Is it just me or is there something going on? Every time I dare to brave the news (which is fairly frequently) I seem to be greeted with the news that yet another icon has died. So far this year I feel as if I have lost a good 30% of my own personal icons. Rickman, Bowie, Corbett, Wood and now Prince, it feels like everyone is checking out of planet earth.
But to be truthful, it isn't just celebrities that seem to be dropping like flies, it's in my day to day life as well, in January alone I ended up at 4 different funerals, some not unexpected, but some were too young, and heard of a further 3 connected with friends. It has me unnerved to say the least. I dread hearing news I know I can't deal with, but with this pattern I am half expecting it.
Which raises the question, what has gone wrong this year? Is it the backlash of weird weather culling the weak? Some astrological pattern as some papers have dared to report? Or even the rapture (check revelations). Or is it simply we are more in contact with the world and thus obtain the news with in an obscene amount of time from expiration. And yes I do mean it like that. Much as I like to be in tune with the world, some of the speed of reporting deaths of a celebrity feel to me like complete intrusion. We are almost notified the moment the poor person passes their last breath.
In some cases this is so sudden and unexpected that those around them don't even have the time needed to collect their own thoughts before half the world's media is camped outside their respective residents and demanding a sound bite. Hardly the most respectful way to conduct the report, or even notify what in many cases seems to be news of emotional influence.
While what seems to be happening this year is a major blow to the arts world, the way the media is choosing to document it feels like it is cheapening the whole situation. Whether you knew a person or not, their influence on a person can not be measured on mass. A song, program, play even film can hold quantifying memories to an in divulge, and to just throw out the news dead, without substance or quality reporting is to disregard any emotional investment. Now I am not saying we the paying public have rights on the private lives on anyone in the media eye, in fact far from it, but we have the responsibility and right to pay homage to the loss of talent without it becoming a media sandstorm of who has the best tag line. At the moment I raise my hat to the family of Prince, who have embraced the mourning fans and allowed them to share the grief of loss, whilst still managing a private cremation. Yet others haven't been so lucky and instead are overwhelmed by the news and media circus that seems to accompany it.
Like I said I follow the news as avidly as the next person, but having been touched by grief myself this year, I can't help but feel sick at the treatment the press are giving, to get the headline. 2016 seems to be a bad year for loss, and for that we can do little other than pay our respects regardless of who it is. Let's not also make it a year of greed, remember one persons headline, is another's grief and despair
Tuesday, 26 April 2016
Wednesday, 20 April 2016
Get interested
Since January I have been pushing myself to read even more than usual. Which apart from leading to an epidemic of books all over the place, has thrust a few people into my awareness. People that until last year I may have only had heard of in passing and they in turn have created a domino effect on my literature boundaries.
Let me be clear I have always followed the arts and written since I was aware of such things (which according to my family was aged 3). But some how I had managed to miss the surname Franco till this year. I don't know how either, but I have a feeling this is going to divide my audience in half as especially James Franco seems to have a marmite affect on people, they either want to bed him or gag him if you follow social media. But having read what seems to be a mini library of writing, there isn't just one artist in the family, they all are in various mediums, whether it's author, artist, actor or director, and in some cases all the above.
So having started with one book, it lead me to a collection of writing, then other authors in the family and now completely unheard of authors that were inspiration to the first works.. That said this trail has also lead me to u tube and no not a load or illegally ripped movies, but instead book talks, university lectures, q & a sessions and similar. All of which reminded me I have an unfinished degree (blame my health), and my own paper forest of unread work that is cluttering files and doing the sum total of nothing except collecting dust and tripping me up.
Now I don't claim to have the talent of the multi degree holding man, or for that matter the outlet to publish it, but I do have the right and possibly the responsibility to give it the chance to see light of day. I also now am able to look back on said work and realise just how my own style has changed the more I have read and the more I have been exposed to . Leaving me with the question is not art in any form the right any one of us has to document our journey and share with others? It may result in nothing, but then again it's not my call to make, but the audiences.
In four months I have had my mind blown by poetry not unlike from my own thoughts, seen art work I would happily hang on my wall and live with daily, I have also had my faith in the human race disintegrate as I see the abuse and constant analysis of one persons sexuality rather than discussion of their work. My views on sexuality are well documented, and I'll say it again, that side of their life has nothing to do with general public, as it doesn't define a person. All these points has left me in a quandary, whether or not to bite the bullet and send my own work out into a world, that in the one hand loves success, and yet in the other wants your very soul for the honour. I would love to share, to get my work seen and shared, even help someone via it. But I don't want the grief of my life blasted on social media for every troll to think they know better. That however is my decision to make, and I believe it is one that will be made in the next month or so.
What I have taken away from this little discovery is the very fact that we should never stop learning and growing. That what we are now is not all we are. If that was the case we would all leave school at our respective ages and just go through the routine of living till we died, no progression or development. It is the people who constantly push for more that history favours, those who ask the unanswered questions or take the uncomfortable path.Just because you are an actor doesn't stop you becoming an educator, a writer or a painter, or because I am stuck grounded by my own demons, doesn't stop me reaching further afield, wanting and fighting for more out of my life. I may not be a position financially to finish my degree, but I can keep reading and learning extending my own boundaries till I find a place that is right for me.
If you were to ask me now what the best thing I learnt in the last four months is, I would be hard pressed to narrow it down to just one thing, but if you ask me to share anything from what I've learnt it's the quote below. Love me or hate me for it I can honestly say I am very pro James Franco, in all his work, purely because he is an artist in all senses of the rules. A person who is prepared to take the rule book and shred it, which in reality is the real definition of an artist. Some one who makes you question your own viewpoint on life and society whether it be sexuality, equality, addiction whatever. If he makes you uncomfortable, maybe it isn't he the artist who is at fault, but you the audience who is too stuck in your ways.
What I do next, well that's to be determined, my discovery of self, but may I suggest a little trip outside your comfort zone could be very enlightening.
"You want to get interesting... get interested" James Franco
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
Snap! alice revisited
Not probably what you are thinking, but I am now writing this from under my duvet awaiting husband to wake up and drive me to hospital. Not quite what a person needs at 3.30am, but welcome to my life. A simple walk down the stairs, no falling or slipping and my knee now looks like it was at the superbowl attached some strong receiver.Anyway in this pain addled state I have two choices, cry like a defeated baby ( which is what I really want to do) or write which is quieter and hopefully more productive. I've chosen the later and hopefully I get taken to hospital before this blog becomes something worthy of an Alice in wonderland dream.
Actually it probably will be just that as that's where my mind was going before I literally snapped to a pain driven state of intoxication with no alcohol. The symbolism of Alice and it's social relevance was what I was pondering. Mix in the fact we are now bereft of the calming tones of Alan Rickman as Absalom and you can probably tell where I going to start.
It is my love for the fore mentioned book and my appreciation for the Tim Burton interpretation that made me ask just how much of the book is now relevant again to society. Once you kick the obviously over the top, whimsy of the childish side if the book. The characters are actually very deep , if in fact very scathing, descriptions of social behaviour. Sure we all know the story of the mad hatter and what he represents, but it's some of the other characters I like to dig a litter deeper into.
Let's look at the White rabbit, a character that's easily identified on a physical level. However it's the personality I love. The constant state of panic and uncertainty that leads to the infamous line "I'm late". If you look at the social standing of the rabbit, he is neither gentry nor pauper, but there to symbolise what was a new social class of educated workers. His panic was derived from his own need to appease everyone as he knew not what he was. That was then, now a days he could easily be every administration worker the world over. In constant fear of targets and such like.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee are probably my least favourite characters of the series. Mainly because they represent the insipid side of social interaction. They are the sheep who only have any opinion if there is more than person to say it. They lack back bone but happily indulge in the profits of success. A characteristic we probably all witnessed in today's workplace.
Then there is the walrus and the carpenter oh these were such clever characters so easily overlooked. When perhaps they are the most developed and repulsive characters in the books. They happily lead the oysters to their death, for the benefit of no one but the walrus and the carpenter themselves I always suspected they were based on the mill owners of the time, but now I wonder if it was more to symbolise the government and their ways to entrap the masses to sacrifice themselves for the good of the nation. Either way these characters are actually very disturbing for any child's novel.
Then we end up at the wise (if dubiously stoned) caterpillar, or Absalom as the Burton film named him. Is he just the voice of reason concentrated into one character, or is he more? I suspect he is actually the journey of life itself hence the use of a pipe of sorts. The fact he is a caterpillar is the interesting bit, a creature of 4 very different stages of life, egg, caterpillar, larvae, butterfly. The egg is childhood , caterpillar, adulthood, larvae old age and the butterfly death? In which case he is the most symbolic character of all and the reason Alice listens to him.
Just in these few questions and thoughts I think you can see where I am getting my thought process from and why I feel this book us just a applicable now to adult and child alike as it was when it was written. If you agree with this or just want me to take this deeper with a deeper look at other character please comment, as I would love to go further especially with Cheshire cat.
But for now I'll leave you thinking on what I have, whilst I head off to my own little rabbit hole and pray I don't need to eat or drink anything from the room at the bottom of that rabbit hole
Actually it probably will be just that as that's where my mind was going before I literally snapped to a pain driven state of intoxication with no alcohol. The symbolism of Alice and it's social relevance was what I was pondering. Mix in the fact we are now bereft of the calming tones of Alan Rickman as Absalom and you can probably tell where I going to start.
It is my love for the fore mentioned book and my appreciation for the Tim Burton interpretation that made me ask just how much of the book is now relevant again to society. Once you kick the obviously over the top, whimsy of the childish side if the book. The characters are actually very deep , if in fact very scathing, descriptions of social behaviour. Sure we all know the story of the mad hatter and what he represents, but it's some of the other characters I like to dig a litter deeper into.
Let's look at the White rabbit, a character that's easily identified on a physical level. However it's the personality I love. The constant state of panic and uncertainty that leads to the infamous line "I'm late". If you look at the social standing of the rabbit, he is neither gentry nor pauper, but there to symbolise what was a new social class of educated workers. His panic was derived from his own need to appease everyone as he knew not what he was. That was then, now a days he could easily be every administration worker the world over. In constant fear of targets and such like.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee are probably my least favourite characters of the series. Mainly because they represent the insipid side of social interaction. They are the sheep who only have any opinion if there is more than person to say it. They lack back bone but happily indulge in the profits of success. A characteristic we probably all witnessed in today's workplace.
Then there is the walrus and the carpenter oh these were such clever characters so easily overlooked. When perhaps they are the most developed and repulsive characters in the books. They happily lead the oysters to their death, for the benefit of no one but the walrus and the carpenter themselves I always suspected they were based on the mill owners of the time, but now I wonder if it was more to symbolise the government and their ways to entrap the masses to sacrifice themselves for the good of the nation. Either way these characters are actually very disturbing for any child's novel.
Then we end up at the wise (if dubiously stoned) caterpillar, or Absalom as the Burton film named him. Is he just the voice of reason concentrated into one character, or is he more? I suspect he is actually the journey of life itself hence the use of a pipe of sorts. The fact he is a caterpillar is the interesting bit, a creature of 4 very different stages of life, egg, caterpillar, larvae, butterfly. The egg is childhood , caterpillar, adulthood, larvae old age and the butterfly death? In which case he is the most symbolic character of all and the reason Alice listens to him.
Just in these few questions and thoughts I think you can see where I am getting my thought process from and why I feel this book us just a applicable now to adult and child alike as it was when it was written. If you agree with this or just want me to take this deeper with a deeper look at other character please comment, as I would love to go further especially with Cheshire cat.
But for now I'll leave you thinking on what I have, whilst I head off to my own little rabbit hole and pray I don't need to eat or drink anything from the room at the bottom of that rabbit hole
Monday, 8 February 2016
Boys and their toys
This is one of those random blogs that has been churning in the back of my mind for a while. So I finally decided to just put it out there. I am only writing this from the female view, as guess what I am, but it is applicable to either sex. Nor am I making any assumptions regarding gender and hobby type.
I say that because the original idea of this post came from a comment made by Jay Leno on the now defunct version or of Top Gear, that he had only one wife and 150 + cars. He went on to say this was because he went home smelling of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume. It got me thinking, whether it be cars, train sets, gardening or even ballroom dancing, in the past men and women have always had their own identity apart from the relationship or marriage they were in. Whether they participated alone or together was a personal choice, but these activities were a strong part of the persons identity.
I give for example my grandparents, my grandad was not just a keen and skilled musician, and carpenter, he also ballroom danced to competitive level with my grandmother and ice dance with his sister to similar level. On top of working very hard pre, during and post war. He was home when needed and active in the raising of his children. My grandmother also worked in her own right, yet she wrote poetry, was skilled in needlework, musical and incredibly well read. They had hobbies on top of all their day to day life and a marriage that last well beyond my grandmothers death, as my grand dad never remarried despite having offers. This idea of multiple hobbies was common those days, and for some reason two generations later I am living proof it continues. But for a lot of people those days are gone.
If they finish work they either hit the bar, head to the gym or slump in front of the TV, and end their day that way. Claiming they have no time or energy to do more. But is that the truth, or just the change in social expectations. More frightening is it this mundane existence that is leading to the social decline of the family was we know it, and even the health issues our dear government keeps highlighting. Gone are the days when a family would happily go to a child's recital just to enjoy it, now it's all what standard are they at, how they have improved and will it get them the kudos required for their level of education. A partner will justify their need to attend after work drinks, to keep in the playing of promotion etc. When all they are really doing is damaging their health and possibly heading dangerously into the mine field of work related affairs.
The idea of doing something regularly for fun or interest seems ,to be a forgotten art that society no longer has time for. Now I am not saying we need to return to Victorian times where women chatter and swoon and men retire for cigars and brandy, but there are values we do need to re asses. The dependence of technology to entertain us is really quite scary both mentally and physically. Office status can be reliant on know what happened on the latest reality show last night, rather than something that happened in the real world. This was a pattern I noticed when I was stuck in the office rat race. Often being ostracised from work interaction because I had no clue what TOWIE was, or the fact I had no intention of getting drunk after work as I would rather spend the time indulging in my own choice of past times.
Now I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact from it as my husband and I are on two different ends of this spectrum. For him a power cut causes tantrums as he can't watch his precious sport, when in reality it would do his health a great deal of benefit if he stopped 2 aching and started playing some. We are also suffering the constant suspicions of what the other is up to as there is no mutual ground of hobby enjoyment. Which is probably this post has been at the back of my mind for a long time. My husband has no understanding or interest of n watching a play, going to gallery or even watching motor sports in a muddy wet field. To be honest 6 have had a battle to get him to go to a museum with me later in the week and he was only moved by the temptation of a meal out.
This lack of wanting to see more do more for the fun of it baffles me, as it is great to bring something fresh to talk about within the family. Which then raises the question do families really talk any more? So the circle continues and we become less and less human and more and more robotic. If we become this devoid of emotional outlets we can find in hobbies and activities, adultery and family breakdown are going to be more and more common till we reach a point of social implosion.
Where as I am at a crossroads in my own life, I do know I would rather I had a partner who came home smelling of oil, or turps, covered in mud from gardening or callouses on their fingers from practising an instrument, than one who smells of the latest wine bar or worse some one else's cheap perfume. Maybe it's I time we slow down this great social revolution, and remember to reclaim what makes each one of us... us.
I say that because the original idea of this post came from a comment made by Jay Leno on the now defunct version or of Top Gear, that he had only one wife and 150 + cars. He went on to say this was because he went home smelling of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume. It got me thinking, whether it be cars, train sets, gardening or even ballroom dancing, in the past men and women have always had their own identity apart from the relationship or marriage they were in. Whether they participated alone or together was a personal choice, but these activities were a strong part of the persons identity.
I give for example my grandparents, my grandad was not just a keen and skilled musician, and carpenter, he also ballroom danced to competitive level with my grandmother and ice dance with his sister to similar level. On top of working very hard pre, during and post war. He was home when needed and active in the raising of his children. My grandmother also worked in her own right, yet she wrote poetry, was skilled in needlework, musical and incredibly well read. They had hobbies on top of all their day to day life and a marriage that last well beyond my grandmothers death, as my grand dad never remarried despite having offers. This idea of multiple hobbies was common those days, and for some reason two generations later I am living proof it continues. But for a lot of people those days are gone.
If they finish work they either hit the bar, head to the gym or slump in front of the TV, and end their day that way. Claiming they have no time or energy to do more. But is that the truth, or just the change in social expectations. More frightening is it this mundane existence that is leading to the social decline of the family was we know it, and even the health issues our dear government keeps highlighting. Gone are the days when a family would happily go to a child's recital just to enjoy it, now it's all what standard are they at, how they have improved and will it get them the kudos required for their level of education. A partner will justify their need to attend after work drinks, to keep in the playing of promotion etc. When all they are really doing is damaging their health and possibly heading dangerously into the mine field of work related affairs.
The idea of doing something regularly for fun or interest seems ,to be a forgotten art that society no longer has time for. Now I am not saying we need to return to Victorian times where women chatter and swoon and men retire for cigars and brandy, but there are values we do need to re asses. The dependence of technology to entertain us is really quite scary both mentally and physically. Office status can be reliant on know what happened on the latest reality show last night, rather than something that happened in the real world. This was a pattern I noticed when I was stuck in the office rat race. Often being ostracised from work interaction because I had no clue what TOWIE was, or the fact I had no intention of getting drunk after work as I would rather spend the time indulging in my own choice of past times.
Now I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact from it as my husband and I are on two different ends of this spectrum. For him a power cut causes tantrums as he can't watch his precious sport, when in reality it would do his health a great deal of benefit if he stopped 2 aching and started playing some. We are also suffering the constant suspicions of what the other is up to as there is no mutual ground of hobby enjoyment. Which is probably this post has been at the back of my mind for a long time. My husband has no understanding or interest of n watching a play, going to gallery or even watching motor sports in a muddy wet field. To be honest 6 have had a battle to get him to go to a museum with me later in the week and he was only moved by the temptation of a meal out.
This lack of wanting to see more do more for the fun of it baffles me, as it is great to bring something fresh to talk about within the family. Which then raises the question do families really talk any more? So the circle continues and we become less and less human and more and more robotic. If we become this devoid of emotional outlets we can find in hobbies and activities, adultery and family breakdown are going to be more and more common till we reach a point of social implosion.
Where as I am at a crossroads in my own life, I do know I would rather I had a partner who came home smelling of oil, or turps, covered in mud from gardening or callouses on their fingers from practising an instrument, than one who smells of the latest wine bar or worse some one else's cheap perfume. Maybe it's I time we slow down this great social revolution, and remember to reclaim what makes each one of us... us.
My own private influence
Influences come from a lot of places and people, the usual like teacher's and people around us, from literature and film, from a piece of music or a leaf in the wind. Everyone has them and how we choose to use them is very much a personalised occurrence. But from my last few post particularly, but always dormant, I realise there are few influences I will never shake and by burying them I am lying to myself.
Now we are all very capable of lying to ourselves, and the majority of do just to survive this struggle called life. But by lying we are hurting only yourself. Influences are guiding or warning forces in our life. They are meant to remind us what choices we have and the alternative paths we could follow. Yet so often we close our ears to the quiet whispers and follow the yelling voice like a sheep.
You may wonder where I am going with this and how it applies to the title, it's simple. I am more and more aware the harder I shut out a whispering voice of my youth, the more it is actually relevant in my life, private, public and creativity. The loud voices I have always followed are becoming less and less relevant. Not just in the blatantly obvious way, but in the subverting and deviant way. The joke is this influence was one that scared me and freaked me. I was uncomfortable not just with the fact that this was even an influence, that it had any revealed to me apart from people involved, but now 20 (cough) years later, I am learning to listen to the whisper of its real influences.
The needle that pricked me to this realisation is the fact I have found others have also found similarly strong influences from the same thing and they have acted on it, which has subsequently creating a greater good for other. I know I am being ambiguous about it all, and I am doing so very consciously. If you ask why I will never tell ad it could add a superficial level for some people and trust me at the moment I am very much not working on nor have time for the superficial. Call me self absorbed if you want, I don't care, but it's the message not the story I want your attention on.
At the end of the day it's the whisper not the yell that will influence you the longest.
Now we are all very capable of lying to ourselves, and the majority of do just to survive this struggle called life. But by lying we are hurting only yourself. Influences are guiding or warning forces in our life. They are meant to remind us what choices we have and the alternative paths we could follow. Yet so often we close our ears to the quiet whispers and follow the yelling voice like a sheep.
You may wonder where I am going with this and how it applies to the title, it's simple. I am more and more aware the harder I shut out a whispering voice of my youth, the more it is actually relevant in my life, private, public and creativity. The loud voices I have always followed are becoming less and less relevant. Not just in the blatantly obvious way, but in the subverting and deviant way. The joke is this influence was one that scared me and freaked me. I was uncomfortable not just with the fact that this was even an influence, that it had any revealed to me apart from people involved, but now 20 (cough) years later, I am learning to listen to the whisper of its real influences.
The needle that pricked me to this realisation is the fact I have found others have also found similarly strong influences from the same thing and they have acted on it, which has subsequently creating a greater good for other. I know I am being ambiguous about it all, and I am doing so very consciously. If you ask why I will never tell ad it could add a superficial level for some people and trust me at the moment I am very much not working on nor have time for the superficial. Call me self absorbed if you want, I don't care, but it's the message not the story I want your attention on.
At the end of the day it's the whisper not the yell that will influence you the longest.
Sunday, 7 February 2016
Who the hell am I? and how do I write
I have not become totally narcissistic, in fact the total opposite. I hate my picture taken. But actually trying to write anything constructive involves surprisingly a lot of reading. Fortunately that is something I do enjoy immensely, and by doing so I have stumbled across an artist who for what of a better word intrigues me. I am not going to name drop who the person is or give any other clues, but say it is one statement they made that caused this post. A comment about not trusting anyone who doesn't show their face on social media when posting.
Now me being me, has to take this one step further. It's just who I am, get over it, I thought I would give you a brief insight into how I look and what really happens when I try to put my voice forward. Below are a few scattered images of me mid thought or writing, the physical process and a token shot of some of the obstacles I have when writing. Trust me they're obstacles at 2am when I am trying to put the world rights and they want to steal my corn chips.
I am English despite some of my sayings, taste and opinions, I blame having an American husband for that. Yet I run on international time especially when posting, mainly because I let ideas fester before I put the final result down. Especially if it is news based, I try to get multiple countries opinions before I say anything. This is taken to the extreme by the fact I sleep with a news channel on the TV. Not a particularly healthy habit I know, but it works for me.
How I would advise anyone who embarks on any creative activity is fairly simple. Always have a pen and paper with you. You never know when a thought, picture or phrase will inspire you. I never thought I was organised but I never leave home without these bits, then I can always expand on things that affect me when I get home. I do the same at home nearly always jotting notes down and going back to them when I have the time to do it justice. Fortunately on this day and age most phones have camera's on, as sometimes a picture is all you need to inspire a thought and my phone is littered with random shots because of this.
I would love to say I am a highly structured human being, but much as I hate to admit it I am far from it. Which is probably why I have never finished anything longer that a full book outline. My length of concentration is of measured by the noise in the house and amount of coffee and cigarettes available. Which even by my own admission is pretty bad. But it works for me, and my old writing tutor did say you have to find what works for you. By the same breath I can't work in total silence quite often as not both the TV and my mp3 player are going at the same time as I am writing. Subconsciously it helps me focus on what I am actually writing about. It's how I I got through years of university. But that's just me , other people need total silence and can't stand how I work.
Anyway those are my top tips on working, the why should be apparent in what I write about. The resonance is a question I still seek the answer to, and drives my ambition. If I am not writing, reading, performing or something I realise I am no longer me. A trait I have in the past try to suppress and with almost tragic outcomes as I nearly lost my mind. So I won't be doing that again any time soon. Although I have to admit there are times writing a blog takes a back seat to another project I am working on as I only have one set of hands.
Anyway back to my new found inspiration. Some one out there had a drive that has made me look close and hard at myself. Am I doing enough? Could I do more? And should I push myself. You can guess what the answers to those questions and while I accept I will never have their success or audience, I found in seeing others do it I can free myself to be me. If people like it so be it, if not not harm. But for every page you get to read there is ten times of unseen material in one medium or another unseen. That raises many issues with me, should I release the other work, or even push to get my work really out there? That's a process I am trying to resolve this year. Whether to try and get some of my unseen work into the mass market.
For me the Internet is as much a curse as a blessing, anyone can write or compose in their bed room, and anyone else can find it. But is thus helping or hindering a person's ability to get true reactions to their own ability? I don't know, but I am going to try and find out. For now have a laugh at the pictures below, it may be the only time you get to put a face to the voice.
A letter to myself
I have seen so many famous people do this to their 16 year old self. It got me thinking, never a good thing, so I thought long and hard about various stages of my life and decided to do four letters, 6, 16, 26 and 36. I choose these ages very carefully as the letters will make very clear. The one thing I will say is please be warned this is not going to be easy reading at times but things I need to say to myself.
Dear me aged 6,
So you are at school number two already, and already feeling the pressure of societies labelling. The next two years are going to be the hardest. You already have suspicions of people's really intentions, and unfortunately your worse fears and more will become a reality that will mark the rest of your life physically and mentally.
That said you do get a reprieve, and a move to somewhere that has faith in you. So grit your teeth and prove the critics wrong. Remember very moment of pain now will become fuel for the rest of your life. You will become resilient and tenacious, both talents that will in fact and quite literally save your life more times than I wish to remember.
For now focus on the positives, throw yourself into the acting and church stuff away from education. They will become more useful than that painting that has been criticised and laughed at.
Oh and there is a good reason why you don't make the grade with gymnastics, don't worry if you had continued down that path you would have had more problems. Just get through the next two years, you will get a break, granted temporary, and time will dilute the flashbacks.
Your 43 year old self.
Dear 16 year old me,
You have escaped at last, no longer is education going to be a swear word to you. In fact anything else that you do study wise is going to inspire you further. All that pain is now behind you, so learn to smile again. College is going to be a blast and a great eye opener. You will learn to renew old friends and discover so much.
You are about to really experience all performance, professionally. Grab every opportunity with both hands and enjoy. The rewards will be amazing and you will carry with you for ever.
You are also going have to grow up very quickly, you will suddenly expected to become the adult for all those around you, but don't worry you cope admirably, just don't think, act on impulse, you will be fine. It will be scary and there is going to be pain at the end, but enjoy every moment of the next 10 years and hold them dear.
Oh and I am sorry to say you are going to also find out just how fragile your health really is. You are not indestructible, and it's going to get hairy at times, but it does resolve it's self for a while. Long enough to do what you are looking forward to.
Love me 43
Dear me at 26
You are in pain, and believe me you are not having your smartest moments. You are making choices that could kill you, and dam nearly do emotionally. You are seeking instant gratification in everything. I want to scream stop it at you, but I know that's pointless as you need to learnt these lessons the hard way. By doing so you will find that inner strength you will need.
On the good side you also find out how smart you are and get yourself into university, just a shame you will never complete it, but that isn't your fault. It is life and it's warped sense of humour. Just enjoy the benefits of the time there, you will learn a lot and discover just how much you could do.
Home life is going to be very hard as it shatters many times over. You will get through and come out stronger. Just don't cling to what could have been it will drive you mad. Most of all make the most of day to day life, I'm sorry to say the next ten year's of near normality are all that's left. So grab every day of it, if you really want to dance all night do it, horse ride, go for it, oh and that ear issue will resolve.
Love me 43
Dear me 36,
Well you got married, that was a surprise. But it's not going to any fairytale, trust me. Don't think it's going to help anything because it won't. I would love to say it will work out, but I can't answer what I don't know.
You are in for a hard time, harder than anything you can imagine, and this time you are not going to bounce back, sorry but best forwarded. You are in for the fight for your life, but you do survive, at a cost. Enjoy the small pleasures like walking the dogs, dance training the kids and so on, because these days are very numbered.
I would say be kind to yourself work wise, but it's useless as you have this drive that will nearly kill you just to survive. Just remember there are times you just need to walk away with your head held high and screw the rest. There are some people out there that are just bitter and jealous.
Your career is nearly over as you know it, we are still working on that, but your life is going to follow a very different path. You will make new friends in strange places, and they accept the good with the bad, even when walking becomes hard. You develop a new coping pattern, it will work. Just stay strong, you will need it.
You have said goodbye to some very close relations, just remember they were even younger, you made it through where they could not, if nothing else you owe it to them to build on the good days.
Where are we going? Honestly I don't know, we are still working on the, just always have your camera, phone and pen and paper with you. Oh and please learn to pack your medication, trust me on that.
Me at 43
Dear me aged 6,
So you are at school number two already, and already feeling the pressure of societies labelling. The next two years are going to be the hardest. You already have suspicions of people's really intentions, and unfortunately your worse fears and more will become a reality that will mark the rest of your life physically and mentally.
That said you do get a reprieve, and a move to somewhere that has faith in you. So grit your teeth and prove the critics wrong. Remember very moment of pain now will become fuel for the rest of your life. You will become resilient and tenacious, both talents that will in fact and quite literally save your life more times than I wish to remember.
For now focus on the positives, throw yourself into the acting and church stuff away from education. They will become more useful than that painting that has been criticised and laughed at.
Oh and there is a good reason why you don't make the grade with gymnastics, don't worry if you had continued down that path you would have had more problems. Just get through the next two years, you will get a break, granted temporary, and time will dilute the flashbacks.
Your 43 year old self.
Dear 16 year old me,
You have escaped at last, no longer is education going to be a swear word to you. In fact anything else that you do study wise is going to inspire you further. All that pain is now behind you, so learn to smile again. College is going to be a blast and a great eye opener. You will learn to renew old friends and discover so much.
You are about to really experience all performance, professionally. Grab every opportunity with both hands and enjoy. The rewards will be amazing and you will carry with you for ever.
You are also going have to grow up very quickly, you will suddenly expected to become the adult for all those around you, but don't worry you cope admirably, just don't think, act on impulse, you will be fine. It will be scary and there is going to be pain at the end, but enjoy every moment of the next 10 years and hold them dear.
Oh and I am sorry to say you are going to also find out just how fragile your health really is. You are not indestructible, and it's going to get hairy at times, but it does resolve it's self for a while. Long enough to do what you are looking forward to.
Love me 43
Dear me at 26
You are in pain, and believe me you are not having your smartest moments. You are making choices that could kill you, and dam nearly do emotionally. You are seeking instant gratification in everything. I want to scream stop it at you, but I know that's pointless as you need to learnt these lessons the hard way. By doing so you will find that inner strength you will need.
On the good side you also find out how smart you are and get yourself into university, just a shame you will never complete it, but that isn't your fault. It is life and it's warped sense of humour. Just enjoy the benefits of the time there, you will learn a lot and discover just how much you could do.
Home life is going to be very hard as it shatters many times over. You will get through and come out stronger. Just don't cling to what could have been it will drive you mad. Most of all make the most of day to day life, I'm sorry to say the next ten year's of near normality are all that's left. So grab every day of it, if you really want to dance all night do it, horse ride, go for it, oh and that ear issue will resolve.
Love me 43
Dear me 36,
Well you got married, that was a surprise. But it's not going to any fairytale, trust me. Don't think it's going to help anything because it won't. I would love to say it will work out, but I can't answer what I don't know.
You are in for a hard time, harder than anything you can imagine, and this time you are not going to bounce back, sorry but best forwarded. You are in for the fight for your life, but you do survive, at a cost. Enjoy the small pleasures like walking the dogs, dance training the kids and so on, because these days are very numbered.
I would say be kind to yourself work wise, but it's useless as you have this drive that will nearly kill you just to survive. Just remember there are times you just need to walk away with your head held high and screw the rest. There are some people out there that are just bitter and jealous.
Your career is nearly over as you know it, we are still working on that, but your life is going to follow a very different path. You will make new friends in strange places, and they accept the good with the bad, even when walking becomes hard. You develop a new coping pattern, it will work. Just stay strong, you will need it.
You have said goodbye to some very close relations, just remember they were even younger, you made it through where they could not, if nothing else you owe it to them to build on the good days.
Where are we going? Honestly I don't know, we are still working on the, just always have your camera, phone and pen and paper with you. Oh and please learn to pack your medication, trust me on that.
Me at 43
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