Trying to chip away at the walls

I don't know whether its the pain that brings on the dark moods or the dark moods make the pain more acute. Either way I am suffering from both, and neither seems to have any plans to go away in the near future. I am not trying to sound morose, I am actually trying to put onto to page, the low points which most chronic illness sufferers hit a points and the kind of feelings going through their heads. It is more to help those who live or are around sufferers, so they can have an insight.

The last time I felt this hopeless was before the 2nd big operation I had for my Mastoiditus, when I was in my late teens. I had previously had one big operation about a year prior that was suppose to contain the condition. However it didn't at it left the surgeons with very few options. Mastoiditus is an aggressive infection in the ear that eat through the bone and cartilage in the ear, if not stopped it enters the blood lake between ear and brain and the patient dies the slow and painful death of septicaemia. So it is a serious illness and although you are in remission, you never totally are over it, a slight cold or ear/nose/throat infection can set it off again, hence it is classified as a chronic condition. Anyway I was saying, it was all those years ago when I went in for my big operation, the one where they removed all the infected material out of my ear, and basically removed my chances of being a professional musician with it, that I was last left with this feeling. Then I was trapped on a geriatric overflow ward as the ward I was scheduled to go onto had become infected with glandular fever. So where as last time I had been in with people my age and my visitors were more than welcome to stay longer and keep my spirits up, this time it was strict visiting hours and the voids in between. It was made worse by the fact I couldn't wear my glasses to read and on of the 3 other old dears in my ward would not allow me the TV on. The nights were haunted by another one of them screaming she was being murdered. Trust me after 3 days of that after an extensive ear operation I was ready to murder her. That was the last time I felt so helpless. I am not saying I have been ill or injured since, because trust me I have more times than I care to remember, But never have they been so long or so isolated.

So to the now, the reason I am so low is all those feelings of entrapment are back. I can't just get in the car a drive somewhere as I won't drive until I am told I can, and with funds no existent I can't do much. I am totally reliant on some one in my house to get me to the necessary appointments , so the rest of the time they have to get the household chores done in between all that, and cover all the jobs I used to. Take today for instant, most of the day has been sent by them doing the laundry, the allotment and remember to do meals and not to mention remembering to bring me the necessary drinks to take my medication with. They were so tired that since 9pm I have been left alone with my animals as they have gone to bed. So I am left alone with my thoughts and my medication. That's what is patterning my life my medication, and when to take it. Since my last post I took another look at some of my medications, and guess what one of them is know to cause depression and manic mood changes as its side effects. Am I glad the other one is also used as an antidepressant, or I dread to think what state I would be in. I guess if I don't do this checking and self analysis I wont find a way out.

It is going to take a lot to break down these walls of darkness, yes I have an outing on Thursday that's a big high, however at the moment it is filling me with dread, the fear of not being able to make it being the main reason. Its these kind of fears that are adding to the mortar of the walls. I just have to chip away at it. However the feeling of hopelessness and captivity are going to be harder to deal with. Because they are direct effects of the illnesses itself lack of movement and constant pain are very tiring and this becomes draining on the positivity I need. I realise I have not one day this week without being in instant pain. In some cases it takes over an hour to free up enough just to crawl up the stair on my hands and knees to the bathroom. On Friday the effort required to to the errands I had to left me drained to the point I have been exhausted since. Like I said the good days always come with the cost of a few duvet days. But when duvet days start feeling like a prison you know you are in a bad place mentally.

Now usually I rely on the Internet to life my thoughts and spirit, yet at the moment even that isn't working as there is so little positive going on. The only good thing is I have toughen up enough not to get drawn into the bad stuff. To the point I have had to turn the PC off several tines today and resorted to cartoons on TV to save my brain from more darkness. What you won't have realised is this blog entry has taken over three hours to type as the pain has blotted rational thought at times.

Some one once asked me how I life with these illnesses and pain, and to be honest it depends on when you ask me, On a good day easily is the answer, on in between days I just say I grit my teeth and don't give in. But on days beyond the duvet day, it is hard. Hard on me mentally and pain management way, but harder on those around me as nothing is going to appease me and it nothing you have or haven't done. It is because on those days its the illness or pain talking not the person. Its not that the person hates you or anything like that, it is rationality left the building along with gratitude when pains friend came to play. Pain and depression run hand in hand and fight them as much as you can they are going hi jacked random times of your life.

The only thing you can do as the patient is chip away at the walls they create and hope the walls fall easily, that is your main focal point, I just pray when I get through this wall the people who I have hurt and pushed away can understand that nothing is said personally.It is the only coping mechanisation I have left. Its my way of gathering strength, but also remember is its even harder to ask for help when the walls are stronger than originally though.