Feeling Like a prisoner

I know I should whine and such like, but these last few days have taken there toll on me mentally and physically and today I am at rock bottom. The real frustration of what I can and can't do has hit home and it is in direct conflict with what I want to do.

The final straw was being unable to make my own tea and toast as I have keep my weight on my crutches which rule out doing anything with my hands. That and the realisation for the 1st time ever I can't afford to go to my local environmental fair has totally demoralised me to the point I now feel like a prisoner in my own room. I am now totally reliant on some one to do the simple things for me not because I am unable to use my hands, but because they are already occupied holding me up. At near 40 years old it is hard to describe the frustration of being totally reliant on asking ones parent or husband just to get a cup of tea, because I can't even carry it from one room to another.

For the last hour I have spent the time just watching the TV and glancing outside at the world I am missing and the one time I have had planned to get out and see it, is no longer an option. I have to wait till Thursday now and the para Olympics before I will be back in the world. This feeling is made worse by the fact that rest of the household are currently at the allotment, something that I have already proved is beyond my capabilities. As the have been for the last few days and will be for the next few, as it is bramble clearing season, so for a few hours a day I am left alone feeling useless. I can't even do the laundry or something as simple as that, as every time i try to do something with out my sticks the pain is so sharp and acute I nearly black out or my legs give totally.

All this is made worse by the fact as I no longer able to work I don't have the money to do things I want to. The small amount the government gives me is so minimal it barely clears my bills and I am now leaning more and more on my mother on her fix pension to ensure I am feed. So the little outings I get are purely thanks to her or generosity of friends. I know the whole situation is made worse by the fact my husband seems to be unable to even get temp work at the moment. So not only do we have little money we are all getting on each others nerves as we can't do anything to get out of this situation unless he gains employment. But that's easier said than done, as we all know the job situation out there is bad.

I know I should be counting my blessings and not so macabre, but at the moment I am so low and generally fed up with the whole situation. Its hard enough for me to go and do the things I have to do like the doctors etc, but to then be told we can't do a majority of the fun stuff including  something that is an annual ritual. Basically all I can do is write on the PC, watch TV and stuff like that, and for me the boredom factor has kicked in long ago.

So I best go back to the TV and see if the brain cells can remember who did it in the episode of Morse I am half watching. Hopefully tomorrow my mood and the weather outside will be a bit more cheery, but for now the occasional thunder outside is about as predictable as the level of pain I am in. I know you all would like a more positive post in this blog, but even the most upbeat of sufferers have days like this, days when you are a prisoner of your illness.