A chip in the wall

I don't know how and to be honest I really don't care, I am just thankful that DHSS have paid me early and I can scrape together just enough to go to the environmental fair tomorrow.  It may sound a small thing to anyone else, but for me it's a very very big deal. I can continue to go to a local event I haven't missed since it started 25 years ago. For me, that's one heck of a boost, and maybe a bit more than that.

I am still face with what is normally 10 min walk round there, so that will be 30 Min's, and then I have to take it slowly round the actual event, which itself is a mix of music, food and local causes. I don;t have enough to do my usual level of support but enough for entry and a coffee, with £5 to do what I want with. So at least it is doable, and I get out of this prison of my home. I know its going to drive my family insane the speed I will hobble round there and they will probably spend forever worrying that I don't go flying on the rough ground, after all parks and crutches aren't meant to be together, add in the mix the odd fly dog and stray child and you see how this is going to be hard work, But hard work is better than boredom, believe me I have had enough of the latter.

To be truthful the hardest bit is going to be facing people, who may or may not heard whats happened. I know for a fact I am going to have to witness a variety of looks scaling from horror, going through to concern and the worse disbelieving and smugness. Yes I have lived hard between illnesses but that doesn't mean I brought this on myself and I wish those patronising judges would disappear. Trouble is they don't think, if I knew for certain what started this back condition it would help the doctors, but there are a few possibilities, although the physio as narrowed it to two original back traumas before my back had fully developed, one a case of child abuse at the hands of a teachers prejudice, the other an accident in my late teens due to shoddy workmanship. The later being the one I first received medical treatment for. But even since then I subjected to more torture in two car crunches and being thrown into a barrister coffee machine, so I suppose it was bound to happen some day that my back bite back. But as the list reads they were all accidents bar the 1st one which was pure malice and even then I couldn't do anything to stop them. Then who was to know I was going on to develop CRPS in my late 30s, so the compounded affects are what I am know. So give me where in that mix does anyone have the right to judge me? yet I bet tomorrow I will be many times over.

That bit will be the bit that hurts the most tomorrow, as it cuts deeper than the physical pain which is bad enough on its own. But I am going tomorrow come hell or high water and if I am slightly energetic tonight I will be the one with coloured hair extensions.. that will give them something to judge me for , but personally for me its the 1st swipe of the sledgehammer at the wall.