A letter to myself

I have seen so many famous people do this to their 16 year old self. It got me thinking, never a good thing, so I thought long and hard about various stages of my life and decided to do four letters, 6, 16, 26 and 36. I choose these ages very carefully as the letters will make very clear. The one thing I will say is please be warned this is not going to be easy reading at times but things I need to say to myself.

Dear me aged 6,

So you are at school number two already,  and already feeling the pressure of societies labelling. The next two years are going to be the hardest. You already have suspicions of people's really intentions,  and unfortunately your worse fears and more will become a reality that will mark the rest of your life physically and mentally.
That said you do get a reprieve, and a move to somewhere that has faith in you. So grit your teeth and prove the critics wrong. Remember very moment of pain now will become fuel for the rest of your life. You will become resilient and tenacious, both talents that will in fact and quite literally save your life more times than I wish to remember.
For now focus on the positives,  throw yourself into the acting and church stuff away from education. They will become more useful than that painting that has been criticised and laughed at.
Oh and there is a good reason why you don't make the grade with gymnastics, don't worry if you had continued down that path you would have had more problems. Just get through the next two years, you will get a break, granted temporary,  and time will dilute the flashbacks.

Your 43 year old self.



Dear 16 year old me,

You have escaped at last, no longer is education going to be a swear word to you. In fact anything else that you do study wise is going to inspire you further. All that pain is now behind you, so learn to smile again. College is going to be a blast and a great eye opener. You will learn to renew old friends and discover so much.
You are about to really experience all performance, professionally.  Grab every opportunity with both hands and enjoy. The rewards will be amazing and you will carry with you for ever.
You are also going have to grow up very quickly, you will suddenly expected to become the adult for all those around you, but don't worry you cope admirably,  just don't think, act on impulse, you will be fine. It will be scary and there is going to be pain at the end, but enjoy every moment of the next 10 years and hold them dear.
Oh  and I am sorry to say you are going to also find out just how fragile your health really is. You are not indestructible,  and it's going to get hairy at times,  but it does resolve it's self for a while. Long enough to do what you are looking forward to.

Love me 43


Dear me at 26

You are in pain, and believe me you are not having your smartest moments. You are making choices that could kill you, and dam nearly do emotionally. You are seeking instant gratification in everything.  I want to scream stop it at you,  but I know that's pointless as you need to learnt these lessons the hard way. By doing so you  will find that inner strength you will need.
On the good side you also find out how smart you are  and get yourself into university,  just a shame you will never complete it, but that isn't your fault. It is life and it's warped sense of humour. Just enjoy the benefits of the time there,  you will learn a lot and discover just how much you could do.
Home life is going to be very hard as it shatters many times over. You will get through and come out stronger. Just don't cling to what could have been it will drive you mad. Most of all make the most of day to day life, I'm sorry to say the next ten year's of near normality are all that's left. So grab every day of it, if you really want to dance all night  do it, horse ride, go for it, oh and that ear issue will resolve.

Love me 43

Dear me 36,

Well you got married,  that was a surprise. But it's not going to any fairytale,  trust me. Don't think it's going to help anything because it won't.  I would love to say it will work out, but I can't answer what I don't know.
You are in for a hard time, harder than anything you can imagine,  and this time you are not going to bounce back,  sorry but best forwarded. You are in for the fight for your life, but you do survive, at a cost. Enjoy the small pleasures like walking the dogs, dance training the kids and so on, because these days are very numbered.
I would say be kind to yourself work wise, but it's useless as you have this drive that will nearly kill you just to survive. Just remember there are times you just need to walk away with your head held high and screw the rest. There are some people out there that are just bitter and jealous.
Your career is nearly over as you know it, we are still working on that, but your life is going to follow a very different path. You will make new friends in strange places, and they accept the good with the bad, even when walking  becomes hard. You develop a new coping  pattern, it will work. Just stay strong, you will need it.
You have said goodbye to some very close relations, just remember they were even younger, you made it through where they could not,  if nothing else you owe it to them to build on the good days.
Where are we going? Honestly I don't know,  we are still working on the,  just always have your camera, phone and pen and paper with you. Oh and please learn to pack your medication,  trust me on that.

Me at 43