tell the time wasters to go get a life.
I am not having a go just for myself, but how many of us have had a wait on our allotted appointment time, in fact I am so resigned to it, I can all but guarantee that tomorrow my GP will be running at least 10 Min's late and my physio probably 20mins. Not because they are lousy time keepers, but because they have an allotted 10 Min's to get a patient in their room find out what the real reason to see them is and diagnosis. Sounds simple but for the fact in some cases including myself it can take 2+ minutes to get from the waiting room to consultation room, in some peoples cases even longer. Then the poor patient has to explain whats wrong, in my case no problem but some people are nervous of this discussion, then the doctor may have to do some form of exam, decide the right course of treatment and explain it to the patient. That's a big ask in a short space of time. All it takes is one patient with something really bad or slightly less oblivious and bang goes all the timing. So what the last thing needed is some paranoid patient taking up the valuable appointments through something stupid or self inflicted. There was a simple rule installed in me at a young age, if the chemist can treat it you don't need the doctors, and if in doubt phone rather than clog up the system, Unfortunately for me like today the doctor thinks my side affects are more worthy of his attention than I initially thought and my presence is ordered tomorrow.
So back to my little challenges, today I am on a go slow till tomorrow, but whats a day when I am sure there is some one else feeling a whole lot worse than me also waiting for tomorrow to come. Yes is annoying, but if everything goes our way there would be nothing left to challenge us. Most of all I take my hat off to those who give their lives to putting people like me back together again, without them I wouldn't be here today.
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