We really don't know what we have until we have lost it. Yes i am watching the bio pic on Kenny Everett, and it brings back memories of just how much talent we have lost so young, and how their talent took their death to truly find them.
In my life I have seen the passing of so many great talents, most ended suddenly for various reasons, from the likes of John Lennon and Elvis to River Phoenix and Freddie Mercury. Even the likes of Jim Morrison and Marc Bolan they have all left this shadow of what could have been, how much richer life could have been if they had lasted longer. Its the games of what if? But is it a case of the star that burn twice as bright last half as long or is it a case of death made them legends? I don't dare answer that question as I can imagine what theological answers I could come up with.
However it does ask the question, is it what we do in life that matters or how we do it ? Is our memory carried by those closest to us or by the many we touch? I know lots of questions, it the answers that are more interesting. When I was younger i wanted to be remembered by my music now as I am older it is for my writing, I have no bloodline to carry my memory but if I can leave my writing that won't matter.
I wonder if this is the same attitude all those above thought, did they know they were going to go young when they started. Did they know what they would be remembered by? like in the case of Jim Morrison, in my eyes he was a far greater poet than musician and its that legacy that a lot of people remember him for. Its an odd way of looking at life but it does bare thinking about. Is what we set out to achieve going to be the important part of what we leave behind? I know spending all day in the office in a job we can't stand is the way we pay our bills, but its that other bit of our time that counts towards to how we remain alive in the memories.
No one was ever remembered for being the best person to call for over time, but instead the person who was always there for friends. Whilst I go back to my memories of people long gone I leave with this thought. Can I make my memory into stardust rather than be just another lost star.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Spoke to soon
Oh boy, next time I say I am enjoying a day of peace, please tell me to be quiet. Since 2pm its been none stop on the barking front. Not from the large lungs of Rocky oh no its the little yapper on full volume. She just wont shut up, and its driving me nuts.
The trouble is she is a terrier and loves to terrorise literally. Now her daddy is out all day she thinks she can do what she likes where she likes as loudly as possible and the result is my head is now pounding as much as the pain in my back and hips, and my temper is frazzled. So what do you think mums cure to this mania was. Lock the little darling in with me in my room, so now the little charmer has not just maintained the volume but in an octave that could shattered glass along with my ear drums.
Never have I ever wished hubby back home so quickly in my life so he can have his normal affect on the terrier and silence her noise. In the mean time I am reaching for the asprin and hoping her voice will give up before my ear drums do. I have even resorted to songs from the musicals through my head phones and she is still penatrating through that. Seriously I think she could be used as a form of mental torture by MI5.
When law and order has been restored and my thumping head has stopped doing the entire percussion department of the 1812 overture, I will return. Until then I am finding a darkened room/
The trouble is she is a terrier and loves to terrorise literally. Now her daddy is out all day she thinks she can do what she likes where she likes as loudly as possible and the result is my head is now pounding as much as the pain in my back and hips, and my temper is frazzled. So what do you think mums cure to this mania was. Lock the little darling in with me in my room, so now the little charmer has not just maintained the volume but in an octave that could shattered glass along with my ear drums.
Never have I ever wished hubby back home so quickly in my life so he can have his normal affect on the terrier and silence her noise. In the mean time I am reaching for the asprin and hoping her voice will give up before my ear drums do. I have even resorted to songs from the musicals through my head phones and she is still penatrating through that. Seriously I think she could be used as a form of mental torture by MI5.
When law and order has been restored and my thumping head has stopped doing the entire percussion department of the 1812 overture, I will return. Until then I am finding a darkened room/
At last peace... well kind of
There is an a long forgotten peace in our house, the only sound is the noise of my choice of TV, and the odd cat dog confrontation. Apart from this there is that feel of calm long gone. Why I hear you ask? Easy husband dearest is at an induction for a new job.
In our house that absence due to work brings a sense of relieve. as the three of us together never lasts long, too many egos and tempers. Hopefully after this 3 day induction he has a job. Apart from the obvious relief on the finances, there will be a calm from the frustration of boredom. It also means in the nicest way I can possibly move around easier in daylight hours. Mainly because where husband has chosen to watch his endless sports is the only route through from my mock bedroom downstairs to the back room and kitchen. By him not there I can hop through on my crutches with out forcing him to move.
In many ways it is odd, there is no constant yelling at the play or scream when there is a score. I don't have to drown out the commentary of a sport I have no interest in. But mainly mum is not walking around as if the floor is laden with broken glass, she is relaxed and able to work at her own speed.
Now we have one male calm and happy it leaves 3 to sort. The problem is with husband at work one dog and two cats have it in their head they need to defend the house. Rocky is barking at anything that days to venture past the front door whether it be a postman or a leaf, and the two feline horrors are constantly in and out the house inspecting what Rocky is barking at. So we still have a background noise of male origin just a different type of male.
At the moment we are living with the chorus of the barking at next doors window cleaner working. To be honest I am waiting to here the scream as said cleaner meets one of the cats on his ladder. It wouldn't be the first time, one of my perishers have done that. Last time we had the guttering redone one of them went up the ladder and sat on the roof inspecting the men work, only coming down when the work met his approval,
Still we are half way to achieving peace, and that is a blessing. Now where did I hid those ear plugs.
In our house that absence due to work brings a sense of relieve. as the three of us together never lasts long, too many egos and tempers. Hopefully after this 3 day induction he has a job. Apart from the obvious relief on the finances, there will be a calm from the frustration of boredom. It also means in the nicest way I can possibly move around easier in daylight hours. Mainly because where husband has chosen to watch his endless sports is the only route through from my mock bedroom downstairs to the back room and kitchen. By him not there I can hop through on my crutches with out forcing him to move.
In many ways it is odd, there is no constant yelling at the play or scream when there is a score. I don't have to drown out the commentary of a sport I have no interest in. But mainly mum is not walking around as if the floor is laden with broken glass, she is relaxed and able to work at her own speed.
Now we have one male calm and happy it leaves 3 to sort. The problem is with husband at work one dog and two cats have it in their head they need to defend the house. Rocky is barking at anything that days to venture past the front door whether it be a postman or a leaf, and the two feline horrors are constantly in and out the house inspecting what Rocky is barking at. So we still have a background noise of male origin just a different type of male.
At the moment we are living with the chorus of the barking at next doors window cleaner working. To be honest I am waiting to here the scream as said cleaner meets one of the cats on his ladder. It wouldn't be the first time, one of my perishers have done that. Last time we had the guttering redone one of them went up the ladder and sat on the roof inspecting the men work, only coming down when the work met his approval,
Still we are half way to achieving peace, and that is a blessing. Now where did I hid those ear plugs.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
What would you write
Any adult will know this problem, you are going for a new job and you have to find personal as well as professional references. My husband is currently hunting the relevant people down as we speak. Some times its easy as you have a good track record and people are keen to praise you. Other times not so easy like in the case of one of my jobs the company ceased trading so there was no where to request a reference from. However during hubbies rounds to collect said reference he was asked a very blunt and poignant question.
"If the roles were reversed what would you write ?"
That is such a hard question to answer if you think about it. What would you write? Really if you were being honest? We all know what we want to write and how we would like to be portrayed, but would it be truthful. What if we had to be 100% truthful what would be really like. At the end of the day are we really punctual? we really give our all to a task? are we always truthful and loyal? Suddenly it all seems more serious a question. In reality we are asking a friend to risk their personal and professional reputation on what they put in a reference, and their friendship if they won't do it.
Gone are the days when you could walk into a job, maybe do a trial shift and get a job, like I used to get my bar jobs. Even for a simple waiting job you need references, and for administration you are often asked for a either a credit check or a crb check. The world has become a harder less personally place. You the human being no longer counts for much, instead its you the statistic that counts. Do you tick all the required boxes. Are you prone to sudden sickness etc, if so your chances are reduced greatly as I have found. If you have only a limited work history in this country that counts against you as my husband has found. He served in the US NAVY and then 8 years behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler with hazardous material. Both highly responsible jobs, but neither converted over here, instead he is reduced to manual labour as in the UK his admin skills aren't recognised.
I understand how hard it is to write a reference, as I have in fact written many for things like Princes trust awards and so on. Getting the balance between the truth and giving a person a chance is such a fine line. So next time you write something about someone else please think if the roles were reversed what would you write?
"If the roles were reversed what would you write ?"
That is such a hard question to answer if you think about it. What would you write? Really if you were being honest? We all know what we want to write and how we would like to be portrayed, but would it be truthful. What if we had to be 100% truthful what would be really like. At the end of the day are we really punctual? we really give our all to a task? are we always truthful and loyal? Suddenly it all seems more serious a question. In reality we are asking a friend to risk their personal and professional reputation on what they put in a reference, and their friendship if they won't do it.
Gone are the days when you could walk into a job, maybe do a trial shift and get a job, like I used to get my bar jobs. Even for a simple waiting job you need references, and for administration you are often asked for a either a credit check or a crb check. The world has become a harder less personally place. You the human being no longer counts for much, instead its you the statistic that counts. Do you tick all the required boxes. Are you prone to sudden sickness etc, if so your chances are reduced greatly as I have found. If you have only a limited work history in this country that counts against you as my husband has found. He served in the US NAVY and then 8 years behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler with hazardous material. Both highly responsible jobs, but neither converted over here, instead he is reduced to manual labour as in the UK his admin skills aren't recognised.
I understand how hard it is to write a reference, as I have in fact written many for things like Princes trust awards and so on. Getting the balance between the truth and giving a person a chance is such a fine line. So next time you write something about someone else please think if the roles were reversed what would you write?
The real price behind a duvet day
Its been a duvet day of the worse kind. Stuck in bed in agony from yesterdays fall. Even the doctor said there is little to be done than let the swollen muscles calm down then the real damage can be assessed. So in the mean time I am bored beyond measure and sore as hell.
Duvet days aren't normally as frustrating as today has been, mainly because I could have avoid this one. I could have avoid it, by not pushing myself to do more than I can physically. I have had a few days where I felt slightly more able to do bits, and subsequently did a little more than I should have. mainly because I don't want a long recovery. I don't care what the specialist has said that there are no short cuts. I am not know to follow rule books so I pushed it. OK this time it back fired and I am paying the price.
The price is worth paying though because due to past experience I know 60% of the time I can cheat the odds and beat them. I am not saying I will be ever fully off the crutches or 100% healed. But when I had all my ear surgery the risks were high. I had a 50/50 chance of face paralysis 80% risk of total loss of hearing in my left ear, and an unmentionable risk of not recovering at all. What happened was yes there was a tiny bit of face paralysis but that was corrected another operation down the line. I only lost 60% hearing and last time I check I am still alive. May be I am spoilt in my success in the past but that's my attitude to it.
My scan is in 13 days and the results are 29 days away, the fear of the results is unbelievable, but why am I waiting for the results when I can try and get stuff sorted on my own. I am not claiming to be a medical specialist or anything like that. But I do know my own body and what feels right or not. Taking that extra step with out sticks or walking that little bit further in any day may sound crazy, but if I don't try I won't know if I can do it or not.
Duvet days are annoying but if it comes from trying that little harder, maybe they are the price worth paying.
Duvet days aren't normally as frustrating as today has been, mainly because I could have avoid this one. I could have avoid it, by not pushing myself to do more than I can physically. I have had a few days where I felt slightly more able to do bits, and subsequently did a little more than I should have. mainly because I don't want a long recovery. I don't care what the specialist has said that there are no short cuts. I am not know to follow rule books so I pushed it. OK this time it back fired and I am paying the price.
The price is worth paying though because due to past experience I know 60% of the time I can cheat the odds and beat them. I am not saying I will be ever fully off the crutches or 100% healed. But when I had all my ear surgery the risks were high. I had a 50/50 chance of face paralysis 80% risk of total loss of hearing in my left ear, and an unmentionable risk of not recovering at all. What happened was yes there was a tiny bit of face paralysis but that was corrected another operation down the line. I only lost 60% hearing and last time I check I am still alive. May be I am spoilt in my success in the past but that's my attitude to it.
My scan is in 13 days and the results are 29 days away, the fear of the results is unbelievable, but why am I waiting for the results when I can try and get stuff sorted on my own. I am not claiming to be a medical specialist or anything like that. But I do know my own body and what feels right or not. Taking that extra step with out sticks or walking that little bit further in any day may sound crazy, but if I don't try I won't know if I can do it or not.
Duvet days are annoying but if it comes from trying that little harder, maybe they are the price worth paying.
Monday, 1 October 2012
The silence menance
I knew I was going to be sore today after yesterdays great events. What I didn't realise was just how sore and painful it was going to be. I know pain is hard to explain, as it all done by personal measure.
So I will try to explain it. Imagine this you try to sit down but the pressure in my hips is so great you think pokers are being pushed through them. Bending my knees is a random event depending on whether the pain is equal to light bruising or a donkey kick to them, but I can't tell which until I try. My neck feels like whiplash after a car accident, and my back is raw like a cheese grater has been rubbed up and down the lumbar region. On top of that there is this dull constant drone of sore vertebrae and the odd shooting pain that causes random yelps of shock.
I know it all sounds a little over dramatic, but this is the reality I live in thanks to a mixture of CRPS and Chronic back condition, and the affects of a fall from it. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, I am just trying to relay the reality people who have these conditions have to live with. There are various illnesses and conditions that are what I call the silent menaces, and I could list a few others that friends have varying from IBS and its extreme cousins to hearing difficulties. They are silent because they aren't obvious on the outside, but inside they are tearing the person apart. The level of discomfort varies from a good day with minimal pain to the hellish days where there is nothing but pain and that's all you are aware of.
Yes I can take medication, there is always something new that can be tried. Or that's the principle, having just phoned my doctor he recommend a day of anti inflammatory on top of everything else. But mainly rest and either heat or ice packs depending on what my skin can stand. And as any one with a chronic condition will tell you there are the days when nothing will touch the pain and remove it. In some cases this involves a night in hospital to see if there is anything further that can be done, but in reality all they really can do is administer even stronger drugs to induce sleep and force the body to heal itself. Hence I refuse to take the maximum amount of any drug so I can always alter it in relation to the pain.
Illness and its accompanying pain is a silence menace that to the subject is constantly living with. I just wish other people could see the day to day pain we have to live with. It would be interesting to see the reaction if they were plagued with it.
So I will try to explain it. Imagine this you try to sit down but the pressure in my hips is so great you think pokers are being pushed through them. Bending my knees is a random event depending on whether the pain is equal to light bruising or a donkey kick to them, but I can't tell which until I try. My neck feels like whiplash after a car accident, and my back is raw like a cheese grater has been rubbed up and down the lumbar region. On top of that there is this dull constant drone of sore vertebrae and the odd shooting pain that causes random yelps of shock.
I know it all sounds a little over dramatic, but this is the reality I live in thanks to a mixture of CRPS and Chronic back condition, and the affects of a fall from it. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, I am just trying to relay the reality people who have these conditions have to live with. There are various illnesses and conditions that are what I call the silent menaces, and I could list a few others that friends have varying from IBS and its extreme cousins to hearing difficulties. They are silent because they aren't obvious on the outside, but inside they are tearing the person apart. The level of discomfort varies from a good day with minimal pain to the hellish days where there is nothing but pain and that's all you are aware of.
Yes I can take medication, there is always something new that can be tried. Or that's the principle, having just phoned my doctor he recommend a day of anti inflammatory on top of everything else. But mainly rest and either heat or ice packs depending on what my skin can stand. And as any one with a chronic condition will tell you there are the days when nothing will touch the pain and remove it. In some cases this involves a night in hospital to see if there is anything further that can be done, but in reality all they really can do is administer even stronger drugs to induce sleep and force the body to heal itself. Hence I refuse to take the maximum amount of any drug so I can always alter it in relation to the pain.
Illness and its accompanying pain is a silence menace that to the subject is constantly living with. I just wish other people could see the day to day pain we have to live with. It would be interesting to see the reaction if they were plagued with it.
Insomniacs annoymous
Thank you to the friend who just summed it up in a phrase. Some of us just suffer from lack of sleep for no reason, others thanks to illness and the such like. Either way it is a lonely place to be, although in the last couple of years social media and all night tv have eased the burden that little bit.
But how much lonely was it say 10 years ago, before free view in every home, and twitter and facebook on every phone. What did this band of night owls do prior to these distractions. I for one used to run vhs tapes on loop and write through the night, the latter still remains, but what was there prior to that. Insomnia is a lonely world especially if like me you live in an house where everything goes quiet after 11pm. In some ways its helpful, for me on a good day I can get around a bit more without navigating human and animal obstacles. Although there is always a risk I spasm and collapse anyway. But today after the fall thats not an option I am banished to my 12 by 12 prison alone with just snoring animals and some open university program on the tv for company.
The thing is although I am not the earliest of risers I am still lucky to clock up 6 hours sleep and at the moment those are hardly restful with the dreams I am having. I should be returning soon to some normal sleep pattern and I can wait, the joys of reverse SAD has its advatages. If you know what SAD is this is stll going to sound weird, but my sleep pattern is at its best during the winter months unlike normal SAD sufferers. I become over stimulated by the long days soas soon as the clocks go back I should start getting nearer 8 hours of sleep. Well that was the rule until CRPS took total hold, now we will have to see whether or not pain will over ride nature or whether it will crash through the one routine in sleep I have.
All these thoughts spinning round my head makes me start thinking about those who don't blog, or even have access to the internet. What they do to vent in the twilight hours, when even the sounds from the roads is that of silence. I know it sounds odd but not every one is plugged into the world wide web or even possesses a mobile, there are such people in this world. What do they do ? phone some one up, or write a letter. That feeling of total isolant is still possiable and it frightens the living daylights out of me. At least I can tweet and most times there is some there to talk to, I am lucky enough to have TV in my room and at worse if the night gets too lonely I can crawl up stairs and wake some poor person up. What do those who live alone do.
I will happily admit I am an insomniac but at least I am not alone or annoymouse.
But how much lonely was it say 10 years ago, before free view in every home, and twitter and facebook on every phone. What did this band of night owls do prior to these distractions. I for one used to run vhs tapes on loop and write through the night, the latter still remains, but what was there prior to that. Insomnia is a lonely world especially if like me you live in an house where everything goes quiet after 11pm. In some ways its helpful, for me on a good day I can get around a bit more without navigating human and animal obstacles. Although there is always a risk I spasm and collapse anyway. But today after the fall thats not an option I am banished to my 12 by 12 prison alone with just snoring animals and some open university program on the tv for company.
The thing is although I am not the earliest of risers I am still lucky to clock up 6 hours sleep and at the moment those are hardly restful with the dreams I am having. I should be returning soon to some normal sleep pattern and I can wait, the joys of reverse SAD has its advatages. If you know what SAD is this is stll going to sound weird, but my sleep pattern is at its best during the winter months unlike normal SAD sufferers. I become over stimulated by the long days soas soon as the clocks go back I should start getting nearer 8 hours of sleep. Well that was the rule until CRPS took total hold, now we will have to see whether or not pain will over ride nature or whether it will crash through the one routine in sleep I have.
All these thoughts spinning round my head makes me start thinking about those who don't blog, or even have access to the internet. What they do to vent in the twilight hours, when even the sounds from the roads is that of silence. I know it sounds odd but not every one is plugged into the world wide web or even possesses a mobile, there are such people in this world. What do they do ? phone some one up, or write a letter. That feeling of total isolant is still possiable and it frightens the living daylights out of me. At least I can tweet and most times there is some there to talk to, I am lucky enough to have TV in my room and at worse if the night gets too lonely I can crawl up stairs and wake some poor person up. What do those who live alone do.
I will happily admit I am an insomniac but at least I am not alone or annoymouse.
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