Broken from the inside

I vowed never to write this post mainly because of the heads ace it takes me to, but also because it is going to expose so much about me that maybe 5 people in my life know about.  But the as the last week on social media has been full of good and bad about  bullying, and the media has been full of tales of sexual attacks perhaps now is the time for me to tell my history and hopefully it will help someone.

For those that don't know i come from a single parent family, which when I grew up in 1970s England, was still frowned upon. Add to this we lived with my grandfather and that added to to the social sigma. For reasons not relevant I had one false start at school, which made what happened even worse.

The day I started at church school aged 5, it was the funeral of my great aunt, being so young I wasn't allowed to attend, in retrospective that was the first warning. For the opening line was "we good christians". How I never lost my faith over the next 11 educational years thanks to that one sentence I will never know. I'm not going to give you all the boring blow by blow account of the next two and half years, and I can' name those that did such things but I will say I was ridiculed for being a "bastard", physically tortured for entertainment in front of my fellow class mates. Abused in all senses of the words by certain staff behind closed doors, to the degree I went home daily with bruises to head arms etc. Certain teachers encouraged the emotional bullying from my classes mates as I was a "bad" child, just because of my parentage. Needless to say I snapped, at 7 years old, I fought back the only way I knew how physically throwing a chair at a teacher. Unsurprisingly this became my way out although by the time it got reported home it had become I tried to strangle a younger  pupil. Anyway when the edited truth came out my family pulled me out of education for 6 months while the powers that be covered it up, tested my sanity and found I had genius level iq, then quickly got me into a better school.

The damage was done though, I would binge eat, stealing to get money for candy, for the rest of my educational life. I lost all my carefree innocence, went through episodes of self harm that even now can creep back 40 years later.  But the bad just kept coming.

Although I got a few years of safe education every so often it would creep back, and I was never able to trust anyone fully. Then I went to high school and due to the way the UK system is set up I met up with previous pupils from the church school. It started over again, the ridicule, the rumours and the teachers not defending or helping. I went through another 5 years of this before I got out and went to college out of the area. Only then could I start to rebuild . However life isn't kind at times and as I got my mental state back to near normal my physical health which was always weaker than most started to give in a big way, like life threatening, at one point looking unlikely I would make 21.

I would love to say I got through it and all is well, but it's not quite that nice and simple. I live with now 3 chronic illnesses, and despite having managed to work hard till I was 40 I'm now disabled by them .

The worst bit of all this is one of the conditions was probably triggered by something that happened when I was 6 years old and being bullied by the teacher in front of the whole class. I found little comfort in the fact I have subsequently heard and know for fact other children were abused in that school and upon my sudden departure from the class another 10 + pupils were also removed by parents for similar reasons.

I will never get the investigation or justice I deserve as I know two people involved are now dead and possibly more. I never got the counselling or therapy any child need to recover from such events, as it wasn't available back then. By the time I did find something to help me, a lot of the memories are now so deep in my subconscious I only get them back in flashback or nightmares.

However the real I wrote this down is not for sympathy or anything like that, I'm too far damaged and too used to my own coping strategy to need that. But to reach out to anyone else who has been or is in this situation or something like it. Although it' been hard for me and sounds very bleak, there have been highs. For a brief time I got to work in an industry I dreamed to while my health allowed. I learnt how to fight for what is right no matter the cost to me, and I still have one friendship that started before this and continued through it and still goes strong. I am able to function with out most people even realising my chronic illnesses aren't the real damage done to me and that is my biggest win.

We are now in a world where this no longer needs to be hidden, and can be stopped. Where stigma is no longer is acceptable, and where if a child cries for help they will be listened to. If you can take one thing away from me writing this truth, please let it be you never let another child go through what I have , and if something doesn't feel right about a childs  behaviour ask the questions, call the relevant people. It's better to be over cautious than blind through ignorance. Remember by 5 years old I was so scared of my own  being I was a capable liar to my own family from the indoctrination from the adult bullies and abusers, so it may take more than a slight scratch on the surface to gain the truth.

A few little words

I am a very big supporter of the ideal a little help goes a long way. Mainly for the fact it's a matter I both practise and have benefited from. In fact without help over the last few years I would have starved at times, money got that bad due to my health. So I always try to give back when I can.

Over the last few weeks people have been put in worse situations than I could ever imagine and only by the grace of god do more not suffer. Yet what has really caught my attention in fundraising and all that goes with it was not the great campaigns etc, but the few words from one actor at a film festival and then the ripple effect it had.

The actors name is Sebastian Stan and it was at the TIFF film festival all the actors had to write the rest of the sentence "  I want to....." Now as expected most actors put something more personally identifiable or even self based. Instead though Sebastian wrote I want to help someone. A very simple sentence that has had such a ripple through social media that nearly $3,000 has been raised in less than a week by his fans for anti human trafficking charity he supports.

It's been amazing to watch I have to admit I have supported both that and the other charity he has put his face to, not to impress anyone but because of the fact he has left an impression on me. A celebrity/actor however you define them, to have such selflessness in a situation of self promotion is a rarity. A fleeting light in a tainted world, and yet there he was. Because of such action others will benefit.

But if you take it down to the grass roots values, if a person in the public eye can do it with such few words, what can anyone do with some well placed thoughts and actions.  Sure we can all give a few pennies here and there where we can, follow the lead or answer the call so to speak. But it's better balanced with actions that match. The need for help is always required in any society, there are always poorer, weaker, older, frailer members in any social situation. Not all of them will ask or even admit they need help, not just for pride reasons, but purely to keep hold of dignity and self respect. It is these people who could benefit the most from action rather than donation. From wheeling in bins to holding a door open, everything counts. Help doesn't have to be a big gesture, but a genuine one. For example I spend my life on crutches, yet I am fiercely independent. The greatest help I appreciate when out isn't people who try to take things from me or imply I need extra help, its the people who say good morning while holding a door open with a smile rather then sending me flying in their rush. Trust me I've experienced it all.  It's the genuine offer that gives me a choice, rather than overwhelming or dominating me. If more people were like that society would be such a nicer place.

So while we live with the very positive ripple from the actions of one person and I will leave you the links if you wish to keep it going, you can also keep the ripple of the words going just by looking at how you act in day to day life, and what more it doesn't cost you a penny, just a few little words.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/iwannahelpsomeone

https://www.generosity.com/fundraising/drive-for-a-cure

Are we going to get to 2018

I have sat and thought about writing this for a while, and finally bit the bullet. Seriously I thought last year was bad with all the notable deaths but this year is heading to make last year look like a picnic.

There are three particular world leaders  with a few of their friends that if they don't wise up get their heads out of their arse's and stop pushing their own egos, will have the entire world at nuclear war before the first day of advent. Seriously it's worse than a load of toddlers arguing, except these bleeding idiots had weaponry that we have just proved man isn't responsible enough to control.

There is nothing great or clever by firing warning shots all over Asia just to see where it lands, nor is grown up to then threaten said person via social media. Come on folks at this rate we would be better off with mickey mouse in charge and a whole lot safer. I'm sorry but I'm done with these people, including my own so called leader. Not one of them has proved their maturity in the matter, in fact even the leaders of the UN aren't faring much better.  These people need to be stopped one way or another and if you can't do it the former legal way, it's time to rewrite the law as  something is clearing wrong when the leaders of multiple countries all have questionable mental health issues.

I keep hearing cries from the masses saying things must change, but little action. What's it going to take to rid us of such tyranny. Russia I can understand, they have been so indoctrinated over the years, that the masses are weaken, even north Korea has reasons to not react. But America ? Come on, you all have the opportunity to stop this happened, what has happened is an opening for the return of neo nazi and kkk. Seriously I despair, then I look close to home at the UK and I just want to cry. We have a leader who is basically the lap dog of whoever shouts the loudest, whilst also shredding the dignity of every elderly, or disabled person in the country, by constant demànds to justify their own existence and need for aid.

Going back to America, purely as at the moment of writing this they are being hit for the second time in as many weeks with a hurricane, they are literally dying in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, because no one will man up and say we need to take drastic action in this situation. The reason being again is down to some mislead ego trip afraid to admit that he was wrong about climate change. Well I've got news to you Mr president, just because you can't face reality doesn't make it fake, and if you even bothered to get you god dam suit wet and actually go into the affected streets you would see what your voting public are facing. I mean what's it going to take for someone to get him to face reality, I bet if one of his hotels or golf courses really got flooded or shredded by this weather, then he may notice. But instead he is too busy upsetting north Korea via twitter.

Yes I am picking on America a bit, but only because I realise I have readers from all over the world and it is the one country we all get the news about. I can honestly say the UK is no better, only difference being our leadership are little more sneaky and it doesn't make the international news so easily. We are up to our little necks in trouble, collapsing healthcare,  failing education system, and now our military seems have its own group of neo nazi fans.

It's a pretty sorry state of affairs when extremist Islam groups take second place in world fear to our own leaders, but that's how much the world has changed since the start of the year. Now I am left wondering what's it going to take to actually  making it to 2018.

What makes you British

The last few months here in Briton have been the stories of nightmares. The fact it's made world news is even more concerning as it makes people fearful of coming here to visit, which compounds the problem. I won't deny we are in the midst of what feels like guerrilla warfare, and you need to keep your wits about you. But for my generation this is nothing new we grew up with the IRA trying to blow us up, and let be honest it's not just a UK problem but a western world issue. Germany France even Belgium  they have all suffered attacks.

The problem is other matters are also unsettling our great nation. Our internal politics are as desperate as another big country I can think of that's making world news . The truth is the world is changing in desperation and without regard for past lessons so easily forgotten. But there is one lesson I am proud to see us Britons don't seem to have forgotten. The same message hidden in the posters from ww2 saying dig for victory, that got the east end through devastating blitz and if you want dredge deeper into our history got us through the industrial revolution the great fire etc.  The ability to dig deep grit our teeth and get on with it. The keep calm and carry on message. In fact the actor John Cleese has written a brilliant article on our levels of annoyance with situations where his brilliant comic genius sums up the country to a t. It is worth a look and is flying round Facebook.

But there is a little fact that is being overlooked in all this. It's not what a brit does that matters at the moment it's the fact that the real definition is being whitewashed. To qualify for the the label has absolutely nothing to do with your skin tone or accent, your gender or even religion. I mean we are nation made up of many cultures before America was discovered, by 1066 we had our fill of invasions and have only allowed one since. Instead we welcome people into the country provided they play by our basic rules.

To call yourself a true brit,

 your major point of debate shouldn't be what religion you are ( the Tudors drive the country into exhaustion over that). No a proper British debate is the correct way of serving tea or how to pronounce the word scone.

A brit is never happy with the weather.. No I don't get this either we an island for goodness sake it's going to variable.

A brit will moan about anything and everything usually quietly. But when all hell truly breaks out they will soon forget these whims and do the seemly impossible. Especially if those in charge seem lacking. When it really turns turtle it's the little people who become our hero's.

And a brit with fight tooth and nail to keep our country ours. Sure we have had to adapt when our great empire wanted to be part of the nation, but wars were fought to keep us in tea so it's a fair deal, besides it gave us decent curries and Chinese takeaways. So we quickly adapted in the same way the Romans gave us plumbing and salt. But we don't like people terrorising us on our home soil. That does annoy us and hurt innocence and suddenly you find us Brits won't just take it. We get our own back and we can get really sneaky.

You see being British isn't a genetic thing it's a mental state of mind. If you can witness what we have, brush the dirt off yourself and get back on with normal life within often as little as hours, then well done you're British. If you can see the humour in a man running away from an attack still carrying his pint then yes you can carry the name .

So next time you question if a person is a card carrying brit don't looking at the quantifiable but instead at the emotional. ..

Flying toys time

So we have made it to May with the western world in as big a political mess as it started the year in, and the leaders throwing tantrums worthy of a nursery play. Whether it be one leader screaming he is being badly treated, yeah right read a few history books mate, or another so over confident in her micromanagement destruction of any one none productime she has called yet another bloody election. The reason is the same, they all think they are untouchable. Well for the moment they might think that, and if you are one of many people suffering by their hand it sure feels like it. But karma has a nasty way of catching up with them.

In my life time Nixon fell in disgrace, the Berlin Wall was smashed down, various eastern European tyrants came very unstuck. It just takes time, and unfortunatelythe pain and suffering that occurs during that time. These leaders may truly believe that history will remember them favourably, but it is them who is delusional. For history remembers the little people, and the leadership is tarred by the quality of life of the little people. If the poor are starving, the elderly freezing and Ill and vunerable  neglected, then that's how the societies success is measured.

So whilst Trump acts like a spoilt brat he is, and May is trying to sweep any weakened humans into society's rubbish bin, history is already making notes to this affect. They won't honour these callous excuses of humanity, but ridicule them. Sure it's painful to live through, but we the little people will succeed without resorting to name calling and  toy throwing like our current leaderships.

Simply put

It's been a hell of a week here in London, and I doubt anyone missed the incident in Westminster. Another delusional extremist felt the need to rob people of their lives to prove a point. I made be sounding blasé here but I feel the need to point out a few of the home truths of us Brits, which is why these acts of terrorism have never and will never work.

Since the arrival of the Romans before the year 1 AD we have only had two successful full invasions, the obvious one of 1066, and an invited one of William of Orange in the 1600'S when we had enough of our own monarch. Now before and after these event we have had multiple attempts of invasion and terrorism from the blatantly aggressive Napoleon and Hitler to our own home bred IRA in the my life time.  In fact we have fought off so many there should be a hall of infamy for the attempts. These failures happen mainly due to the sheer stubbornness of us as a nation, and after a very interesting chat to my American spouse he suggested I share my thoughts here.

You see Britain, the Scandinavian countries and a few of the commonwealth countries seem to react very differently to these attacks, than some of the bigger stronger nations such as mainland Europe and America's. It's not necessarily a better way, but it works for us. It is often referred to as unemotional of the famous stiff upper lip of  us Brits, but it's something more basic than that. We aren't detached from our emotions as much as we are possessive over our own personal space. The reason for this cold well stem back to the middle ages where the feudal system was in place and a man's status was defined by his amount of designated farming land. Being on such a small amount of space our own ownership of land is a major thing to us. We don't take kindly to someone trying to take it or the freedom that comes with it away, so we will do what ever our country needs to stops some outside force from taking this.

Over the years this has become an instinctive behaviour and often is referee to as an island nation mentality. But it's this bloody minded behaviour that kept us going through two world wars and constant IRA attacks in the latter 20th century. We will play dirty to secure our borders, trick our enemies and most of all we stick together regardless of anything but the fact we a born and bred Brits. It was this spirit that got London back in operation not 12 hours later than this last attack.

Sure we get emotional, and there are plenty of tears shed for our fallen innocents and servicemen, but it is done quietly so as not to give the opposition reason to gloat. We will support our wounded, praise the emergency services and honour our hero's. But more importantly we don't forget, we seek out the people behind this and we do demand justice whether it takes hours or years.

Now I am not saying this to gloat, but just point out our differences, which in fact unite us with Europe and America. We may act differently, but we are feeling the same way as your do during your attacks. And your actions of unity are noticed and appreciated, we don't mean to seem cold or offish in our actions, it's just inbred into us that we won't let these idiots get to us. There have been plenty of jokes going round about the fact we just have a cup of tea and carry on, and I know it seems looking in at us, a little callous, but it's not meant that way. It's just our warped humour ridiculing the enemy do they don't have any power over us.

So now I have said all that I wish to honour our fallen policeman, and the other victims by asking people if they wish to, to support our air ambulances, or the just giving pages for the families of those lost. Make a proactive decision rather than let the fear take over and remember to salute our enemy in the age old Churchill salute

What right

I have been reading a bit recently that is not only thought provoking but also brings to light the question that does either the government or religion have the right to question or dictate our sexuality.?

The reason being is this, until recently it was believed our sexuality was defined by our ratio of X and Y chromosome with the occasional hiccup that creates either trans or hermaphrodite. Pretty basic really, but now science has developed and it turns out there is far more complexity to it. You can be born one chromosome preference and have the hormones of the opposite, thus truly creating a gay or homosexual. So it becomes not a question of emotional preference but instead a case of scientific need. By the same research it also means a person can have a shortage of either hormone and thus creates either pan or a sexual and a person with neither dominate hormones becomes either of the last two or bisexual.

This isn't a random theory but now scientifically proven research that is being quietly filtered into society through some of the more academic channels. Unfortunately it's being released a little too quietly in current political light. Hence my want to bring it to the blog. On top of this there is also research coming through about the flexibility of sexual preference in animals in relation to population numbers. The research is noting dependant on animal species there is either an increase of barren animals or none sexually productive unions when the population becomes over populated. Or in basic English some species of animals turn gay to prevent over population.

All this research will take a while to become mainstream, but it's there if you research enough or like me listen to BBC radio 4. The proof is there in black and white that scientifically people can't just change or cure themselves of their sexuality it's installed in their DNA. And all this isn't even touching the fact that there may also be a genetic trait as well that could be passed down family lines. But that is still being studied, although I would put money on that knowing my family tree.

I guess what I am trying to say is that science has caught up with the reality a lot of us have always known. Now it's time to drag the governments and religions of the world kicking and screaming into the world of realism. Sexual orientation is decided the same time as our eye colour, when we are conceived. Not amount of persecution is going to change that. I can understand more the religious hiccups over this as religion often run by a moral code established in a different time, when life had different challenges and needs, but governmental there is no need for such prejudice, it's only down to fear and personal discrimination.

It's time the world accepted a few home truths!
1 it's unreasonable and inhuman to force a person to change their sexual orientation
2 the diversity and increase in non reproductive sexual preference will increase in relation to man's over population of the earth
3 now is the time to be more accepting of any orientation before hetro becomes the minority
4 stop the hate it's only going to hurt you, and may well be you are suppressing you own natural inclination to confirm to an outraged theory.

So to all my multi lettered readership I hope this is a little bit of hope in this troubled time.

For international woman's day look towards Iceland

Long title I know, but I couldn't find the witty short version. Maybe it doesn't need some sound bite either as after yesterday's mass celebration I have found a near Utopia. I say near because no one is perfect, but for sure Iceland has taken the most pro active step in female equality. However may I also state it took a drastic action 40 years ago to get it there.

To go forward let me go backwards a bit with a brief history lesson. In October 1975 the majority of the female population of Iceland went on strike for one day. Not just in the work place but also in the home, for 24 hours women refused to do anything. The country came to a near standstill,schools closed, as did factories, and places like banks the big bosses had to get behind the counters just to keep them open. Sounds a bit extreme,but remember females are 52% give or take, of the population worldwide.

The outcome of those 24 hours in Iceland was they were the first country in the free world to vote in a female president. Now fast forward forty years and it has been declared that in all businesses in Iceland they are obliged to prove pay equality in the work place. When write down it sounds like very little, but if you look at the real figures the lack of equality of pay in the work place is a very blatant yet legally allowed action. It's demoralising, and to be honest down right insulting, to over 50% of the population, yet it's as socially acceptable now as it was 100 + years ago.

Now the actions of Iceland suddenly sound a little more ground breaking. This one island nation has basically put most of the western world to shame not just once but for the last forty years. A small country with a far smaller economy yet higher quality of life has made all of Europe and America look positively  medieval with their pay discrimination.

It's been one of the main protest points through out the world, particularly yesterday when we celebrated women, well that and the unedited pink tax. But one small nation has proved it can be changed, and in the case of Iceland, has been changed. So time for the rest of the world to wake up and smell the coffee. In the meantime, I'm looking at the pros and cons of immigrating for all so many reasons, but the fact I would be seen as an equal is a big pro.

Again? Really!

I wish I never turned my phone on today, it is a straight repeat of a month ago but with added poison. If it isn't north Korea having a pot shot at Japan, it's the tax returns of several world leaders and their opposing number. That's with out referring to the great leader of the free world and his crazy ideas and reintroduction of  the dam Muslim ban. Seriously what is wrong with these people, are they so drunk on power that common sense hasn't even managed to penetrate their brains.

Plato once wrote something about tyranny being born of democracy, well we certainly being ruled by the worst of democracies off spring. I truly believe we need a complete shift change of power and maybe even a total restructure of society. Neither democracy nor communism seem to be working, and pure Marxism isn't viable because it demands total social equality and man seems unable to maintain that concept. So what is left? What is our future that will prevent total ruin, and that folks is really what we are heading for. Because if we allow North Korea and other countries to leave over self obsessed imbeciles have the power to wave a nuclear threat on the world, we are destined to all pay the price.

But the western system is no better, we have leaders who deal with fear by total ostracising of a religion, rather than admit the fact they are terrified of a few radicals and taking direct action them. By banning whole countries you run the risk of not alienating these people but by default forcing them into the hands of the very people we all fear, the radicals. Not to mention the fact that the countries choose aren't the ones that are breeding these radicals but instead the ones full of their victims. Seriously people, take action and stop protecting your personal business interests, which is what our wonderful leaders are doing. Countries that are by far more risky are not subject to the same sanctions purely because certain people have hotels, golf courses and other business in there. Yet the real victims are being penalised, quite possibly illegally, by default.

But how do we stop this happening? What can the little person do? Well we are not able to do it on our own, but on mass with the right words and guidance we could bring this to order. However isn't going to be easy or quick, fortunately the age old days of revolution by guillotine or bullet are socially unacceptable, and personally I am very grateful as I don't think I could stand the bloody mess literally. It's going to have to be done by law and legal power, by finding the age old rules hidden in our moral codes that are our safety net. By supporting the legal charities that are helping the masses, you are helping us not just win the victory per sec but also taking the moral high ground by not lowing your standards, like those in power are hoping we will. Support the mass demonstrations, but be mindful to keep them peaceful, again don't lower to their level. This governments are hoping we start lawbreaking so they can hit us with the full wrath of possibly martial law, and remove the few freedoms we still have.

The way to destroy the system in from the inside out, not from aggressive attacks from the outside. That's what they are expecting, but we need to prove we as a world nation have grown enough not to need the government to parent us, but instead we mean they treat us as mature adults. There is real possibility for a great social growth if we don't let these idiots kill us on the way.

Left wondering

The reason I haven't written much this week is down to fact I am beginning to wonder where the hell we are meant to turn. The news has been full of such tales of corruption and subtle covert means of sneaking laws past I really wonder if the only way the free world can recover is by a total social collapse like Rome.

The roman empire set out to be the perfect state of democracy, however over the years greed, debauchery and down right corruption worked into the system so fundamentally the whole system collapsed, hence the saying that the last emperor Nero played the violin as Rome burned. Granted a bit dramatic but that's how far the system destroyed itself.

I am currently reading my roman history, as it is one of my weaker points, and all I can see is straight comparisons to how we are living at the moment. The roan empire stretched throughout Europe all the way to England in the east and into parts of north Africa and touching the middle east in Israel and so on. They never got Scotland hence we live with Hadrian's wall as a reminder. What happened after their collapse is very apparent, especially here in the UK. The Romans dragged us kicking and screaming into the modern world with straight Roads, bathing Houses, salt as a preserve and so on. But as soon as they left we slipped back for a long time like hundreds of years till the Tudors picked up some of their knowledge and worked it.

The reason I say this is I think we are truly heading for this kind of collapse and backwards step in our social identity.  Bare in mind Romans had engineering in their coliseums we Base our modern stages, yet for 500 years we forgot about it. So it was a big backwards step as far as social revolution is concerned and we could be facing that again. Things like the Internet etc are common place at the moment, but imagine it being down graded to country limited or transport being such a luxury that holidays are unaffordable? Scary but it is quite possible we are heading for a big jump backwards.

It has happened multiple times in history and is long over due after the big leap forward of the industrial revolution of the 19th and 20th centuries. If you think about it in less than 100 years we went from walking to bikes/trains then to cars and flight then to space. It's a hell of a leap. Yet i'll give you another frightening stat, since the year I was born 1972 man has not returned to the moon. That's 40+ years. The development has slowed considerably and soon will stop. And like every other time this happened our political status is troubled to say the least or as I feel at the moment we are totally screwed.

What really fills me with fear us the fact that a good 75% of us would seriously struggle with out electricity or gas. Most people would last oh a few months or even up to a year. But if the infrastructure we are so used to collapses, money becomes worthless, shops irrelevant as no stock what the hell would most of us do. How many families can cook on open fire or knit sew and darn? How many can grow crops to last the year and preserve food with out a freezer? Sure that's worse case scenario but it is worth remembering we forgot about plumbing and sewers for 300 years after the Romans left.

It would only take a sonic weapon or husky fit from a strategic country or two and we will be facing that future. Time for us all to wise up and start looking out for us the little people as it's obvious no one else will.

Oscar hangover

So stupidity reigned and I did stay up to watch the Oscar's, and actually it was refreshing viewing. For once it wasn't a pat on the back for the white film makers, but a truely honest reflection of winners from all demographics. But boy when they cock it up they really do make an art of it. But that's not my post, it's more about the opulance wasted on one night.

I don't begrudge the awards, and the glamour and glitz as it brings so much to so many. What gets me is the run up, and after events. Even the goodie bags seem to be a way to demos rate excess for what? Sure if you want to give a thank you gift one necklace or cuff links etc would be sufficient but bags in the region of the value of $16000 is just offensive. Before you say anything I think the same of the BAFTA'S and any other awards ceremony. Surely the nomination and possible win are reward enough. It's not just the value it's the gifts themselves, holidays, personal trainers vouchers, plastic surgery vouchers are all the norm. Now let's get some things clear, most actors or any person in the industry works on the bread line, living job to job and taking on other jobs to pay the rent. It's only 5% max who make the glossy heights of these awards. So basically the already highly paid are having money thrown at them. Occasionally you get a few underdogs win, but it rare, and a win alone can increase your financial worth, as you are seen as a good bet for film returns. So why are we giving these people even more?

I have to be honest, if I was in their position I would be embarrassed to accept these items, and apart from maybe a trinket to remind me of the event most of it would be given to charity or something, bar certain things like plastic surgery vouchers. These I have a real, issue with, they shouldn't be handed out like bottles of fragrance, but something a person carefully thinks about, after all it is surgery. It's not a case of taking your body for a service like you would a car and having it resprayed and reshaped. That is just crazy.

Then we get to the pre show parties and then the after show parties. These are just over the top. A few and I mean few are used for charity fundraisers, fair enough, but the rest are just ways of promotion in wealth in the most grotesque fashion with food and drink. In current light it is the wrong way to unite the people. One agency did kick the fashion this year and organised a rally of unity, for public and media alike, rather than hold their annual gala. Good for them, they got their hands dirty and jeans on rather than waste days sourcing the perfect dress to wear whilst holding a glass of champagne worth more than some people's hourly rate.

I have been to so many galas and ball over the years and to be honest I don't why they even bother with food. It often comes out looking more like a piece of art rather than a meal. Often it's cold and rarely lives up to its expectation. Nine times out of ten I end up at a burger joint afterwards. Hence when Ellen ordered pizza in at the Oscars a few years back I really laughed. Especially considering most of the artists have been on such stupid diets since Christmas to prepare to wear gowns probably a size smaller than they usually wear.

The whole concept is so fake and detracts from the real event, awarding people who have excelled in their craft. Sure put a fancy dress on and have a good night, but don't create barriers of wealth, especially in current times, when it is these same people speaking out against prejudice. It doesn't work and in one week can destroy a years worth of rallying.

Give your audience a Cinderella of an event to watch, by all means, but let's not become drowned into a event that makes the french court of Louis the XIV look tame.  So whilst they are nursing champagne hangovers, maybe it's time to think, this is the time to change the habits of greed and take it down to a more realistic level minus the material gain.

Opinion or trolling

I have recently been made aware of the arts of social media lack the subtlety of face to face communication. Not from any thing I have or done, but the effects it has had on others. It's made me stop and think a little not just about what I post, but by what is posted to me.

I tend to keep my opinions, or rather detailed opinions to here where people choose to read it. But I do tend to rant a bit on various social media sites. However I never deliberately aim it at one specific person, unless they start on me. More often than not I tend to give them a chance to give an adult point of view and if they get mean I get friendly with the block button. I also have a decent real life support group who also have social media accounts so I have online and real life grounding. But it has left me thinking when is the line actually crossed, when does a debate become trolling? And what is there really there to support people who feel victimised?

Sure we all can use the block button, and the report button, but to the more emotionally engaged of us is that enough. There is no real forum or support group for victims of online trolling, to teach people the skills to detach from the emotional trauma of it all. Because given its true name trolling is just invisible bullying whether it's at a Hollywood star or a 14 year old girl in her bedroom. In the last few weeks I've seen it happen to both, and in both cases I have tried to reach out with support, one took it the other didn't, as it has happened I also noticed another person I follow has just deleted all social media and I am hardly surprised having seen their time line recently it was filled with hateful messages from people who have no real life knowledge of the person, but still chose to ridicule without full facts. It's this mentality that frightens me, that people judge based on 140 character remarks.

In no circumstances is it right to joke about mental health, depression or worse, yet people on mass made it the fuel to insult every aspect of the persons life be it public or personal. Hang on a moment, isn't there a big awareness drive to promote mental well being and encourage people to open up about depression? Yet if some one with public status admits to it, whatever the cause it become an annual duck shoot, no that just not right. The line between reality and social media is not that hazy. If it is wrong to say it a face to face then it must be wrong to do it on social media. Hence I hate the word trolling , it makes it sound more soft, less offensively. It is what it is bullying, no better or worse than picking on smallest child in the playground, or the quietest administration in the office. If you type words full of hate and venom then it should be treated the same way as a basic bully.

I actually get scared to think how far this can go online, we have all read about the poor teens who are driven to suicide over this. But it's not just teens who are vulnerable, in reality we all are on a bad day, doesn't matter if your face is on vogue, or you serve burgers, we all have feelings, emotions and vulnerability. I'm no expert, but I have to admit I pick my days to rant, when I know something I type will cause mix reactions, so I am braced for the onslaught of abuse and support. It sounds calculated, but it's my self preservation routine. I don't dislike adult debate in fact I quite relish the idea of a sensible debate, but for the one person I get onine who will debate and reason, I have to block upwards of 10 people who want to batter me to the kerb just to justify their own existence.

So much as social media can be a cure for loneliness at times, and a source of information and comfort, it comes with teeth.  Like an unknown sea it's worth stepping in cautiously and not diving head first in.  I dread to think what the cost is going to be before the moderators really look at modifying it to become safer. And the next time you moan because your favourite pop  star has deleted their snap chat or some thing, ask yourself what they may be feeling, have they just been bombarded with hateful comments? And more importantly make sure you are supporting your friends online, a throw away joke can easily be misinterpreted online, chose your words wisely. I leave with a famous quote that is so relevant to this.

The pen is mightier than the sword.

Well that's what a weather bomb is?

Is it me or have we taken to adding extreme labels to what used to be defined in more simple terms? I grew up in the 70's and 80's, when we experienced snow and hurricanes during my education. It those days they were called either snow days or like in 1987 we got storm days, when the weather brought down one in every three trees where I live. But if we could we got up, brushed ourselves down and if we could went to school or work. Sure it could get a little scary like trying to get home during the storm 1989, but we managed and I am sure it toughened us up a bit. But I never heard a weather incident being called a bomb, what's with that?

Have we become so over zealous with health and safety that things have to be labelled with such dramatic sub fixes that the fear of all that is holy is enforced on us. I mean, sure weather can be dangerous and unpredictable, fatal even, but nothing common sense shouldn't be able to guide us through. I do believe since the dawn of man we have had weather, extreme weather even, so why have we suddenly become so sceptical about it? Why do we all go into mass hysteria at the mention of snow? It is either going to fall or not , so why the crazed rush to the nearest store to by all the milk and bread you might need for an army for the next week? Chances are it will be a light dusting gone by the next morning and if it is worse, you do have legs, walking is an option. Its not like the majority of us don't live 15 minutes away from some shop!

The whole situation makes me alternate between laughing at the stupidity and crying with despair. Are we really so soft now no one can make a loaf of bread at home ? Or do you not know you can buy powdered milk? I know come October after making all the jams, chutneys etc from our home grown stuff I do a full cupboard check, stocking up on basics like flour, yeast, canned lentils and other dried goods. Yes it's a little old fashioned, but it means we never have these panics, nor do we ever run out over the Christmas season if friends drop in. Then about March or April we consciously start running down the stock and not replacing in the shop. Yes we also have candles and batteries in stock. Even the odd sleeping bag and duvet. But it just takes the stress out of life.

Maybe being disabled for the five years means I am overly aware of my limitations, and snow days are a thing of my past, but we make it a family activity and part of our families harvest for want of a better way of putting it. It could also stem from the fact I spent half my youth living with family on the edges of Dartmouth where weather could physically cut you off and the power could just go out. I don't know, but I do know that now living in the suburbs it's hard to understand this panic mentality and over dramatics of a fierce wind. If you lived in the Highlands of Scotland or even on the coast of the north Sea I would understand, but not in greater London. We are too populated to end up in that kind of chaos.


I'm not belittling the property damage or danger there can be, but that's always going to happen and there is little we can do but avoid unnecessary risk. Just make sure the elderly and more vulnerable don't have to put themselves at risk. I stuck my nose out this morning to see my wheelie bin looking more like a weeble that a static object, that was enough for me to know the garden centre can wait till tomorrow or the weekend rather than me adding myself to the statistics of my local hospital. For those who work etc, it's not so easy, but doable, you just have to slow up and accept time is  not your friend today and everything will take longer. Travel will be upset, but better late than dead in my book and sure you may be late home and frustrated at that, but it's nothing personal and next week will be forgotten.

These are normal occurrences in life, the weather is something we just have to live with, along with other people and taxes, they are a fact of life. There is no point in panicking and absolutely nothing is achieved by giving them dramatic labels. Instead we have renamed it stew and dumpling day, and if I am very lucky it may also be mulled cider day. But it certainly doesn't need to be a weather bomb day, just a little hiccup, that equals tomorrow will be find your bin day.

And now the crash to earth

So after much delay and multiple tantrums I finally got the answer about my leg. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I have the worse and best case scenario facts. That said it was a struggle to get the whole story and I really don't like having to stamp my feet and yell before these are offered on an intellectual equal basis. But that's a row for another day.

For none of this gives me the not so quick fix it want and needed. After 4 months of being limited by fiberglass and pain, I've had it spelt out to me that it's going to be a long slow battle and I maybe only a third of the way through it. In reality I may still be in plaster till June and almost certainly in an airboot till the full 12 months are up. The only consolation I have from all this is the fact that even if I had agreed to the operation everyone was so keen on the length of healing time would be no shorter and quite possibly longer. That's not even taking any possible complications I may have had into consideration.

So the reality of this is if you break 3 bones in your leg in a complicated fashion like I did nothing is going to speed up the healing not even surgery. Personally I am little depressed by this fact as I have already been knocked back years with my back recovery and every week this goes on for drags me down further.

But what can I do? It is clinical fact and only nature can take its chosen course.  I'm just along for the ride.

Just a little nervous

I may have mentioned I'm am currently knee high in plaster. Thanks to myself and an unlit ramp having a disagreement in October I've been hopping through life with at least three broken bones and a fibreglass cast. Well for me tomorrow is decision day, whether it finally healing properly on its own or whether my consultant demands it does need surgery.

Personally I've been dodging the surgery route for many reasons. One of the main ones is the NHS seems to be so overstretched that my consultant had not and probably still hasn't fully read my notes. For if he had he would have known I have spent the last five years on crutches because of my back and haven't been fully mobile since 2011. But that was news to him when he threatened I wouldn't walk properly and I said well I hadn't in 5 years anyway.  There were several other red flags during my 18 hours emergency admission, like taking no notice I was in shock and borderline hypothermic, that I was in so much pain I was burning through morphine in 20 minutes, no one told me what I had broken and how bad it was and so on. But the main reason for all my issues was the NHS was so overwhelmed it couldn't take 5 minutes out to actually talk me through everything and instead tried to enforce some form of institutional regime on me.

The whole course of my treatment has been a bit of a conflict, to the point they have me on a medicine I researched only to find out it is meat based, and I have been a strict vegetarian since 1981 due to allergy. When I tackled them on it, my concern was disregarded and told I had to take it or die. Which even I know is bull, as there are 3 options medically I know of. It raised more and more questions in my head, would they force and Jew to take this pork based medicine, or would they just not tell them like me? Would they force a Hindi to take a beef based medicine?  Has our medical service got to such a level that any personal information or choice is secondary to their demands?

In reality part if this has been brought upon ourselves, by agreeing to do certain cosmetic surgeries because someone doesn't like their nose/chest/etc. Sure there are cases where a person is injured or disfigured through no fault of their own, where that is a necessary, but I have heard of so many people having unnecessary operations on the NHS it makes me scream. I can honestly say every time I have been in surgery my life and health depended on it.

But it's not just us individuals who are to blame. The management in the NHS is shocking. I know this because I grew up in the eviroment, I was there when the pattern of behaviour changed for the worse. Gone was the input from the people hands on in the hospital and in came advisors and management from the private sector, when that happened commonsense left the building. I have been witness to one in three light bulbs being removed, and people sitting in their chair with a dead person in the bed beside them because some one was on strike.

Since all this happened the accident and emergency room has become a pit stop for drunken idiots who think it's the norm to be the and get sewn back together at our expense. There seems no move to stop this either. By ridding the hospital of the power of the matron, it has removed it from the concept of moral common sense. In its past a matron would have the power and respect to sort the wheat from the chaff, thus saving unnecessary expense. Now it's all middle management and fear of the suing culture that has developed.

I have been told several times over I could sue for thousands, but that's not in my nature. The NHS is there to provide for us all when we most need it. But it's very existence relies on our ability to self evaluate, if you are drunk no amount of medical care is going improve you till you are sober in fact you are just hogging a bed from someone desperate for it . instead deal with your drunken state then if you are really in pain see your gp. Likewise if you wake up feeling like hell on earth see if over the counter stuff works first, a horrid cold just needs time and fluids. Use the phone service if necessary, I did for swine flu and was immediately treated medicine shipped to me and put on house arrest till my gp could deal. Sounds bad, well at least I didn't share it with all my friends. And yes I really did have it i was ill for 8 weeks, nearly hospilised twice. I dropped 3 dress sizes and it has left me permanently weakened with lasting effects.

The whole point is if used correctly the NHS should work for all, but because a few are majorly abusing it its working for none. To the point I am scared to put my life and health in their hands as they are so over stretched. I've spent 4 months so far in plaster and not once has a doctor made me feel safe or reassured by their understanding of my full condition. Ten minutes of conversation and discussion of options could have saved this but it's ten minutes that they have to spend on the abusers and health tourists.

Little fish

Grrrr I am so mad with the news channels today and it's not over politics for a change. It's over sport reporting, which if you know me, will know this is unusual. I am not the world's greatest sports fan. Sure I have been to see Crystal palace play, and like horse sports and motor sports, but that's as far as I go. I will cheer on my local team and obviously nationally when  they deserve it.

However this year's FA Cup has got interesting as my local football team, that are really low on all the leagues have made it through to play on of the highest teams in the country, tonight. Good for Sutton United, the players deserve the credit as most players a day jobs and practise on top of that. They have no high transfer fees, a tiny pitch, and only enough seats for local style matches. I know this because for two years I worked opposite their home ground. Match days were always fun as parking was limited, and I ran the off license opposite  so if they won we got very busy very quickly.

Anyway that said, tonight they are playing out of the league and all the press and media have taken to reporting the fact. But it's the language they refer to the team I find insulting. Just because they don't have a high bank roll or grounds that include enough space to hold every few at food known to man, doesn't mean they are any less skilled or supported. In fact I believe they work harder to get to this position as they have less time to train having to work normal day jobs. But the media love to prefix their name with words like "little" or "underdog", it's just insulting. They maybe a non professional team with a changing room the size of my bed room but on the pitch they play just as hard with less monetary reward, but local praise overflowing.

It won't have been so noticeable to me, but for the fact this household saw it all before last year when Kansas City me the playoffs in the United States. My husband being a Kansas State boy, was over joyed, especially  as he had dragged me to Wembley which turned out to be their first win of a long run of wins. Don't ask me to explain more about that game I still have no idea, except their game is played in quarter which means more beer and hot dog time, whilst a band plays and girls in barely there outfits jump around to keep warm. But like Sutton United the media used the same derogatory language to Kansas City.

It seems to be in modern sporty out only carry any weight or credentials if you have a bottomless pit of money, most of your players are bought in rather than  local players, and you turn match into a bank breaking event for the family. This is why I don't follow sport much, it's too much business too little natural local talent. People forget the football team of 1966 that won the cup against Germany  all had proper jobs and not six figure salaries. They didn't have sponsorship deals to boost their already overflowing bank accounts. They had to win to get bonuses. May be that's how it should be. None of this pick and number and add six noughts to it transfer deals. You train with your local team, you have a proper day job to pay the bills, and only get rewarded when you actually win something . We would then have the chance to watch skilled talented players. Instead of spoilt brats who take a dive rather that get a bruise.

Sorry but that's how I feel and why tonight I'm cheering on Sutton United, knowing their fans watching live are long term season  ticket holders who watch rain or shine win or lose. They are the team that deserve to win even if they are little fish in a shark pond.

Duck! toys have started to fly

Well it was only a matter of time before the sins of  governments catches up with them. And hasn't the last 24 hours been full of it. Both sides of the Atlantic have seen people exposed for lying. In Britain it wasn't too bad but in the USA it's paving the way to impeachment I think.

The thing is no matter how sneaky or devious these people are, we are in a new world filled with technology. Nothing is truly private and everything is recorded some where. Whether it be what you bought 3 weeks ago in the supermarket, or who you sat with at gala dinner, some one some where will have the filmed and digital evidence. So the days of old school sneaky are long gone. You have to be a techno wizard to delete all the photo evidence of just going to shops nowadays. Whilst I am not entirely comfortable with this living version of or wells 1984, it has sure got rid of the biggest threat to American security since water gate.

What I didn't see coming was the pathetic whine from the supposed great leader, saying he was exposed by false news using illegally obtained documents. Er, OK if it is supposedly false news, surely there wouldn't be any documentation to obtain legally or illegally? And as for the legality of it all, maybe oh wonderful leader should worry less about what the press are doing and more about the fact he has broken the Constitution by discussing treaties with other not so friendly countries, before being sworn into power.

If all that wasn't bad enough there is small matter of only allowing 1 press organisation to cover any white house business, including allowing the owner sit through meetings with other countries Representatives. Mmm, that's not allowing the press the freedom they are legally entitled to, actually that sounds more like state run media only. And England is no better they are also allowing the same media house to do the same here. Which begs the question who is dictating to whom. Because I am now asking the question how much of this media control is being fed back to our lesser friends. It all stinks of a bigger corruption than we originally thought possible.

I am just watching for the moment, but if certain people keep stomping their feet saying it's false news etc, it will become a case of thousands protest too much. I actually fell about laughing at that little rant. I know I shouldn't as the whole thing is potentially very dangerous, but how can I take these people seriously when they can't get their own way they sulk.

By comparison we Brits are fighting the fact the government has completely disregarded us the voting public, the right to stop a certain state visit. Which is actually one of our civil rights. I notice there have been no tantrums though, or claiming falsehood. Nope we have dug our heels in and are going to a higher power,our monarch. Basically we are going to make it as difficult as possible for our government to carry on down this path. This really shows the difference in mentality between people who belief in true democracy and people who think their country is too stupid to make a decision. Both sides of the ocean the people's pester power is beginning to eat into the normal reserves of those in power, and make them throw all their toys out the pram. Guess we better keep ducking and diving because it is obvious they aren't going to stop their tantrum quietly. But they better to remember when they run out of toys we won't be giving them back, they will be on a permanent time out once they have done. Democracy will prevail but for now we have to ride this little hiccup and learn to laugh at the tantrums.

Inner wealth

Oh it seemed forever stopped today
All the lonely hearts in London
Caught a plane and flew away
And all the best women are married
All the handsome men are gay
You feel deprived

Yeah are you questioning your size?
Is there a tumour in your humour,
Are there bags under your eyes?
Do you leave dents where you sit,
Are you getting on a bit?
Will you survive
You must survive

When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

(Robbie Williams Supreme)

Anyone who knows me knows I have a very elective taste in music, well in most things really. You are just as likely to hear me listening to Mozart as I am to be the latest dance track. I like what I like and nothing can alter my taste. In the same breathe I don't avidly follow one or two musicians buying every album regardless. Hence my CD collection is as chaotic as my DVD one. It's not I'm not loyalty, it's a case of each film, disc book etc is judged on its individual merit.

Actually a lot of my life is ruled by that, I don't like to get stuck in a repetitive rut. I won't stick with just one take away, mainly because I find they get lazy with my order if I use them to often. i get dissatisfied very easily. It's that point that lead me to the song I quoted above. I don't think I am alone in having the patience of a gnat as my family so kindly put it. I have always been demanding, not on a spoilt fashion, but in seeking better. I always put it down to the performer in me, I was never just satisfied, any performance I was in I could only see the faults I had made. This was the same when I started writing and directing youth arts. The drive I had to do better was strong enough to carry not only myself but the entire cast and crew. My poor flat mate at the time will tell you that we were setting up till gone midnight the night before because I wasn't happy with the lighting and music links. Stuff the fact it was my birthday or we had rehearsals 8 hours later I needed it sorted there and then.  The same when I competed musically, by my mid teens my family used to hire the services of my oldest friend to deal with me before I went on stage as it was like dealing 8an explosive.

It wasn't and isn't because I wanted more or to even win. It's this drive to better the moment, and where necessary implement equality and fairness. If a competitor was unfairly marked or judged, or rules broken I would the first to shout literally. By the same rules if I wasn't up to fair competition I would withdraw rather than half arse it. 

Only once can I remember competing unwillingly, I was 26 post ear surgery so I had lost 40% of my hearing and withdrawing because of that.  To top of that I had the cold from hell and that screwed hearing anything worth while. It was the week of my mentor, my grandads birthday, who was on the downward spiral of dementia at the time. Anyway we took him to the competition to hear the others and return my trophy from the previous years win. Totally disregarding my own views I find I have been entered and they won't let me back out. So I spent the next half hour doing nothing but scales etc to see if I could even hear in tune. The answer was no but it gave the instrument and I one hell of a warm up, then I glanced over a piece of music I was studying on the violin, not the banjolin I was competing on. Basically  they are tuned the same but played differently. Then before I knew it i was on the stage competing. I never heard the previous entrees  as I could not have heard them anyway I was literally winging it my hearing was so bad. Anyway I am playing this piece to Schubert praying to God I wasn't embarrassing my grandad coz I have no idea how it sounds just it feels OK. It's when I finish I am hyper aware of the silence. Even being practically deaf you can feel the stillness I remember glancing over at my grandad who for the first time I can remember has tears in his eyes. It feels an age but the reality is its seconds and I'm receiving a standing ovation.  But all that matters was the smile of my grandad. Somehow I had blown the completion out the water and won outright with the highest score to date. My grandad was dead within 8 weeks but for those 8 weeks and especially that day, he had seen the fulfilment of all the years of his and my work.

The point of that painful story is it was, as everyone has told me ever since, that the drive in me to always bring even better to the table meant I was more than ready to do the job when knocked back. By never being just happy with, means it's so ingrained in me I could perform in my sleep. I refuse to just settle and that's why I refer to the above song. The drive for a love supreme means to look for that thing called Utopia or Nirvana. The ultimate moment of perfection. Because by consistently seeking it, we can give others it on our journey. I never knew that the competition would be the last time my grandad would hear me perform, at that time he was walking etc. But in that performance it gave him so much joy, yet I never heard a note I played, and you know what it doesn't matter, the fact it brought him happiness was reward enough for me. That's when you realise your own inner wealth when you see the happiness in others.

Why the world needs superheroes

I've been trying for a long time to avoid the DC comics vs Marvel Cinematic Universe clash of films. Partly because my heart lies in the Star Wars direction of escapism and partly because I was never a comic geek.

Sure I have enjoyed the Rami directed spiderman and the 4 80's& 90's Batman series. But that's as far as my knowledge went, well till last year. I knew my green goblin from my joker, but no interest in superman of any era and as for the fact the Avengers and X men were in the same world and never heard of Guardians of the Galaxy. But now it's drowning the cinema and partly due to boredom and partly due to curiosity I began to read a bit of the links between characters etc.

Now despite my fondness of Tim Burton's Batman, I will call it now I'm team Marvel. This is no disrespect to DC and the characters as big as Harvey Quinn, the Joker and so on. For me it's just I find Marvel more complicated and thus more comfortable for my brain. I like complicated and messy it's like life itself and sorry DC but Superman is just too good to be valid.

Now that's out the way I will get to the point. The sudden surge of these world's into our lives. Why now? Well there's an answer I can come up with and ask the great Stan Lee if I'm right, and that is we need them. We, the world's society need the hope they offer and to believe in the power of good and bad, in the same way we needed them in comic books during their original outings. For our American readership what is more patriotic than Captain America, the perfect citizen even before the serum he wanted to serve his country for the greater good. For us British there is actually  a Captain Britain and his sister Psylocke. For European audiences there are Thor and the Black Widow and so on. There is multiracial characters sexuality ambitious characters and just plain fantastical characters, silver surfer anyone? What I am saying is there is a hero and or anti hero and quite possibly a villain for everyone. It's a complex cultural study. To be honest I can see many a creditable thesis of cultural reference being able to be written on what is basically and originally childish entertainment and moral propaganda.

Before you think I am being dismissive of this I am not . I am the person who wrote an a level paper of the religious undercurrent of ET in relation to the crucifixion and got a decent grade for it, even if I can never watch the film ever again. I also believe in years to come Star Wars is in the future going to be viewed in the same way we now see the brother Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson moral fairy tales. So I went into these films open minded. But I knew very little and have to play a lot of catch up. Even now I would say my knowledge is a Grade 3 on a 10 point scale but there is a limit to how much will go in, especially when I keep cheering for Harry Osborn over Spiderman, I know I'm warped. I also hold a little reserve when like my beloved Star Wars of see the dam stamp of a mouse over it now. So I do refer to ink rather than film at times. No offence Disney, but it's going to take me years for you to be forgiven for Frozen and that reached song.

Anyway the MCU and comics do hold true to the basic good versus evil story and morals but with one healthy dose of realism, some of the characters if not all of them are flawed beings. The first person who tries to tell me Tony Starke is a good role model will see my flaws. I may be a bit mean picking on him, but he is the most clearly flawed character. However each and everyone one has a touch of humanity in them. Be it wisecracking Deadpool, emotional detachment issues  in Rogue, arrogance of Thor and Loki or just plain anger issues in Hulk. Sure some are hammer up for entertainment purposes as are the construction of the abilities. I mean if there was really a way to turn yourself into a green testosterone wrecking ball via gamma radiation or a gymnast capable of shooting website from a spiders bite then there really would idiots in this world doing so. So the characters are always just that fraction exaggerated to become fiction. However in certain  characters like Iron Man, Falcon, Black Widow and even Professor  X there is that what if factor. Keeping it just on the realms of plausibility in the future evolution. And it is that reason that keeps grown adults hooked as much as children.

By capturing this element the purpose is complete. To give hope and positive propaganda in the source of entertainment without getting completely political with the message. Although anyone who can't see what hydra starting out representing needs a history 101 refresh. DC did get blatantly political with  The Watchmen and I'm sure if I dig deeper into will find the same with Marvel, but hopefully the mouse in their house will limit that on screen. But I digress, they are both a tidy little bundle of hope and inspiration wrapped up in often Lycra and garish colour taste. Although even the colour palette is very carefully constructed of primary colours mixed with metallic and black and white leaving the viewer under little doubt whose is what. With the exception of green, if a character is green or wearing green all bets are off as they can go either way. Green Goblin and Hulk for Marvel and the Riddler or poison Ivy. Black isn't the colour of bad or white the colour of good, but more a definition of a characters inner demons and driving force. It's all very political correct with making viewer aware of just how perfectly they are constructed. It's a way of working via the subconscious.

And that is the reason we need these films more than ever. We need these pedals tool idols to not so much believe in but to reassure us there is a way forward. By not realising just how much they can relate to our real world problems strengthens our addiction to them and by adding that touch of cute and ahh factors with the introduction of characters like baby groot, it is sure to capture even the more resistant of us all. So the reason we need superheroes in our lives is quite simple, for as long as we are struggling in times of darkest desperation we need hope and for some reason hope looks good in Lycra and or armour plating . So matter how old you are or who is your favourite it's ok to love a superhero(s) or in my case anti heros because anything that can offer entertainment and moral compass yet still looks good in tights and makes you laugh, well there is always a need for that.

For those in the UK against the state visit email update

	You’re receiving this email because you signed this petition: “Prevent Donald Trump from making a State Visit to the United Kingdom. The Government has responded to the petition you signed – “Prevent Donald Trump from making a State Visit to the United Kingdom.”. Government responded: HM Government believes the President of the United States should be extended the full courtesy of a State Visit. We look forward to welcoming President Trump once dates and arrangements are finalised. HM Government recognises the strong views expressed by the many signatories of this petition, but does not support this petition. During her visit to the United States on 27 January 2017, the Prime Minister, on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen, invited President Trump for a State Visit to the UK later this year. The invitation was accepted. This invitation reflects the importance of the relationship between the United States of America and the United Kingdom. At this stage, final dates have not yet been agreed for the State Visit. Foreign and Commonwealth Office Click this link to view the response online: https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/171928?reveal_response=yes This petition has over 100,000 signatures. The Petitions Committee will consider it for a debate. They can also gather further evidence and press the government for action. The Committee is made up of 11 MPs, from political parties in government and in opposition. It is entirely independent of the Government. Find out more about the Committee: https://petition.parliament.uk/help#petitions-committee Thanks, The Petitions team UK Government and Parliament

Different dance

Kind of a different post tonight, only because I fancied a change. Tomorrow is valentine's day, or as I renamed it hallmark holiday no1. Despite being married and having had boyfriends I detest the day. The reason for this is so very complex, but I know I'm not the only one.

Apart from Christmas it is notorious for making the most number of people feel lonely, isolated and unloved. If that isn't a bad enough reason, then it should be. The other is it a completely warped history of the saint, for commercial gain. Second only to Christmas is religion manipulated to commercialism. Here is a quick history of the saint.

Valentine was eventually caught, imprisoned and tortured for performing marriage ceremonies against command of Emperor Claudius the second. There are legends surrounding Valentine's actions while in prison.

"One of the men who was to judge him in line with the Roman law at the time was a man called Asterius, whose daughter was blind. He was supposed to have prayed with and healed the young girl with such astonishing effect that Asterius himself became Christian as a result."

In the year 269 AD, Valentine was sentenced to a three part execution of a beating, stoning, and finally decapitation all because of his stand for Christian marriage. The story goes that the last words he wrote were in a note to Asterius' daughter. He inspired today's romantic missives by signing it, "from your Valentine."

Really cheerful isn't it. Hardly the stuff of red roses, stuffed bears etc. It's a story of suffering and sacrifice for the sake of others.not trying to impress by material gain. 

I remember working in an office were it was a sign of your status how many bunches of flowers were delivered to the workplace. Although I went absolutely mental one year when I couldn't get round my teams desk for interflora deliveries and a life size bear that was a giant fire hazard. Not to mention of the sugar high my team was on for the next 24 hours topped up with cheap plonk overnight. I have to admit I burst that balloon literally and metaphorically, by banning any deliveries to my team during work hours. Not because I hated the fun of it, but for the negative effect it had on others who had no deliveries or choose to keep their lives private.

Apart from that it was the sheer expense of money wasted. If you really love someone, why do you have to break the bank on an overpriced meal, crowed with others all doing the same, or roses that suddenly double in price and are totally out of season. Why not surprise them any time with a posy of their favourite flowers after a hard day, or a day out alone with a quiet meal in and uncrowded restaurant on your anniversary? Why wait till a day in your office calender reminds you of the token spending required?

St Valentine was a priest who gave his life to allow other to love. So in his memory would it not be nicer to take the money you would waste on a bunch of flowers that will be dead by Saturday, and instead give it to a charity in your other half's name. Or just perform a random act of kindness to a stranger. They are more fitting to remember the day and a lot less dividing but more uniting.

From my bed here in London happy valentines day,may your life's be filled by knowing you are loved.

Brain overload

Dorothy: "How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?"

Scarecrow: "I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?"

The wizard of Oz

I guess today I was wondering where to go now. Having one of those moments when the anger has been replaced with nothing but a void of emotion. Even watching the baftas failed to stir my blood.

I had hit that point of emotion exhaustion that left me totally drained and to be honest done with this world. Fed up of governments antagonising each other at the expense of the human race. I wouldn't say I was ready to check out but I was close to being asked to be put on ice.

 Then I started watching 127 hours, hardly a feel good movie, but it worked. It worked at getting my depressed brain back into the realms of uncomfortable resistance. It's horrifying to think that this film is real and as close to watching the event as I ever want to be. It reminds me of schlinders list and the effect that had on me. The only other film I've filed in my life as no need to rematch unless I have completely lost touch with reality. Both films thanks to stunning performances and excellent film making, have the ability to take me down to the rawest of emotions.

Based on that I started thinking what would lift not just me but those who choose to read what I wrote? What could claw back an element of humour and so this page has got a few quotes to help this.

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

– Gandalf, from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

I did this with the intention of saying sure we all have our down moments. Tiredness can leave even the best of drained. But that's the whole point of the arts. To revive us, to guide us, inspire us and when needed to uplift us. Although neither of my previous mentioned films are what I would call uplifting, they are a sure good kick in the arse. Unless like me you have vertigo then maybe exchange 127 hours for something as my stomach is still wishing film was as realistic as it now is. But then maybe I needed to be scared stupid at that particular moment.

The whole point is history is constructed by struggles of the human race. We are facing a struggle like people before us did and unfortunately probably people after us will. History is full of it on a global, national and personal level. Maybe we have all got a little complacent in the last 50 years. We have forgotten the struggles of the last two world wars and left it as footnotes in history. There a few left who remember real hardship on mass like they knew during the 40s? Maybe we got careless about our right to vote and choose who we let loose with our democracy?

All in all I think this is all ours wake up call and the alarm bells is ringing loudly folks. So yes if it gets you down take a time out, not a check out. Find something that will give you that kick you need and dust yourself off. It's only right we keep resisting until our goal is achieved or our last breath exhaled.

."Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realise free will is a gift that you'll never know how to use until you fight for it." The Adjustment Bureau

Resist the clandestine attacks

To suffer woes which Hope thinks infinite;
To forgive wrongs darker than death or night;
To defy Power, which seems omnipotent;
To love, and bear; to hope till Hope creates
From it's own wreck the thing it contemplates;
Neither to change, not falter, nor repent;
This, like thy glory, Titan, is to be
Good, great and joyous,beautiful and free;
This is alone Life, Joy, Empire, and Victory

Percy Bysshe Shelley

There are a lot of quotes and catch phrases going around, but for some reason I was looking for something more substantial. Something that can turn a negative into a positive. So I went fishing in my Byron and Shelley and found this.

It got me thinking, about the eras of the great poets. The metaphysical poets who lived and wrote in a time when we as a country were swinging between  Catholic and protestant on the whim of the monarch of the time. Then you have the likes of Byron and Shelley and the climate of social upheaval they were living through. Through both periods there was also the very obvious outbreaks of talent in composition and playwright. It's like oppression breeds talent.

Now I studied various arts to varying levels and one of the constant questions is what are the authors trying to project in this piece. But looking at it a different way is it not what they are trying to say but rather what do they feel the need to say?

Another key author who uses the times of oppression is John Steinbeck and his dust bowl trilogy. I always struggling when I had to read of mice and men because I couldn't understand the treatment of Lenny to the point it made me mad with anger. But I went back to it and dubious battle recently and released my anger was because for a brief moment we had moved on from that mentally. Unfortunately recently we have taken a massive leap backwards and those issues are now relevant again.

To be honest I am really scared I will have to reread the great gatsby, a book I loathe, if we take any more leaps backwards. But it is frightening how perceptive some of these artists are at the underlying struggle of the masses when things go horribly wrong. And while the world is paddling furiously to stay afloat great artists emerge to document, create, notated and reflect in the most beautiful way imaginable.

Each has a different style and thus capture the times in different focuses, Remember Constable and Turner were contemporaries as much as Mozart and Haydn were. Very very different styles but both reflections of their social existence. Some people opt to follow the Haydon or Constable fashion, calm, pleasant not wave making focus on the positive, others myself included go the Turner Mozart route of blatantly defying and questioning the conventional. But both ways are just as valid and both offer the same thing. Comfort and reassurance there is a way forward.

The arts in turbulent times are often at their peak, for they are at the core of the resistance. When all else is crumbling and the oppression is being sneaky and achieving their objectives by every means fair and foul. The clandestine attacks are meet, documented and exposed by several if not all the arts. Hence you will find a lot of the great artists of the time being the most vocal. The birth of social media is making this even more obvious with their direct call to arms. They are aware of their audience and choose to help educate them. 

The best way to sum other up is remember any great leader can be brought to his knees by the skill of humour from the jester.