Not probably what you are thinking, but I am now writing this from under my duvet awaiting husband to wake up and drive me to hospital. Not quite what a person needs at 3.30am, but welcome to my life. A simple walk down the stairs, no falling or slipping and my knee now looks like it was at the superbowl attached some strong receiver.Anyway in this pain addled state I have two choices, cry like a defeated baby ( which is what I really want to do) or write which is quieter and hopefully more productive. I've chosen the later and hopefully I get taken to hospital before this blog becomes something worthy of an Alice in wonderland dream.
Actually it probably will be just that as that's where my mind was going before I literally snapped to a pain driven state of intoxication with no alcohol. The symbolism of Alice and it's social relevance was what I was pondering. Mix in the fact we are now bereft of the calming tones of Alan Rickman as Absalom and you can probably tell where I going to start.
It is my love for the fore mentioned book and my appreciation for the Tim Burton interpretation that made me ask just how much of the book is now relevant again to society. Once you kick the obviously over the top, whimsy of the childish side if the book. The characters are actually very deep , if in fact very scathing, descriptions of social behaviour. Sure we all know the story of the mad hatter and what he represents, but it's some of the other characters I like to dig a litter deeper into.
Let's look at the White rabbit, a character that's easily identified on a physical level. However it's the personality I love. The constant state of panic and uncertainty that leads to the infamous line "I'm late". If you look at the social standing of the rabbit, he is neither gentry nor pauper, but there to symbolise what was a new social class of educated workers. His panic was derived from his own need to appease everyone as he knew not what he was. That was then, now a days he could easily be every administration worker the world over. In constant fear of targets and such like.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee are probably my least favourite characters of the series. Mainly because they represent the insipid side of social interaction. They are the sheep who only have any opinion if there is more than person to say it. They lack back bone but happily indulge in the profits of success. A characteristic we probably all witnessed in today's workplace.
Then there is the walrus and the carpenter oh these were such clever characters so easily overlooked. When perhaps they are the most developed and repulsive characters in the books. They happily lead the oysters to their death, for the benefit of no one but the walrus and the carpenter themselves I always suspected they were based on the mill owners of the time, but now I wonder if it was more to symbolise the government and their ways to entrap the masses to sacrifice themselves for the good of the nation. Either way these characters are actually very disturbing for any child's novel.
Then we end up at the wise (if dubiously stoned) caterpillar, or Absalom as the Burton film named him. Is he just the voice of reason concentrated into one character, or is he more? I suspect he is actually the journey of life itself hence the use of a pipe of sorts. The fact he is a caterpillar is the interesting bit, a creature of 4 very different stages of life, egg, caterpillar, larvae, butterfly. The egg is childhood , caterpillar, adulthood, larvae old age and the butterfly death? In which case he is the most symbolic character of all and the reason Alice listens to him.
Just in these few questions and thoughts I think you can see where I am getting my thought process from and why I feel this book us just a applicable now to adult and child alike as it was when it was written. If you agree with this or just want me to take this deeper with a deeper look at other character please comment, as I would love to go further especially with Cheshire cat.
But for now I'll leave you thinking on what I have, whilst I head off to my own little rabbit hole and pray I don't need to eat or drink anything from the room at the bottom of that rabbit hole
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
Monday, 8 February 2016
Boys and their toys
This is one of those random blogs that has been churning in the back of my mind for a while. So I finally decided to just put it out there. I am only writing this from the female view, as guess what I am, but it is applicable to either sex. Nor am I making any assumptions regarding gender and hobby type.
I say that because the original idea of this post came from a comment made by Jay Leno on the now defunct version or of Top Gear, that he had only one wife and 150 + cars. He went on to say this was because he went home smelling of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume. It got me thinking, whether it be cars, train sets, gardening or even ballroom dancing, in the past men and women have always had their own identity apart from the relationship or marriage they were in. Whether they participated alone or together was a personal choice, but these activities were a strong part of the persons identity.
I give for example my grandparents, my grandad was not just a keen and skilled musician, and carpenter, he also ballroom danced to competitive level with my grandmother and ice dance with his sister to similar level. On top of working very hard pre, during and post war. He was home when needed and active in the raising of his children. My grandmother also worked in her own right, yet she wrote poetry, was skilled in needlework, musical and incredibly well read. They had hobbies on top of all their day to day life and a marriage that last well beyond my grandmothers death, as my grand dad never remarried despite having offers. This idea of multiple hobbies was common those days, and for some reason two generations later I am living proof it continues. But for a lot of people those days are gone.
If they finish work they either hit the bar, head to the gym or slump in front of the TV, and end their day that way. Claiming they have no time or energy to do more. But is that the truth, or just the change in social expectations. More frightening is it this mundane existence that is leading to the social decline of the family was we know it, and even the health issues our dear government keeps highlighting. Gone are the days when a family would happily go to a child's recital just to enjoy it, now it's all what standard are they at, how they have improved and will it get them the kudos required for their level of education. A partner will justify their need to attend after work drinks, to keep in the playing of promotion etc. When all they are really doing is damaging their health and possibly heading dangerously into the mine field of work related affairs.
The idea of doing something regularly for fun or interest seems ,to be a forgotten art that society no longer has time for. Now I am not saying we need to return to Victorian times where women chatter and swoon and men retire for cigars and brandy, but there are values we do need to re asses. The dependence of technology to entertain us is really quite scary both mentally and physically. Office status can be reliant on know what happened on the latest reality show last night, rather than something that happened in the real world. This was a pattern I noticed when I was stuck in the office rat race. Often being ostracised from work interaction because I had no clue what TOWIE was, or the fact I had no intention of getting drunk after work as I would rather spend the time indulging in my own choice of past times.
Now I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact from it as my husband and I are on two different ends of this spectrum. For him a power cut causes tantrums as he can't watch his precious sport, when in reality it would do his health a great deal of benefit if he stopped 2 aching and started playing some. We are also suffering the constant suspicions of what the other is up to as there is no mutual ground of hobby enjoyment. Which is probably this post has been at the back of my mind for a long time. My husband has no understanding or interest of n watching a play, going to gallery or even watching motor sports in a muddy wet field. To be honest 6 have had a battle to get him to go to a museum with me later in the week and he was only moved by the temptation of a meal out.
This lack of wanting to see more do more for the fun of it baffles me, as it is great to bring something fresh to talk about within the family. Which then raises the question do families really talk any more? So the circle continues and we become less and less human and more and more robotic. If we become this devoid of emotional outlets we can find in hobbies and activities, adultery and family breakdown are going to be more and more common till we reach a point of social implosion.
Where as I am at a crossroads in my own life, I do know I would rather I had a partner who came home smelling of oil, or turps, covered in mud from gardening or callouses on their fingers from practising an instrument, than one who smells of the latest wine bar or worse some one else's cheap perfume. Maybe it's I time we slow down this great social revolution, and remember to reclaim what makes each one of us... us.
I say that because the original idea of this post came from a comment made by Jay Leno on the now defunct version or of Top Gear, that he had only one wife and 150 + cars. He went on to say this was because he went home smelling of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume. It got me thinking, whether it be cars, train sets, gardening or even ballroom dancing, in the past men and women have always had their own identity apart from the relationship or marriage they were in. Whether they participated alone or together was a personal choice, but these activities were a strong part of the persons identity.
I give for example my grandparents, my grandad was not just a keen and skilled musician, and carpenter, he also ballroom danced to competitive level with my grandmother and ice dance with his sister to similar level. On top of working very hard pre, during and post war. He was home when needed and active in the raising of his children. My grandmother also worked in her own right, yet she wrote poetry, was skilled in needlework, musical and incredibly well read. They had hobbies on top of all their day to day life and a marriage that last well beyond my grandmothers death, as my grand dad never remarried despite having offers. This idea of multiple hobbies was common those days, and for some reason two generations later I am living proof it continues. But for a lot of people those days are gone.
If they finish work they either hit the bar, head to the gym or slump in front of the TV, and end their day that way. Claiming they have no time or energy to do more. But is that the truth, or just the change in social expectations. More frightening is it this mundane existence that is leading to the social decline of the family was we know it, and even the health issues our dear government keeps highlighting. Gone are the days when a family would happily go to a child's recital just to enjoy it, now it's all what standard are they at, how they have improved and will it get them the kudos required for their level of education. A partner will justify their need to attend after work drinks, to keep in the playing of promotion etc. When all they are really doing is damaging their health and possibly heading dangerously into the mine field of work related affairs.
The idea of doing something regularly for fun or interest seems ,to be a forgotten art that society no longer has time for. Now I am not saying we need to return to Victorian times where women chatter and swoon and men retire for cigars and brandy, but there are values we do need to re asses. The dependence of technology to entertain us is really quite scary both mentally and physically. Office status can be reliant on know what happened on the latest reality show last night, rather than something that happened in the real world. This was a pattern I noticed when I was stuck in the office rat race. Often being ostracised from work interaction because I had no clue what TOWIE was, or the fact I had no intention of getting drunk after work as I would rather spend the time indulging in my own choice of past times.
Now I am not saying my life is perfect, in fact from it as my husband and I are on two different ends of this spectrum. For him a power cut causes tantrums as he can't watch his precious sport, when in reality it would do his health a great deal of benefit if he stopped 2 aching and started playing some. We are also suffering the constant suspicions of what the other is up to as there is no mutual ground of hobby enjoyment. Which is probably this post has been at the back of my mind for a long time. My husband has no understanding or interest of n watching a play, going to gallery or even watching motor sports in a muddy wet field. To be honest 6 have had a battle to get him to go to a museum with me later in the week and he was only moved by the temptation of a meal out.
This lack of wanting to see more do more for the fun of it baffles me, as it is great to bring something fresh to talk about within the family. Which then raises the question do families really talk any more? So the circle continues and we become less and less human and more and more robotic. If we become this devoid of emotional outlets we can find in hobbies and activities, adultery and family breakdown are going to be more and more common till we reach a point of social implosion.
Where as I am at a crossroads in my own life, I do know I would rather I had a partner who came home smelling of oil, or turps, covered in mud from gardening or callouses on their fingers from practising an instrument, than one who smells of the latest wine bar or worse some one else's cheap perfume. Maybe it's I time we slow down this great social revolution, and remember to reclaim what makes each one of us... us.
My own private influence
Influences come from a lot of places and people, the usual like teacher's and people around us, from literature and film, from a piece of music or a leaf in the wind. Everyone has them and how we choose to use them is very much a personalised occurrence. But from my last few post particularly, but always dormant, I realise there are few influences I will never shake and by burying them I am lying to myself.
Now we are all very capable of lying to ourselves, and the majority of do just to survive this struggle called life. But by lying we are hurting only yourself. Influences are guiding or warning forces in our life. They are meant to remind us what choices we have and the alternative paths we could follow. Yet so often we close our ears to the quiet whispers and follow the yelling voice like a sheep.
You may wonder where I am going with this and how it applies to the title, it's simple. I am more and more aware the harder I shut out a whispering voice of my youth, the more it is actually relevant in my life, private, public and creativity. The loud voices I have always followed are becoming less and less relevant. Not just in the blatantly obvious way, but in the subverting and deviant way. The joke is this influence was one that scared me and freaked me. I was uncomfortable not just with the fact that this was even an influence, that it had any revealed to me apart from people involved, but now 20 (cough) years later, I am learning to listen to the whisper of its real influences.
The needle that pricked me to this realisation is the fact I have found others have also found similarly strong influences from the same thing and they have acted on it, which has subsequently creating a greater good for other. I know I am being ambiguous about it all, and I am doing so very consciously. If you ask why I will never tell ad it could add a superficial level for some people and trust me at the moment I am very much not working on nor have time for the superficial. Call me self absorbed if you want, I don't care, but it's the message not the story I want your attention on.
At the end of the day it's the whisper not the yell that will influence you the longest.
Now we are all very capable of lying to ourselves, and the majority of do just to survive this struggle called life. But by lying we are hurting only yourself. Influences are guiding or warning forces in our life. They are meant to remind us what choices we have and the alternative paths we could follow. Yet so often we close our ears to the quiet whispers and follow the yelling voice like a sheep.
You may wonder where I am going with this and how it applies to the title, it's simple. I am more and more aware the harder I shut out a whispering voice of my youth, the more it is actually relevant in my life, private, public and creativity. The loud voices I have always followed are becoming less and less relevant. Not just in the blatantly obvious way, but in the subverting and deviant way. The joke is this influence was one that scared me and freaked me. I was uncomfortable not just with the fact that this was even an influence, that it had any revealed to me apart from people involved, but now 20 (cough) years later, I am learning to listen to the whisper of its real influences.
The needle that pricked me to this realisation is the fact I have found others have also found similarly strong influences from the same thing and they have acted on it, which has subsequently creating a greater good for other. I know I am being ambiguous about it all, and I am doing so very consciously. If you ask why I will never tell ad it could add a superficial level for some people and trust me at the moment I am very much not working on nor have time for the superficial. Call me self absorbed if you want, I don't care, but it's the message not the story I want your attention on.
At the end of the day it's the whisper not the yell that will influence you the longest.
Sunday, 7 February 2016
Who the hell am I? and how do I write
I have not become totally narcissistic, in fact the total opposite. I hate my picture taken. But actually trying to write anything constructive involves surprisingly a lot of reading. Fortunately that is something I do enjoy immensely, and by doing so I have stumbled across an artist who for what of a better word intrigues me. I am not going to name drop who the person is or give any other clues, but say it is one statement they made that caused this post. A comment about not trusting anyone who doesn't show their face on social media when posting.
Now me being me, has to take this one step further. It's just who I am, get over it, I thought I would give you a brief insight into how I look and what really happens when I try to put my voice forward. Below are a few scattered images of me mid thought or writing, the physical process and a token shot of some of the obstacles I have when writing. Trust me they're obstacles at 2am when I am trying to put the world rights and they want to steal my corn chips.
I am English despite some of my sayings, taste and opinions, I blame having an American husband for that. Yet I run on international time especially when posting, mainly because I let ideas fester before I put the final result down. Especially if it is news based, I try to get multiple countries opinions before I say anything. This is taken to the extreme by the fact I sleep with a news channel on the TV. Not a particularly healthy habit I know, but it works for me.
How I would advise anyone who embarks on any creative activity is fairly simple. Always have a pen and paper with you. You never know when a thought, picture or phrase will inspire you. I never thought I was organised but I never leave home without these bits, then I can always expand on things that affect me when I get home. I do the same at home nearly always jotting notes down and going back to them when I have the time to do it justice. Fortunately on this day and age most phones have camera's on, as sometimes a picture is all you need to inspire a thought and my phone is littered with random shots because of this.
I would love to say I am a highly structured human being, but much as I hate to admit it I am far from it. Which is probably why I have never finished anything longer that a full book outline. My length of concentration is of measured by the noise in the house and amount of coffee and cigarettes available. Which even by my own admission is pretty bad. But it works for me, and my old writing tutor did say you have to find what works for you. By the same breath I can't work in total silence quite often as not both the TV and my mp3 player are going at the same time as I am writing. Subconsciously it helps me focus on what I am actually writing about. It's how I I got through years of university. But that's just me , other people need total silence and can't stand how I work.
Anyway those are my top tips on working, the why should be apparent in what I write about. The resonance is a question I still seek the answer to, and drives my ambition. If I am not writing, reading, performing or something I realise I am no longer me. A trait I have in the past try to suppress and with almost tragic outcomes as I nearly lost my mind. So I won't be doing that again any time soon. Although I have to admit there are times writing a blog takes a back seat to another project I am working on as I only have one set of hands.
Anyway back to my new found inspiration. Some one out there had a drive that has made me look close and hard at myself. Am I doing enough? Could I do more? And should I push myself. You can guess what the answers to those questions and while I accept I will never have their success or audience, I found in seeing others do it I can free myself to be me. If people like it so be it, if not not harm. But for every page you get to read there is ten times of unseen material in one medium or another unseen. That raises many issues with me, should I release the other work, or even push to get my work really out there? That's a process I am trying to resolve this year. Whether to try and get some of my unseen work into the mass market.
For me the Internet is as much a curse as a blessing, anyone can write or compose in their bed room, and anyone else can find it. But is thus helping or hindering a person's ability to get true reactions to their own ability? I don't know, but I am going to try and find out. For now have a laugh at the pictures below, it may be the only time you get to put a face to the voice.
A letter to myself
I have seen so many famous people do this to their 16 year old self. It got me thinking, never a good thing, so I thought long and hard about various stages of my life and decided to do four letters, 6, 16, 26 and 36. I choose these ages very carefully as the letters will make very clear. The one thing I will say is please be warned this is not going to be easy reading at times but things I need to say to myself.
Dear me aged 6,
So you are at school number two already, and already feeling the pressure of societies labelling. The next two years are going to be the hardest. You already have suspicions of people's really intentions, and unfortunately your worse fears and more will become a reality that will mark the rest of your life physically and mentally.
That said you do get a reprieve, and a move to somewhere that has faith in you. So grit your teeth and prove the critics wrong. Remember very moment of pain now will become fuel for the rest of your life. You will become resilient and tenacious, both talents that will in fact and quite literally save your life more times than I wish to remember.
For now focus on the positives, throw yourself into the acting and church stuff away from education. They will become more useful than that painting that has been criticised and laughed at.
Oh and there is a good reason why you don't make the grade with gymnastics, don't worry if you had continued down that path you would have had more problems. Just get through the next two years, you will get a break, granted temporary, and time will dilute the flashbacks.
Your 43 year old self.
Dear 16 year old me,
You have escaped at last, no longer is education going to be a swear word to you. In fact anything else that you do study wise is going to inspire you further. All that pain is now behind you, so learn to smile again. College is going to be a blast and a great eye opener. You will learn to renew old friends and discover so much.
You are about to really experience all performance, professionally. Grab every opportunity with both hands and enjoy. The rewards will be amazing and you will carry with you for ever.
You are also going have to grow up very quickly, you will suddenly expected to become the adult for all those around you, but don't worry you cope admirably, just don't think, act on impulse, you will be fine. It will be scary and there is going to be pain at the end, but enjoy every moment of the next 10 years and hold them dear.
Oh and I am sorry to say you are going to also find out just how fragile your health really is. You are not indestructible, and it's going to get hairy at times, but it does resolve it's self for a while. Long enough to do what you are looking forward to.
Love me 43
Dear me at 26
You are in pain, and believe me you are not having your smartest moments. You are making choices that could kill you, and dam nearly do emotionally. You are seeking instant gratification in everything. I want to scream stop it at you, but I know that's pointless as you need to learnt these lessons the hard way. By doing so you will find that inner strength you will need.
On the good side you also find out how smart you are and get yourself into university, just a shame you will never complete it, but that isn't your fault. It is life and it's warped sense of humour. Just enjoy the benefits of the time there, you will learn a lot and discover just how much you could do.
Home life is going to be very hard as it shatters many times over. You will get through and come out stronger. Just don't cling to what could have been it will drive you mad. Most of all make the most of day to day life, I'm sorry to say the next ten year's of near normality are all that's left. So grab every day of it, if you really want to dance all night do it, horse ride, go for it, oh and that ear issue will resolve.
Love me 43
Dear me 36,
Well you got married, that was a surprise. But it's not going to any fairytale, trust me. Don't think it's going to help anything because it won't. I would love to say it will work out, but I can't answer what I don't know.
You are in for a hard time, harder than anything you can imagine, and this time you are not going to bounce back, sorry but best forwarded. You are in for the fight for your life, but you do survive, at a cost. Enjoy the small pleasures like walking the dogs, dance training the kids and so on, because these days are very numbered.
I would say be kind to yourself work wise, but it's useless as you have this drive that will nearly kill you just to survive. Just remember there are times you just need to walk away with your head held high and screw the rest. There are some people out there that are just bitter and jealous.
Your career is nearly over as you know it, we are still working on that, but your life is going to follow a very different path. You will make new friends in strange places, and they accept the good with the bad, even when walking becomes hard. You develop a new coping pattern, it will work. Just stay strong, you will need it.
You have said goodbye to some very close relations, just remember they were even younger, you made it through where they could not, if nothing else you owe it to them to build on the good days.
Where are we going? Honestly I don't know, we are still working on the, just always have your camera, phone and pen and paper with you. Oh and please learn to pack your medication, trust me on that.
Me at 43
Dear me aged 6,
So you are at school number two already, and already feeling the pressure of societies labelling. The next two years are going to be the hardest. You already have suspicions of people's really intentions, and unfortunately your worse fears and more will become a reality that will mark the rest of your life physically and mentally.
That said you do get a reprieve, and a move to somewhere that has faith in you. So grit your teeth and prove the critics wrong. Remember very moment of pain now will become fuel for the rest of your life. You will become resilient and tenacious, both talents that will in fact and quite literally save your life more times than I wish to remember.
For now focus on the positives, throw yourself into the acting and church stuff away from education. They will become more useful than that painting that has been criticised and laughed at.
Oh and there is a good reason why you don't make the grade with gymnastics, don't worry if you had continued down that path you would have had more problems. Just get through the next two years, you will get a break, granted temporary, and time will dilute the flashbacks.
Your 43 year old self.
Dear 16 year old me,
You have escaped at last, no longer is education going to be a swear word to you. In fact anything else that you do study wise is going to inspire you further. All that pain is now behind you, so learn to smile again. College is going to be a blast and a great eye opener. You will learn to renew old friends and discover so much.
You are about to really experience all performance, professionally. Grab every opportunity with both hands and enjoy. The rewards will be amazing and you will carry with you for ever.
You are also going have to grow up very quickly, you will suddenly expected to become the adult for all those around you, but don't worry you cope admirably, just don't think, act on impulse, you will be fine. It will be scary and there is going to be pain at the end, but enjoy every moment of the next 10 years and hold them dear.
Oh and I am sorry to say you are going to also find out just how fragile your health really is. You are not indestructible, and it's going to get hairy at times, but it does resolve it's self for a while. Long enough to do what you are looking forward to.
Love me 43
Dear me at 26
You are in pain, and believe me you are not having your smartest moments. You are making choices that could kill you, and dam nearly do emotionally. You are seeking instant gratification in everything. I want to scream stop it at you, but I know that's pointless as you need to learnt these lessons the hard way. By doing so you will find that inner strength you will need.
On the good side you also find out how smart you are and get yourself into university, just a shame you will never complete it, but that isn't your fault. It is life and it's warped sense of humour. Just enjoy the benefits of the time there, you will learn a lot and discover just how much you could do.
Home life is going to be very hard as it shatters many times over. You will get through and come out stronger. Just don't cling to what could have been it will drive you mad. Most of all make the most of day to day life, I'm sorry to say the next ten year's of near normality are all that's left. So grab every day of it, if you really want to dance all night do it, horse ride, go for it, oh and that ear issue will resolve.
Love me 43
Dear me 36,
Well you got married, that was a surprise. But it's not going to any fairytale, trust me. Don't think it's going to help anything because it won't. I would love to say it will work out, but I can't answer what I don't know.
You are in for a hard time, harder than anything you can imagine, and this time you are not going to bounce back, sorry but best forwarded. You are in for the fight for your life, but you do survive, at a cost. Enjoy the small pleasures like walking the dogs, dance training the kids and so on, because these days are very numbered.
I would say be kind to yourself work wise, but it's useless as you have this drive that will nearly kill you just to survive. Just remember there are times you just need to walk away with your head held high and screw the rest. There are some people out there that are just bitter and jealous.
Your career is nearly over as you know it, we are still working on that, but your life is going to follow a very different path. You will make new friends in strange places, and they accept the good with the bad, even when walking becomes hard. You develop a new coping pattern, it will work. Just stay strong, you will need it.
You have said goodbye to some very close relations, just remember they were even younger, you made it through where they could not, if nothing else you owe it to them to build on the good days.
Where are we going? Honestly I don't know, we are still working on the, just always have your camera, phone and pen and paper with you. Oh and please learn to pack your medication, trust me on that.
Me at 43
Saturday, 6 February 2016
The reality of chronic illness and pain
If you glance down my posts you will realise although I have a reasonable life and hopefully a sharper brain, my existence is plagued with chronic illness. In my case more than one illness, which despite sounding over the top is not uncommon. Nor is this post a pity party asking for sympathy, far from it, as I have finally accepted the fact that the times my body decides to take leave of its ability to function, my brain seems to counteract and work twice as hard.
This sounds crazy but it is a truth that is becoming very useful. I have managed to read just under a book a day since Jan 1st and finally convert my notes into blog posts of some reason, if a little controversial. I have a new mini library on order in both book and dvd as I am using the time to maintain my brain functions.
But for all this light and happiness there is a darker side of chronic illness, a side that I face daily. The hardship of planning any form of life, of getting day to day functions done. Up to Thursday I was okay, not overly brilliant but manageable. Come that night it all went turtle quite literally, as my hip and lower back decided not to work with at all and I went down not once but twice in the space of two hours. The second time managing to add insult to injury by bringing a crate of books down on me and scrapping offending hip down a metal box. Subsequently I am now retired to my bed on doubled up medication, a lump on my head worthy of a hard boiled egg and a hip red raw swollen and in agony.
Now this is hardly ideal as I have plans for this week that I am determined to make, but worse still it occurs to me this is exactly what I have to justify to our wonderful benefits system. Twice every two years to perused some jumped up administrator with a list of tick boxes, that despite the fact I would actually love to return to work, and have twice as much as I do now, no person in their sane mind would consider me as I don't know from one hour to the next what is going to happen next, and whether I will even manage to stay conscious for 8 hours plus commute.
Now if my writing was rated in any way measurable I would consider trying to get published, but to be honest since the expanse of Internet that has become even harder to achieve, despite possessing volumes of written poetry and prose. There are many things I can do, but because it's same as an able body person who is any rational employer going to take the gamble on.
So here I am pondering the realisation that I am in a trap 22, one side can't not see the reason to ease of the pressure to make me normal, when normality won't accept me. That is the reality of living with chronic illness.
This sounds crazy but it is a truth that is becoming very useful. I have managed to read just under a book a day since Jan 1st and finally convert my notes into blog posts of some reason, if a little controversial. I have a new mini library on order in both book and dvd as I am using the time to maintain my brain functions.
But for all this light and happiness there is a darker side of chronic illness, a side that I face daily. The hardship of planning any form of life, of getting day to day functions done. Up to Thursday I was okay, not overly brilliant but manageable. Come that night it all went turtle quite literally, as my hip and lower back decided not to work with at all and I went down not once but twice in the space of two hours. The second time managing to add insult to injury by bringing a crate of books down on me and scrapping offending hip down a metal box. Subsequently I am now retired to my bed on doubled up medication, a lump on my head worthy of a hard boiled egg and a hip red raw swollen and in agony.
Now this is hardly ideal as I have plans for this week that I am determined to make, but worse still it occurs to me this is exactly what I have to justify to our wonderful benefits system. Twice every two years to perused some jumped up administrator with a list of tick boxes, that despite the fact I would actually love to return to work, and have twice as much as I do now, no person in their sane mind would consider me as I don't know from one hour to the next what is going to happen next, and whether I will even manage to stay conscious for 8 hours plus commute.
Now if my writing was rated in any way measurable I would consider trying to get published, but to be honest since the expanse of Internet that has become even harder to achieve, despite possessing volumes of written poetry and prose. There are many things I can do, but because it's same as an able body person who is any rational employer going to take the gamble on.
So here I am pondering the realisation that I am in a trap 22, one side can't not see the reason to ease of the pressure to make me normal, when normality won't accept me. That is the reality of living with chronic illness.
The elephant in the ....
Some where in the last month or so I have developed a lack of inclination to censor what I am really thinking. I guess the realisation that we are living in a dangerous time regarding world peace and religious tolerance has finally give me the kick to stand up for what I believe in.
Now I not going to start off on the evils of one religion verses another, apart from being totally inoffensive it actually achieves nothing, religion doesn't make wars man makes wars. Using any religion hide behind and justify any action is actually cowardice. I have my own beliefs and ones I am not prepared to inflict on anyone. But what I do get irate about is the lack of humanity we the human race are showing to one another. To be honest whether you worship God, Allah, Buddha or little green men, it means nothing if you are prepared to sit on your tail and allow other humans to die from pandemics we could have prevented, pollution we created or wars we all have opinions on.
But how many of us are prepared to glance at the media in what ever form, commentate and then settle back down to our dinner regardless. Thinking a few uttered words is enough. Well guess what folks, its not, the dangers have got all to real for us to just blame the government's shrug our shoulders and carry on as normal. Mainly because normality as we have known it is crumbling beneath our feet. I am not suggesting we oust our government in some medieval ritual or worse, but instead use our voices and opinions to kick the people who represent us, use our votes to make sure we are heard. Even vote by what we buy and where we buy it from, to ensure we are not financing what we don't believe in.
One man alone can not change the world, but he can sow the idea of possibilities, it's been done before Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln to name but a few have all done it, Gandhi did it bare foot without a weapon or shoes. In fact history has prove time and time again, it only takes one voice of reason to kick butt and get world United. Guess we are back to needing that, in a time when we are faced with the biggest mass migration of displaced people since the second world war, an epidemic threating the whole of the American continent, weather and geological activity that thinks nothing of destroying cities, are we really in a position to sit and navel gaze.
I always wanted to be in the public eye, not so much because I wanted the approval of the masses, although the high of a good performance beats any high I have ever found, but instead to have a voice people would listen to, a power and finances to enable the injustice of the world to be rebalanced. I am struggling daily to accept that there is nothing I can do, whether it be another migrant drowning, a disabled person losing all self respect to a over paid member of government or child born with life destroying disability because they were unfortunate enough to be born into poverty.
Yet else in the world we throw away hundreds of pounds of food daily, whine about a ridiculous settlement for a minor hiccup, or complain it takes an extra 10 minutes to get to work, because some one has actual got round to repairing a road. Have you actually watched the bodies in bags, historic buildings destroyed and other horrors that plague our daily existence.
Some wise person whose name, escapes me said the pen is mightier than the sword, and as a whole I agree with this, I have mealy replaced my pen with a keyboard. Nothing is ever achieved by just blowing things up and worse, it takes brains, education even to develop tolerance, chemistry for vaccination and so on. Unfortunately it also takes money, and that is the hard bit for all of us. But let me put it this way, is it not easier to donate to something like water aid or what ever you believe in £3 a month (ie 1 takeaway coffee), than face the horrid realisation that if we continue down the path we are on, whole nations will be wiped out, and if we get further into the war that's brewing rationing will have to return for nations to continue to survive.
I know it's not an easy read, and , but it's not meant to be. Sometimes it's a question needs to be raised, and guess what I just have.
Now I not going to start off on the evils of one religion verses another, apart from being totally inoffensive it actually achieves nothing, religion doesn't make wars man makes wars. Using any religion hide behind and justify any action is actually cowardice. I have my own beliefs and ones I am not prepared to inflict on anyone. But what I do get irate about is the lack of humanity we the human race are showing to one another. To be honest whether you worship God, Allah, Buddha or little green men, it means nothing if you are prepared to sit on your tail and allow other humans to die from pandemics we could have prevented, pollution we created or wars we all have opinions on.
But how many of us are prepared to glance at the media in what ever form, commentate and then settle back down to our dinner regardless. Thinking a few uttered words is enough. Well guess what folks, its not, the dangers have got all to real for us to just blame the government's shrug our shoulders and carry on as normal. Mainly because normality as we have known it is crumbling beneath our feet. I am not suggesting we oust our government in some medieval ritual or worse, but instead use our voices and opinions to kick the people who represent us, use our votes to make sure we are heard. Even vote by what we buy and where we buy it from, to ensure we are not financing what we don't believe in.
One man alone can not change the world, but he can sow the idea of possibilities, it's been done before Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln to name but a few have all done it, Gandhi did it bare foot without a weapon or shoes. In fact history has prove time and time again, it only takes one voice of reason to kick butt and get world United. Guess we are back to needing that, in a time when we are faced with the biggest mass migration of displaced people since the second world war, an epidemic threating the whole of the American continent, weather and geological activity that thinks nothing of destroying cities, are we really in a position to sit and navel gaze.
I always wanted to be in the public eye, not so much because I wanted the approval of the masses, although the high of a good performance beats any high I have ever found, but instead to have a voice people would listen to, a power and finances to enable the injustice of the world to be rebalanced. I am struggling daily to accept that there is nothing I can do, whether it be another migrant drowning, a disabled person losing all self respect to a over paid member of government or child born with life destroying disability because they were unfortunate enough to be born into poverty.
Yet else in the world we throw away hundreds of pounds of food daily, whine about a ridiculous settlement for a minor hiccup, or complain it takes an extra 10 minutes to get to work, because some one has actual got round to repairing a road. Have you actually watched the bodies in bags, historic buildings destroyed and other horrors that plague our daily existence.
Some wise person whose name, escapes me said the pen is mightier than the sword, and as a whole I agree with this, I have mealy replaced my pen with a keyboard. Nothing is ever achieved by just blowing things up and worse, it takes brains, education even to develop tolerance, chemistry for vaccination and so on. Unfortunately it also takes money, and that is the hard bit for all of us. But let me put it this way, is it not easier to donate to something like water aid or what ever you believe in £3 a month (ie 1 takeaway coffee), than face the horrid realisation that if we continue down the path we are on, whole nations will be wiped out, and if we get further into the war that's brewing rationing will have to return for nations to continue to survive.
I know it's not an easy read, and , but it's not meant to be. Sometimes it's a question needs to be raised, and guess what I just have.
See who I am
Now I guess this blog entry is going to divide what audience I have, but to be truthful I am beyond giving a dam. As a wise person once said I am old enough to do what I what and young enough to enjoy it. So I am going to tackle the elephant in the world
sexuality.
yep that one. The one that many would love to file into a couple of tidy little boxes and hide it away. Sorry I am not so Victorian (on other matters I maybe). There has been a long overdue sexual revolution with trans gender and gay finally accepted into mainstream. Like racism and standard sexism it took its sweet arse time getting there, but finally we are learning to accept things aren't so black and white. Life is meant to be colourful and this stark barriers we have created are long overdue an appointment with a wrecking ball. Especially as they are standards proved by nature to occur not just in humans but all animal species, so don't even start with the "it's a carnal sin" bit. I have found nothing in any religion that persecutes animals for being fay, so why apply it to man or woman.
What I really am glad to see and would happily promote is the title fluid sexuality. The sooner they put that on some statistic tick box I will be ticking that. Why, you may ask, especially as superficial am typical WASP, but that's just my point, it's superficial. I may be married etc, but it doesn't define my soul status, or limit my horizons. I don't believe I am capable to define my love by gender let alone person, and maybe I have done myself more damage by marrying, as I have encased myself. Fluid sexuality in its rawest state means you love the soul, not the physical she'll, and isn't that what we are meant to do. As consenting adults we should stop the selfie culture of focusing on the shell and dig a little deeper into what sex is?
Before I get a lot of wise comments about the biology of sex reread what I have just said. I am talking about the inner conception between souls. The ability to be so intense with another you are one the same wave length, you don't need vocal language, or you can sense their pain miles away. That is real sex, sod the physical that's just the carnal pleasure and not the whole package. In fact the bodily action of inter course is so boring at times it becomes irrelevant. Sure it can be mind blowing when it reaches near perfection, but in reality how many times can you really say you have achieved that state of carnal bliss. The chances of reaching such euphoria are just as can be as easily achieved on a deeper spiritual level, and often a greater high.
By now I bet a few of my friends are bracing themselves for something scary if they are reading this, no I am not coming out as gay, again I wouldn't want to limit myself. Not that I feel that's wrong, if you are 100% straight or gay then I applaud you too, I just can no longer say I am 100% anything. That's my point, I really wonder how many people really are?
The reason I choose to start writing this has been brewing on my mind. Yes I follow a lot of performers and actors, and more and more I see their sexuality is an open mine field of free comments, criticism and trolling, and why? Are we that needy we have to label people. So many people are being judged by what others think they are or should be, when perhaps they are actually being more honest than the majority of society, may I draw your attention to Amber Heard, James Franco and Lily Rose Depp as examples. They have all addressed the matter head on fed up with the gossip. Although they may not have given an answer that meets the approval of the masses, they have given an answer that is their truth. An answer that they shouldn't need to give to be honest, as it's no ones dam business if we were to get real for a moment.
The truth as I see it is, and this from my limited performance experience, is that most performers, artists entertainers and similar, are actually more in tune with their own inner self or inner desire (ID), than the mainstream person, it's how a realistic performance is achieved. By this attachment and awareness of the ID, they are more relaxed in how they content with another being. Thus probably making them more truthful to themselves. How ever by default it makes them more open to being labelled or at least societies need to label.
So if there is one thing I ask you to be it's more open minded to the whole situation. Sexuality is a personal thing, that is so complex it can't be given justice in a label. Personally I have to live with the sword I through myself on, by trying to conform, which perhaps was my biggest mistake. I was too scared of being labelled by default, I rushed into gaining a different label and it has become my handcuffs. If I was ten years younger and a whole lot stronger I would have and should have said, I am neither straight nor gay but sexually fluid and proud of it.
sexuality.
yep that one. The one that many would love to file into a couple of tidy little boxes and hide it away. Sorry I am not so Victorian (on other matters I maybe). There has been a long overdue sexual revolution with trans gender and gay finally accepted into mainstream. Like racism and standard sexism it took its sweet arse time getting there, but finally we are learning to accept things aren't so black and white. Life is meant to be colourful and this stark barriers we have created are long overdue an appointment with a wrecking ball. Especially as they are standards proved by nature to occur not just in humans but all animal species, so don't even start with the "it's a carnal sin" bit. I have found nothing in any religion that persecutes animals for being fay, so why apply it to man or woman.
What I really am glad to see and would happily promote is the title fluid sexuality. The sooner they put that on some statistic tick box I will be ticking that. Why, you may ask, especially as superficial am typical WASP, but that's just my point, it's superficial. I may be married etc, but it doesn't define my soul status, or limit my horizons. I don't believe I am capable to define my love by gender let alone person, and maybe I have done myself more damage by marrying, as I have encased myself. Fluid sexuality in its rawest state means you love the soul, not the physical she'll, and isn't that what we are meant to do. As consenting adults we should stop the selfie culture of focusing on the shell and dig a little deeper into what sex is?
Before I get a lot of wise comments about the biology of sex reread what I have just said. I am talking about the inner conception between souls. The ability to be so intense with another you are one the same wave length, you don't need vocal language, or you can sense their pain miles away. That is real sex, sod the physical that's just the carnal pleasure and not the whole package. In fact the bodily action of inter course is so boring at times it becomes irrelevant. Sure it can be mind blowing when it reaches near perfection, but in reality how many times can you really say you have achieved that state of carnal bliss. The chances of reaching such euphoria are just as can be as easily achieved on a deeper spiritual level, and often a greater high.
By now I bet a few of my friends are bracing themselves for something scary if they are reading this, no I am not coming out as gay, again I wouldn't want to limit myself. Not that I feel that's wrong, if you are 100% straight or gay then I applaud you too, I just can no longer say I am 100% anything. That's my point, I really wonder how many people really are?
The reason I choose to start writing this has been brewing on my mind. Yes I follow a lot of performers and actors, and more and more I see their sexuality is an open mine field of free comments, criticism and trolling, and why? Are we that needy we have to label people. So many people are being judged by what others think they are or should be, when perhaps they are actually being more honest than the majority of society, may I draw your attention to Amber Heard, James Franco and Lily Rose Depp as examples. They have all addressed the matter head on fed up with the gossip. Although they may not have given an answer that meets the approval of the masses, they have given an answer that is their truth. An answer that they shouldn't need to give to be honest, as it's no ones dam business if we were to get real for a moment.
The truth as I see it is, and this from my limited performance experience, is that most performers, artists entertainers and similar, are actually more in tune with their own inner self or inner desire (ID), than the mainstream person, it's how a realistic performance is achieved. By this attachment and awareness of the ID, they are more relaxed in how they content with another being. Thus probably making them more truthful to themselves. How ever by default it makes them more open to being labelled or at least societies need to label.
So if there is one thing I ask you to be it's more open minded to the whole situation. Sexuality is a personal thing, that is so complex it can't be given justice in a label. Personally I have to live with the sword I through myself on, by trying to conform, which perhaps was my biggest mistake. I was too scared of being labelled by default, I rushed into gaining a different label and it has become my handcuffs. If I was ten years younger and a whole lot stronger I would have and should have said, I am neither straight nor gay but sexually fluid and proud of it.
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