Sunday was the and always will be the absolute worst day of my life. Without going into details I lost my mother, and without true warning. Now I am to breath a little I thought I would share a few of my feelings and observations, in the hope it can help others and in a way to communicate with all my friends etc.
1) it may be a nearly a week now but I am still in shock, I am swinging from absolute rage to complete dispair in a heart beat. Nothing is making sense and even he smallest choice is overwhelming. Add to this as from last night I have started to get flashbacks of the last few moments and how my mother looked.
2) I am riddled with guilt and at this moment in time I feel like I totally failed my mother. Again I can' go into details as there are other factors , but it doesn' matter who tells me otherwise, that's how I am feeling.
3) if one more person mentions food etc I will explode. I can barely step into the kitchen without bursting into tears. Add to this the fact food all tastes like cardboard, and my stomach is rivalling niagra falls. I know you all mean well, but at this moment in time I really couldn't give a dam.
4) I haven't even had time to process. There has been too much to do, ridiculously stupid amount to do. The last thing I wantto do is talk to another call centre or official, but that has been my week, it' bad enough the last week of mums life has scared me off trusting anyone I don' know, but now I have to deal with even more .
5) silence is scary. For days I have had two phones glued to my palm, now the fact they aren't ringing is even harder to bare. I may not want to talk but the gapping hole of endless chatter or the noise from mums bedroom is daunting.
6) the cards that have been sent are truely touching, but I am struggling to read them, in time I will thank you all, but for now my nerves feel like they have been brilloed.
7) It may look like like I am coping and got it so together, but trust me I haven't there have been melt downs and tears. Unfortunatelythere will be more before I can truely say I am even coping. I seem to have a daily limit to a day once I reach it, that' it I can' do anymore but go to bed . I am not being rude, or shunning anyone I literally am brain fried.
8) I do appreciate your concern, but showing any emotional without bursting into tears or rage is very hard.
9) you quickly learn who your friends are and how people fry our past can just return as if they never left. For that I will be eternally grateful
Last and not least I have the feeling it' going to get worse before it gets better. The hard parts are going creep up when I am at home alone, when I realise my daily routine is changed forever. When I trying to return to certain places, or eat certain meals. I am going to admit I have a feeling I need my friends even more then than now.
