When it can only be a bad day

I admit I was in a less than happy mood all day, but I certainly did not deserve the activities in the last 2 hours. No one deserves it.

First of all husband dearest forgot to run to corner shop for milk etc before he decided to put every pair of trousers he owns in the washing machine. No big deal till we wanted a hot drink after dinner no milk ! So after much whining and yelling mum and I  did what is the usual 20 min round trip walk to the nearest petrol station. Well that was only going to end well, not. I not only took an hour to do it, twice on the walk we had to stop as I was in such pain muscles were spasming.

Anyway nearer 9pm we got our after dinner coffee (instead of 7.30). You would think it couldn't get worse, well welcome to my world. I have spasmed again whilst taking a step and successful fallen in such a fashion that if it was wasn't for the seriousness mum said it was worthy on 6.00 for technical merit. She is still trying to figure out how no bone is obviously broken as apparently I did a double twist , arch and landed on my futon bed with one leg at such an angle you think I would have at least broken it.

Unfortunately the pain is now showing up on every point of impact, and many other points besides. After checking I could walk as much as normal I am now banished to my bed on the instructions to stay put till morning and we will review which level of medical treatment it will require. Hopefully a GP visit will suffice although at the moment I have heard the words hospital being uttered as my neck is now showing signs of a whiplash injury. All this caused by a fall that a muscle spasm created and now my pain is not measurable by normally levels.

I just pray I can get some sleep to finish this day that has hardly been a highlight of my year. But seeing as laying down seems to be almost impossible at the moment I am not holding my breath. I can see what tomorrow will be filled with, repairing the damage of today.

Being crushed by a mile stone

Its becoming one of those days which I wish really never happened. Everything I try to do or achieve is just crumbling in my hands. The whole run up to my birthday has become a stream of disaster and failed plans and ideas.

A simple matter of ordering a birthday present has ended in dissapointment and tears thanks to the dishonesty of people meant who are meant to be trustworthy. The event planned has been cancelled due to lack of funds and mobility, and now the Saturday either side has become booked with things like MRI scans. So even a trip to the local pub with close friends has gone.

In the grand scheme of things I should man up and just forget about it. But I was hoping my 40th would be better than my 16th (mum recovering from serious operation) 18th (ear operation)  21st (see 18th) and 30th (glandular fever and uni commitments). In fact I have had a proper normal milestone birthday. Don't get me wrong I have had good birthdays, some of which have lasted a week, but never a proper milestone one.

I know friends have been bending over backwards to try and remendy the situation, but to me its so painful. Especially when you think in May we were planning a trip to the Ivy in London for it, and now that is such a distant possiabilty, the moon is nearer. By July that idea had gone along with most of my normal mobility.

If you think about it, although I have lived with chronic illness for all my adult life, it has been brief periods of my life that have been affected. 75% of the year I have had a reletive normal time of it. But in the last 18 months it has been nothing but a slow but constant degeneration. Over this time CRPS has weakened my physical gripping ability and now made a constant grumbling pain in my back compound into at times an agonising constant stabbing, that now limits my walking to that of someone twice my age. I have spent most of the last two to three months inclosed in a 12 x12 foot room, being alowed out for medical appointments and the odd trip here and there. Those trips requiring much planning and increased pain relief.

So now you see why I wanted my birthday to be a mile stone not just towards age but instead to my freedom. A big distraction to the scan a few days later and the results following. But that has all been stripped from me. To be perfectly honest I will be lucky to get a present a couple of cards and a decorated cupcake to look forward to. I needed the distraction more than anything as I am starting to get technicoloured nightmares of the scan results. A thing that has plagued me for a long time in my life. So badly in fact I can no longer sleep with out the tv on, and thats on a good day. Now I am getting the full on horror, where I wake up and can still remeber every conversation in such detail I am in danger of not knowing the reality from the dream. So yep I do really need the distraction, but I am having to face the reality that it isn't going to happen. Its now at a point of not enough time and resources to make it happen.

Yes I am depressed, and fed up and may be being a little self centred, but once it would be nice to have a mile stone to look forward to not crushed under.

When the ideal dress goes walkies

Like I said previously getting round clothes shopping is not really an easy or viable option for me at present. So I am reliant on the delivery services of on line shopping which in itself adds between £4 -£7 on every delivery.

With this in mind I often pay for next day delivery on an order containing several items to a keep the charges per item down and b ensure that some apart from me can take in the delivery. With this in mind I did those two dress orders mentioned in my blog the ideal dress. Well one of those deliveries was due to arrive yesterday anytime up till 8pm. So all day my husband hung around waiting to gather in the parcel, what a waste of time. This time like several others the parcels never appeared on the scheduled and paid for date. But what is worse I have had to wait till today to complain about it as the relevant department go home at 6pm.

One phone call later and to say I am furious is hardly touching it. My parcel has gone walkies, it left the depot on time and is gone poof . There are two courses of action, one wait for a week to see if it shows up and I get my delivery charge back, or re order the package, pay again for every thing and if the original shows up return on. I was going to go for the later until I was then informed that I can't re order two items in the parcel including the original dress as they have sold out. So I am now waiting to see if my entire order has disappeared, then I can put in a claim for the whole order to be removed from my account.

I am not happy because I had my heart set on that dress, and now I am reliant on the honesty of people for it to show up. The worse thing is this isn't the first time it has happened either parcels are often delayed and several items have been mislayed on route and I have had to re order bits. But this time there is no chance to re order so I have to go back to the drawing board and see if there is anything else I like in stock I can order.

To say I am in tears sounds like a bit over the top, until you put it into context. I can't just nip to the shops to choose another option, unlike most people. But what is worse is this was meant to be part of my very downsized 40th birthday as well. This was my mums birthday present for me, and it has infact been stolen or a best carelessly lost. All I have got in return is a half baked apology and told nothing can be done for a week, which means I won't recieve any replacement in time for my birthday or recieve the original choice.

I know most of you have suffered similar things one way or another but remeber the few of us who are reliant on these services to buy things like clothes, home linen even presents for others. Then lost in transist takes on a whole new meaning.

The Harvest season

It is that happy time of year called harvest. For any one who owns an alotment or small holding you will know it has not been the easiest of years here in Britain. Even still I think mum has turned our kitchen into some kind of production plant.

Not that I am complaining this is our harvest time when things get pickled, frozen jammed or preserved in many different ways. It is also the time we are sent usually to the big fruit and veg market to gather in everything we haven't grown enough of. Raspberry's in vinegar for sore throat, pear honey, pickled walnuts, you name it and I am sure it is heading into our cupboards. I swear it comes from having a parent brought up in the war, when food you grew had to bulk out the rations even during the winter. So every form of preserving possible is used. I swear there will be a kilner jar shortage in a glut year here, but not this year the weather has been against us from start to finish.

It isn't just fruits and vegetables that get the winter harvest treatment in this house. From now on its time to build up the stock for the winter and Christmas holiday. The extra box of candy or tub of biscuits makes it into the trolley every shop. Along with half a dozens cans of things like kidney beans and other pulses. Laugh as you may especially as we are hardly in the rural outposts, but guess who has never had a problem with the snow season. Especially now I am hardly up for the walk in snow to the shops for a loaf and milk, we have yeast flour and powdered milk in store. Along with a spare week of animal food.

It all sounds a little crazy and stuck in the 1940's but in our house it is an annual ritual, which has served us well over the years. In the next month we will hit the west country for proper cider and perry, not some of this glorified apple flavoured rubbish. This will be used in mulled drinks and  certain vegetable dishes through the winter months. There will be one other trip for dried fruit and pulses from a whole food shop along with TVP (textured vegetable proteins). Once this all done we are set for any occasion, from Halloween and Thanksgiving ( both important holidays for my American husband) to random visits whether they be people, weather or illness.

In the meantime I am enjoying the aromas coming from the kitchen, I believe by the scent we have vegetable stew and dumplings tonight. either that or its heading for the freezer, I can never tell. Me I am nusy writing out the list of stuff yet to be harvested and I believe by the state of the cook it will include brandy and or rum. Oh the joys of harvest.

The joys of a B movie

I must warn you I am a keen movie junkie and the only thing stops me from going to the cinema weekly or even monthly is the plain cost. I have to wait for dvd or tv release. That said I used to study media to a high level so  I learned the benifit of watching the unusal or different film. I am not really into art house movies, but I have aquired a taste for B horror movies both UK and USA versions. The old hammer horror and studio classics from the states like the The Fog and The Swarm.

After much deliberation I have realised why I like them so much and it has nothing to do with the wafer thin story lines and out dated special affects. Its because they have something lacking from modern films, a cast list that is unachievable nowadays.In the old days most actors where under contract to one film company or another and would be leased or sold to another, a bit like modern footballers but with a lesser pay cheque. What used to happen was if an actor was one short on his years contract number of films or they were trying to push a new actor into the limelight, they would be cast to make up numbers in these B rated films. For instance The Swarm bosts a cast including Henry Fonda, Michael Caine, Katherine Ross and Richard Chamberline, to some of my readers these names mean nothing, to those who were able to remeber back to the 60's and 70's you will understand the calibre of these names.

The same happened in England with the hammer horror films, and the competitiors it created. I have watched films with Peter Cushing along side Vincent Price or Christopher Lee, and then Tom Baker, with Anna Massey and Terry Thomas, again all well known British actors past and present. Some of the stories where very shallow, but the was often a little gem among them a story that is well thought out and could have made an A listed film.

What is more upsetting is the fact these kind of films can no longer be made, apart from the fact that we don't have a b reel film before the main show anymore, we no longer have the studio system in place. Just making a normal film cost tens of millions to make so there is little budget for smaller throw away films. Because A list actors command millions to make a film, something like the great disaster films of the 70's are just too expensive to cast with the same level of actors.

I am not saying actors are greedy or the studio system was perfect, but could there not be a happy medium. So we can get a variety of films rather than just the blockbusters. Star Wars was as near to perfect as you could get. It was made on a smaller budget than some of its conteptory films, by keeping the casting costs low and instead giving the actors percentage of the profits and merchadise. The actors at the time laughed about it thinking they were on minual wage, but they had the last laugh Star Wards was in the top 5 grossing till 2000 along with the 2 follow ups

We moan about the bonuses we give bankers, because it is probably the wrong pay insentive for that job, but for the film and probably tv industry I feel it would be a better pay system. Apart from keeping egos in check it would lower the production costs of some of these films opening up more room for smaller light hearted films to be made. I for one would enjoy the return of these mini classics and it would make me more inclined to go to the cinema is we got a double feature for our money.

We are in a time of recession, and history proves during those time cheap entertainment is popular. During WW2 it was the one of the peaks of the cinema, prior to films it was the old time variety and music hall. Yes we have DVDs and at times some quality tv, but it would be a good time to start this revival, if anyone is listening.

Approaching 40 not so good

Just looked at the date and realised that in 11 days its my birthday. So what you may think, but for me this year is a big deal I will be 40.

That to me is a very big deal, I will no longer be a 30 something, but instead a 40er , and to be honest I don't like it. I am already falling apart physically so I don't really need my age to highlight this. I am not the sex in the city kind of girl who can whine over coffee to her girlfriends about it. Instead I go very introvert about these matters, they will play on my mind and keep me for sleeping.

There is something maudlin about saying you are 40 like, admitting everything is down hill from here. I know life has change and people are now saying life beginnings at 40, but my family have several bad mile stones, 27, 41,66 are the biggies there are the ages we tend to die at and normally quite suddenly. Now I have cheated death in some big ways in my youth, unfortunately my cousin and half brother both failed at that mile stone. My Grandmother and an uncle both went at 41 and that's whats filling me with these horrid feelings of the fragility of mortality. The worse thing is I know I am not the only member in my family who has been through this and I doubt I will be the last, but as my own health is really unstable at the best of times I am at high risk from this and hitting this birthday is really scaring the hell out of me. Especially as my scan and all those results are now due within a month of this birthday.

There are many people telling me not to think on the negative, but its a question of genetics and to be perfectly honest I have inherited the worse ones from all sides of my family. I am the genetic accident that even 50 years ago wouldn't have made it past 7 and its something I have had to come to terms with. I am being made ill by the medicines keeping me alive and after a while I become intolerant to something I need to take. So I believe my fear is justified and its with that haunting dread I am approaching the next 11 days with trepidation. And for the next few months I have a feeling every test and its results are going to be a tense and highly strung event.

The ideal dress

Hands everyone who hates yet loves clothes shopping, come on folks I can't be alone. When you don't need anything there is always tons about but when you are given carte blanch to choose something or desperate for something new for event, nothing suits!

Well as my birthday is less than two weeks away, it happened I was told to order a dress as part of my present. Now I am not the girlest of people so dresses are always difficult to choose. Due to my unusual shape and height I have to be careful what I choose. Long length skirts have to be approached with caution and knee length looks horrid. So I am more likely to choose above the knee, which means being very careful I don't end up as mutton dressed as lamb.

So it has been on line searching for the last 24 hours to find the right kind of dress and suddenly there is nothing in allocated budget, the one I had wanted is sold out, now only available in black and I was told in no uncertain terms no more black. Anyway inspiration came at 2 this morning, trouble was in came in duplicate. There were two dresses different from anything I currently have in wardrobe. After much debate and price checking both are now on order, with the pretence which one doesn't suit goes back. But last time I did that I suddenly gained 3 dresses and 3 jackets so I don't hold my breath on the return of either.

I am lucky in many respects because I can order on line and take the time to be picky over what I want, but many people brave the stores and the wonderful torture chambers known as changing rooms. What its with those places, the stall are nearly always to small to swing a cat in let alone strip and change. Then there is the fact that the lighting and mirrors never resemble anything in real life. So then there is the alternative of dragging a friend round with you to give an honest opinion, but make sure you know the person well and your friendship is strong, other wise it could be another disaster or worse end of a friendship. I had one friend who I would trust with all fashion choices we used to pick out our choices be honest and nine times out of ten we would end up with each others choices. But those days are long gone especially as now less mobile caning the shopping centre is now the stuff of nightmares for me.

Anyway I am now awaiting the couriers to see what these items now look like in the clothe so to speak and will report back later when I have finally decided. Thats providing I don't go and have another look of course. What? I am a woman what do you expect?

Freedom

This is going to sound so odd to people with full movement in their legs but its worth a read and thought.

As planned we braved Ikea today and it was as hard as I expected even using every short cut there is in the store it was still an endless hop. By the end of the shop all I wanted was a coffee and a sit down. There was a minor problem with that, the coffee stop was still there, but they have removed all of the seating. There was nothing, not the stools round the tables nor the benches outside the store in the waiting zone. This is apparently because they now have a picnic area outside next to the playground. Wonderful and what are those with less walking ability meant to do ? Hop round the outside of the store to get to a bench? Ikea that is a monumental fail! You are showing no tolerance or assistance to the less abled.

Anyway once mum battled the shopping and the coffee back to the car she then announced we were heading off to ASDA next! For my sins I agreed despite being already sore for the IKEA hop. What I didn't plan on was the fun I was going to have going round ASDA. I was invited to use a mobility scooter they have in store and I found freedom! After a quick lesson in how to drive it I was away. By away I mean flying round the store 3 point turns and even a flying J turn, it was awesome, poor mum lost me twice. I couldn't believe how well I got on with it, I even invented a new game of customer skittles and sought revenge on all the times I was sent flying by creating as much chaos as possible. Needless to say mum tried to put a stop to it by dumping a load of shopping including eggs in my basket built in the front of the scooter.

I think I caused chaos to ASDA and I apologise to anyone I ran over,sent flying etc. Mum is sure the security cameras must have some interesting footage to watch as people dived into shelves as I went past at full speed, but for the first time in months I had freedom and fun with out having to wait for some one to drive me anywhere. Whats even better mum said we are going back in two weeks, brace yourself I am looking for a rematch.

The highlight of my anticipation

You know you are bored when you start the count down to a FB competition. Guess what that's what I am doing right at this minute and yes I am sad.

OK its for Kandee shoes something I can only dream of owning a pair, but hell it is worth entering if just to kill the boredom of evening TV. I know I won't win, I never do win these things unless you could a packet of Blackwell cakes. But its the instant adrenaline rush of attempting the almost impossible that I like. Its like the raffle at a church fete or one of those charity name the bears, you know your chances are so low you shouldn't hold your breath.

But needless to say I will be entering anyway, if just to get that rush. Sure I would love to be that person who wins every competition they enter, heck I would love to be the person who wins one in hundred entries, but I know that will never happen. In the mean time though I will enter, for to me its the safest form of gambling. You pay nothing out but get the same thrill as you would if you had just put £100 on red in roulette.

Is the right thing to do ? probably not. But does it give me a cheap kick and an hours amusement? yes and that's how I look at it. Its like playing an action game for me, as I am useless on the xbox unless its trivial pursuit, so I do it none the less.

Anyway I am back to clock watching, later on no doubt I'll be blogging about my failure, but for those few hours I will be having fun.

The great outdoors .. well tescos

I made it out between showers (a term I use very loosely today as it was more like mini monsoon). It was one of those rare occasions I don't cheat and do it all on line, and was I in for a shock. I was in the majority for a change at least 2 in every 3 people in there was on sticks or in a wheel chair.

Now that is hardly news but for my past experience in another local supermarket. The whole shop was a lot calmer and so much easier to do. Despite the wet weather there was no skidding or crashing in the aisles, in fact it was an altogether more pleasant experience. Except it was so tiring I could have done with the coffee stop half way round not at the end. I choose exactly the same time of day as my last venture into the great void of a supermarket, yet for some reason there was no hassle or aggression.

So I raise this question why do people alter their behaviour towards those less able depending on the shop they are in?  Are we not in the shops for the same reason, to peruse and purchase ? So why do they choose to ram and barge in one shop and not the other? I really would love to know what possesses these actions, in the mean time I am preparing myself for the long overdue visit to Ikea tomorrow.

Now for those who know Ikea is a shop it is a deadly place, as you always go in for one thing and come out with 10 or more including scented candles and a new picture. Let alone the rabbit warren they have a for a shop is less than easier to navigate on sticks. But tomorrow I will be brave and head there in hunt for a lamp. At least I know there is coffee stop half way round and at the end I get a donuts and coffee. Now although the shop isn't 100% user friendly at least it puts in pit stops. But I can kiss goodbye to a good hour +  of my life. I just pray it is as gentle as the Tescos shop today or I will need shin pads and Valium.

Those little pick me ups

You know when you are trying to kill time or lift your spirits, there is always that certain film or piece of music that lifts your spirits, makes you feel alive and so on. I don't know about you but depending on the situation depends what piece of music is played and my choices are plain weird even I will admit it.

For instance the jobs I have been successful in gaining have always involve me going to the interview listening to The Prodigy, don't ask I am still working that one out. Mainly because I don't really like that style of music and also because logic says that should make you aggressive. But it hasn't yet failed me so why chuck away a tried and tested routine.

Long journeys require a completely different style of music, predominately stuff like Girls Aloud and other mindless drivel, so I get the pop beat without having to think about anything other than road ahead. Walking however has to be high classical of orchestrated soundtracks so I forget about the exercises and become absorbed in the music. That logic got me round the London 10k years ago.

Writing on the other hand is the most critical because what I listen to becomes a quintessential part of the writing itself. If  I listen to Mozart's requiem or some Gothic style music my writing becomes very black and depressive, and if I listen to some bubblegum pop well the opposite happens and you read some light hearted piece. I used this technic to write all the plays that have been performed and it really works. I also did the same with studying for exams and the same results.

So what should I listen to  as a pick me up? Actually that's a very hard question as it has to be the opposite of the mood I am already in to get me to relax, today for instance I am not really in a dark place, but nor am I hyped, so I have gone backwards to go forward. I am listening to show tunes and other bits I used to sing. Its the only way to soothe my inner demons.

As you have guessed music is my big pick me up .. when did you last revisit yours?

Welcome the rain

Well that's what mum says regarding the erratic down pours we get in the south of England, but up north I am sure they are saying something very different. Have just watched the news I am so glad I live where I do.

Watching the pictures of railway lines and motorways become nothing more than man made rivers, and the previous smaller rivers becoming rushing torrents. It sounds like a country far away not just over 200 miles away in the north east of England. Towns that I have visited are now engulfed in water and can do nothing until it subsides. Then they will have the task of working out whats savable and what becomes landfill. How many memories and photos will be washed away along with the washing machine and TV? Its the human cost that has no viable worth because it is beyond measure. Sure the tumbler drier and carpets can be replaced, but the life of a family hamster, or a flock of sheep is more than that.

I don't know about global warming, the weather in Great Britain has been hardly that of a heat wave. Its more like too much rain at the wrong time of year. As a fan of out home grown crops I can tell you that the vegetable crop this year has been all but none existent, due to the drought in planting season and then rain at the wrong critical times. The onions rotted, beans got snail attacked and the roots were harder than the ground we dug to plant them. The only things that grew with any success were the weeds and a load of bird planted oats. So as we in the south are looking ahead to try and recover for the winter and next year crops, I feel sorry for those up north who have to wait to see if the water has left anything viable to plant seed on.

Its a strange world we live in, when I am now on the hunt for mature to be put on our allotment and up north they are waiting to see what rubbish has been washed into their homes and property.

Plans? what plans

This week is surprisingly empty in regards to appointments. It is that one week in the months diary that isn't filled with various hospital, physio and doctors appointments. The problem is there isn't anything else to fill it either.

I have a total week of nothing, empty, pure boredom. Checked the web and there is nothing on there I can do for little to nothing in expense. Checked the TV guide and that's even worse. The trouble it is all very well having endless time when there are no funds to amuse it. I have looked up a lot of things I want to do, but before we even get to fuel and food expenses admission for two is well over £20 and I can't justify that, just cos I am in affect bored.

Normal activities are no go, as I can neither dog walk nor dig an allotment for obvious reasons. So what can I do to fill the next few days before they waste away. I can't afford to get my paints in time to enjoy the sun outside. If I write much more I will suffered from writers block. I am totally at a loss.

So any ideas please post here before I give up and sleep the week away.

Gypsy

OK I am diving deep into my roots on more than one side, but the roots are there no matter how fine they are. But its an odd thing like my medical mash up my family tree is as full on contradictions.

I am a gypsy, I am a Churchill and I am a Puplette  and I am Antiss those are the important four as they are ones I most take after.

 I am like most other Churchill related to a blacksmith in Dorset, a small village called Churchill. So yea in principle I am from the same line as the Duke of Marlborough, and that means also a certain past prime minister, but it is so distant they would hardly invite me round for afternoon tea. But like a lot of the Churchill's from that line there is the curse known as the black dog that haunts my relatives. Its a form of depression/ bi polar  illness. Fortunately for me, it is very diluted in me, unfortunately for my mother it isn't. See to be a Churchill means to be cursed with that illness and a lot of us have dyslexia including the Sir himself. That's my Churchill heritage.

The Antiss side is the side that's ruthless and reckless, that's where I get my steely determination and quite possibly my "can party " gene. Its also where I get my writing gene from my grandma before me could write poetry of publishable level, but she had little faith in her ability so she destroyed it before she died. I have the talent, but I also have the insecurity, the difference is I received just enough praise to not go and destroy it.

The Puplette side is second favourite side, its the mysterious side. We can trace our direct line to a house round the corner in 1100s as they made the parish records. We also know the name means barrel chested and originated in the Basque area of france. But they didn't come over during the 1066 raids so they either wandered over the channel on their own or were brought over later. Either way there is an interesting blood line there and thank you all Puplettes I have the barrel chest.

The gypsy part is delibratly annoymous, mainly because although it isn't just one side of the family its the part I am most proud of , And I want to always hold something back. But wipe out the sterotypical ideas and look up true romany gypsys and you will find a very loyal and resourcful race, whose resillance to life and adversity I have gladly gained. I will also carry that part of my family history close to my heart.

People ask the dumbest things about being a Churchill and I just reply, I am just another gypsy. I love to confuse them.

Just another filling

So it was yet another patch up job on my teeth again. I am beginning to wonder how much more patching up can be done to my body. If I was a car I would surely be on the scrap heap with all the usable parts recycled.

I have torn just about every ligament in my feet and legs up to my knees possible, broken both wrists so the total is 7 times. Had inner and middle ear removal and some parts replaced. Fractured vertebrae in my back, broken numerous toes and fingers, over extended my shoulder muscles to the point one more time will equal surgery. Damaged done to my teeth from various medication is so bad I don't have one unrepaired or replace of the half remaining. Got hypoglycemia and low iron reserves that both run on a fine balancing acts, sticky blood syndrome and have enough allergies to list in their own book. If I was put up for sale no one would take a second look and if I were a pet I wouldn't be allowed to suffer any longer. 

So why as a human do I have this inexplicable drive to keep fighting to live. If we were the process of evolution as Darwin wrote, would I have not been driven out the pack to fade and die, or like other animals be either killed by my own tribe or a predator. I am not saying this in some morose and pessimistic fashion but as a debatable question. Animals don't fear death in the way we humans do, but I truly doubt that's because we have a higher level of consciousness. It that were the case we could have broken the language barriers between man and animal. Yet we read endless stories of dolphins defending man from other sea predators like sharks, why? what exactly have we done for them? except lock them in zoos to perform for us humans and depopulate them by our over fishing. So why in heavens name do they risk life and flipper for us? Based on that question I would say they have the higher consciousness as they are selfless.

Only in the last 15 years have we learned to adapt human medication to the animal kingdom with any great sucess, there are artifical limbs for cats and dogs and actually flippers and fins for dolphins. We have now got drugs for diabetes, and heart conditions for our loveable pets, and they can even do kidney transplants, although I am actually not sure about that idea.

In fact I am not entirly happy with transplants of any kind. And before every one goes mad at me please hear me out.I am not saying all transplants should be banned, but they should be personal choice, and come with a warning. The warning should read something like this, this transplant comes with no liability for any persona;ity change. I say this because I have had had skin and bone grafts from others and they did affect my personality ok mildly but there was a big enough change for people to notice. I can't have done it myself as it took 3 years for me to get the truth out of the doctors about the whole operation and no one knew I had a strangers graft. Now if that can happen on a a tissue graft what can a whole new organ do to a person? I know I won't donate organs purely because my own dna has been damaged and my gene pool is so weak I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So I don't see what I choose as a selfish act in fact the oposite as I am such a biological mess it would be wrong to mix it with someone else. That said there are people with strong genes who can with clear conciousness donate to those in need, and in those cases yes if you want to do it. But its not for me, in the same way I don't think I could accept an organ as I am robbing it from some one who will probably make better use to it.

In the same respect I am now getting very concerned about the amount of patch up work done on me. I am already agaist the idea of having a metal cage put in my spine if its a disc thats blown , purely because I am starting to react agaist the pins put in my teeth when I have a cap put in my mouth. That is a tiny pin to replace the nerve in my tooth root yet for days the iching is insane and it can flare up again at any time. If thats how my body is reacting to a small alien object in my mouth what the heck is going to be the outcome of a piece of metal the size of a golf ball in me?

So yes today I have had just another filling to everyone else and at least a night of itching and throbbing for me.

Fantasy Shopping

You know that game you play "If I won the lottery I would buy.." I have been playing all afternoon,but it starts "When I can get back to work" to which the household informed me it isn't a when but an if, which didn't help the mood but still I wrote out a list.

That was a wake up call, I wouldn't say I have expensive taste, but I certainly have quality tastes. The items on it aren't every day purchases but ones that would last for quite a while but its amazing how quickly you could go through some money. I'll give you a look at some of the list and the prices

Converse hi top      £55

Angel perfume        £40

Kandee shoes and matching bag   £250

See what I mean and thetas just a taster of things I would like and at present won't be getting. Then there is the stuff I would like to get to amuse my bored little mind.

Acrylic paint set and canvas £35

New books      £25

Two new DVDs  £28

Two new Cd's  £22

Since when has life got so expensive. And this list doesn't count the £10,000 of house hold repairs needed. I so need to be back at work and yet all I keep being told is there is no quick fix. On top of that I now have the DH SS asking how long I have had these conditions and how long do I think it will take to heal? I nearly told them to go look at some tarot cards as that's as good an answer as any I can give. But I wasn't that rude and pointed them in the direct of some experts who will probably tell them something similar but they will have letters after their name so it will be taken seriously.

So whilst the powers that be decided whether I should get money to prove I am ill, I am scheming ways of being able to afford something to amuse myself. In other words I am so bored its annoying. If I see another Jeremy Kyle or similar program I think my brain will tune to mush and leave through my ears.

It is hard when you are limited in movement to find things to do, as cooking is out until I buy my kitchen stool, walking is limited, that leaves the static arts. Painting involves materials and writing although is a good out let you need things to write about.

So for the moment I go back to my fantasy shopping list and praying it comes with the fairy godmother or Santa Claus.. maybe I had a few too many tablets today ?

Monday Morning Blues

Today is dank dark and dreary, welcome to Monday! I joined the millions of other people who have the Monday morning blues.

I knew it wasn't going to start well as I had a pre arranged dentist appointment, never the greatest way to start the day let alone the week. But it was worse my hips have decided not to work without causes immense pain that is causing much screaming and swearing. Finally I made it to the car wet and in pain, unable to take any pain relief as I have to take a light sedative to get to the dentist, many for the dentists sake as I suffer from dentist phobia and my jaw can lock mid treatment. That's has involved locked in a bite on a hand or just lock solid. Still one trip to dentist latter and one new filling installed in my mouth.

But the day doesn't get any better, the post arrives ! And yes there is my MRI scan date, a Saturday of all days, still its not my birthday so that is or rather was a relief. I read the safety check and fail on two questions so that involved a quick phone call to the hospital, well I thought it would be a quick yes or no, I should be so lucky. First of all they told me my tattoo may fade during the process and could affect the scan but they would still do the scan, then I mentioned my ear operations and full scale panic occurred. No one knows if they used metal in the surgery to reconstruct some of the middle ear, and here comes the clanger the MRI department aren't allowed to apply for my records for some red tape or another. The most they can do is contact some one in radiology for a suggestion. They aren't even allowed to call ENT for the answer.

It gets better the scan is on the 13th of October, and unless I receive a phone call between now and then I won't know anything. So I have to carry on as if the scan is going ahead, but be scared rigid if my mobile rings. Talk about stress, why can't this departments be allowed to talk to each other! Its bureaucracy gone crazy as they need to have this information. Whats worse is if I can't have a MRI scan we are stuffed as I am banned from any more xrays unless its a life or death situation as I have had way too many apparently.

So far this Monday morning has been hellish, think the rest of the day will be a duvet day due to the pain in my hips, an autumn cold and too much stress.

Snuffle season

There is no way to soft soap this, I officially have the autumn cold. I have all symptoms on the check list, temperature sore throat blocked nose you name it I have it. Except unlike everyone else who can reach for the cold and flu medicine, I can't. as they have ingredients in them that conflict with my other medicine

So armed with a man size box off tissues ( the 2nd of the day) I am raiding mums herbal medical cabinet. In there is a multitude of alternative remedies. Everything from cider vinegar and local honey, for stiff joints, to raspberry vinegar for sore throats. Tonight I think it will be lemon and ginger tea with a side of raspberry vinegar. Also on the menu will be Vick for my chest and Melissa cream for my sore nose. Not a usual list, but that's the way round becoming a chemistry experiment. Its odd really that in fact some of the old remedies are the best as there is little side affects to them, except maybe a heady aroma of various herbs and spices.

Along with that little revelation, is the fact there is a trend I have been noticing that seems to be over taking the nation. The return to cupcakes, afternoon tea and the such like. Just this afternoon I watched a program about cake creating which encouraged the use of rose petals and lavender in the cakes. Only recently I have tried my first lavender cupcake as we have a lavender farm not far from us. As I was dutifully informed it was a very popular flavour during the Elizabethan times, along with rose and violet. It was a rather heady experience eating one and I have to admit it is probably an acquired taste as its like eating an aroma if that makes sense. I certainly wasn't brave enough to try the lavender tea though, that is one step into the unknown I am not yet ready for.

That said it does raise questions, are the more natural ways of eating and medicating better for a least certain conditions. Like when I get low iron readings (by low I mean seriously low) I find increasing my fruit in take with my meals, adding more spinach and similar dark leaves to my diet and marmite, help just as fast as any of the iron tablets I have been given with less of a side affect. Coltsfoot rock is sold in the retro sweet shops is actually a good throat sweet for minor dry coughs and sore throats. The list continues, the truth is a our body processes the more natural sourced food quicker than the synthetic, well that's how it seems to work for me.

And on that cheerful note I am off to find the kettle of hot water to do a steam bath on my face and hope come the morning my ears stop feeling like the Thames is sloshing around in there, especially as I have the dentist 1st thing.

two rum coffees and a glass of wine

Oops I don't drink much any more, partly due to my medication and mainly because I don't want to. Surprisingly mainly because having worked in the alcohol trade on and off for 10 years I saw too many people and lives ruined by its affects. So I just make sure I only have enough to enjoy life and that's it.

That said with the sudden arrival of the cold weather the liquor laced coffees arrived and now as we sit to have dinner the wine is open,. Now I have a special wine glass for at home, it is a clay goblet that actually holds a lot less than you think as the clay is thick. Even with that small amount I am feeling the affects, just enough to know I had best not have any more. I have turned into such a lightweight regarding alcohol its embarrassing.

But it has left me with that warm glowing feeling you get after a good Christmas dinner, you know that feeling you get when you don't mind playing monopoly with that annoying cousin, whilst the older members fall asleep in their chairs pretending to be listening to the queens speech. That how I feel at the moment, even though my taste buds are so messed up by the cold on top of the medication meant the only thing that tasted edible was the red cabbage stewed with apple and onion. In fact that's all I ate as everything tasted wrong, not that I will starve. There is home made shortbread and cooked grapes if I get any appetite back.

However for now, I will skip the after dinner liqueur and opt for a mug of steaming sweet tea. Yep summer has gone, and the first of the winter colds is upon us, and I miserable? not really its less than a 100 days to Christmas and only 16 days till my birthday, some one better put the champagne on ice ( or just in the porch)

I can smell winter

Well actually I can't smell anything and resemble Rudolf the reindeer. No warning nothing just work up like it. That's before I looked out the winter and saw what looked like mid November outside. There is a wind bending the holly tree to unnatural angles, rain coming down so hard the road has its own stream and not a sight of our glorious sunshine. Yep summer has gone.

The only problem is it seems to have skipped most of autumn and picked it up near the end of autumn nearer winter. Up to an hour ago I was saying everyone in the house was mad saying the heating has to go on, but now my hands and feet are feeling chilled. So the rum has been brought out and poured liberally into coffee, that said any dark spirit would have done. Finally all the cats have worked out its is raining both out the back and front doors, and in Phoenix's case out of every window he can pry open, so they have given up and found places to sleep. The most bizarre and inconvenient the better apparently, but at least they are being quiet.

The problem is a I am an autumn person. I love the leaves turning to colours of burnt metals, and the earthy smell of mulch. The crunch of walking on the leaves in the early morning and thudding of nuts falling from the trees. Maybe its because I am an October baby, but these things hold a special place in my heart. The Halloween orange and yellow of pumpkins, then the sulphur smell of fireworks and bonfires on Firework night. Yet the weather outside seems to have skipped all that and fast tracked to the end of this season with the chill of the foreboding winter,
         
So tonight at least its duvet, rum based coffee and fluffy pj's, and hopefully the season will sort itself out quicker than I can find my ski jacket and snow boots.

10 years on

I am sitting alone on a Saturday night and it got me thinking what did I used to do. Well ten years ago I was rarely in on a Saturday night or any other night for that matter. If it wasn't Karaoke or pub quizzing it was shuttling my then flat mate to his DJ gigs. Hasn't life changed?

In fact changed isn' t the description it is totally unrecognisable now. I barely drink, can't remember the last time I went out to a night club. Let alone got drunk and danced into the early hours of dawn. I couldn't physically do it to be truthful. I certainly couldn't do it in the shoes I used to wear, and I think if I tried to pull some of the dance moves I used to I would end up in hospital. In a way its quite depressing because I had a very full life with non stop activity, that on it is own meant I was skinnier and happier.

Yes I was still ill then, but I was stable enough to bounce back with ease. I had just had ear operation but with in 2 weeks I went back to work stitches still in my ear. Now I can't even work despite being mentally able to, because I am a health and safety risk on crutches, and I can't even carry my own coffee to my desk. Yet I still have to prove this fact to the welfare office as they think I can. Life was easier then, but then I was ten years younger.

They say youth is wasted on the young, I wouldn't be that harsh because at near 40 I am only recently feeling my age. I was able to be young for longer than most, but now it hurts more because I am not really getting to enjoy mid life. Instead I have jumped from youth to old age and nothing in between.  At times I move slower and less steady than some one twice my age. I bruise like I am made of china and the snaps and cracks of my joints wouldn't be misplaced in a slasher horror picture. Its made harder by the fact that all this stated 10 months ago and has progressively got worse.

When you think even 3 years ago I could get away with little to no sleep at events, now that idea is impossible, although when I sleep is up for debate. I could drink and not worry about being drunk, now I can barely do a couple of drinks on my medication. Its not a gradually intolerance to everything in my life so much as this sudden flare up has caused an entire lifestyle change. It is on par with walking into the GPs one day and being told everything you use to do is no more. Not just give up this and this, everything, everything you do, what you eat and what you do.

This isn't a whine or a moan but more a reflection on what has changed in the last year, and the answer is almost everything. That's the hard part of getting old.-

Success with an ouch

I woke this morning to the thought that there was little to do today. Then I read my twitter messages and life got busy.

First of all there was a trip to the church as it was the final coffee morning of our centenary and we were lucky enough to have a person from MERU join us. All year we had been fund raising for the charity and today we passed them a cheque from our efforts. It was nice to here what our money would be put to use to from small aids to help teens dress themselves to the basic bugzy for a child to have free mobility as a youngest. We also had the prize giving for a poetry competition and that was emotional listening to the winning poem of living through the blitz locally.

Plenty of people came to see how I was doing and were surprised to hear how complex the form filling and medical process was that I was battling through. To be frank it did become a little repetitive for me, but it was a shock for them to hear how difficult the whole situation is for my family and I. I lasted nearly two hours before I needed to go home which was pretty good, especially as when we got there I found I had left all my painkillers at home.

Once fed and watered I decided to make the most of the Open House event in the London area. As we have a lot of local historic sites I thought I would drag husband dearest to the two closest to home. Am I mad? Not only did that involve steep hill hopping both ways I forgot the narrow step stair cases in both places. Never mind with whining and bored husband I went round the local museum and the historic water tower with sunken bath.and enjoyed every minute of it.

That said I didn't enjoy the hop up the steep hill called my road to return home and now everything from waist down is throbbing. Do I regret any of it? nope except next time I will take my pain killers with me. It was the chance to get round places free of charge and with limited opening hours. Am I now tired out? Well yes but don't let on to my husband or I will never hear the end of it.

Biscuit?

I have just been attacked in my own home, the culprit is large, male white and red haired and goes by the name of Garfield. Yes I have just been beaten up by a cat! How embarrassing is that? Mind you he does live up to his name. He choose it after all as he refused to answer to the name Mau that he was originally given.

To be honest Garfield is a silent entity. For the first few years we had him he barely uttered a meow. Now he is older he doesn't shut up, in fact since he was nursed through the unknown virus that hit him badly last year he does nothing but boss. This evening was the perfect example, I went to the bathroom to do my teeth and its a constant meow, he wouldn't shut up then the paws were put to use. Now imagine the picture person cleaning teeth cat taking pot shots whilst standing on the sink. It wasn't a pleasant sight and involved a tooth brush rammed into my jaw thanks to a very accurate punch. Now I had to stop and sort out the cat. But what did he want?

first of all it was ear scratch, fair enough and easily solved. Then it was full stroke, again easily rectified, then it was a proper cuddle. Tooth brush out of mouth I pick up the demanding moggy, who may I point out never wanted to be picked up till the last year and weighs as much as his namesake. Once cuddle was complete I quickly finished my teeth, but Garfield was off on once again. Now I am concerned as this is unusual so I give him a through once over for obvious injury etc, nothing and now he has got his claws out.

This riddle wasn't solved till I left the bath room and nearly stacked it over a couple of his partners in crime. Right by they food bowls, they all wanted biscuits. So I filled their bowls and hobbled out of the danger zone, leaving happy purring cats. That was 30 minutes ago and as I am typing this up with plasters on several parts of my hands I have just heard a repeat performance happen in the bath time. This time Garfield beat up mum for biscuits, guess autumn is upon us, the cats are hungry and demanding. I had better get to bed quickly before their work out my duvet is out and there is space under it. I don't mind them on the bed its when they dream about biscuits and chew my toes in their sleep.

Luck favours the selfless

I don't quiet understand this but its a life lesson worth learning. By letting go of what you want and doing something for others seems to work far better. Today it has happened twice over.

A while back I got free tickets for today to a theme park, and with all the will in the world it became very obvious it was impossible for me to go. Even just hopping around watching my husband enjoy the rides would have slowed him down and ruined his enjoyment. So last week I made the decision to give him both tickets and take a friend. Result being he has come home a very happy and relaxed human. Something he hasn't been for a long time, he got to enjoy the thrills of the rides that even if I was well would scare me into oblivion. Am I jealous, yes I was this morning when he left and then mum went out, so I was on my own, but now after this evening when there has been no rows or tension, no.  It was like a different person coming home so it was the right thing to do.

To kill the immense boredom I suffer when I can't move, I enter competitions. Today like others I have entered a few. One was to win something for a friend, and fingers crossed she does win as she has been the best friend recently and another was a flash competition for a pair of luxury shoes. Now I have another friend who had a rotten day today and she just loves these shoes probably more than I do so I made sure I told her the competition was about happen. What happened next was unbelievable she won and it totally made her night. She gets to choose a pair from the collection I know she loves.

So although today luck hasn't looked kindly on me, it has on those around me. I haven't won anything but I have managed to help improve others days, which is a better prize. I have a love hate relationship with luck, it rarely looks kindly on me when I try to win something for me, but when its for those around me it seems to always work. I guess the answer is there in the riddle, stop being so materialistic and focus on what good I can do for others. I need to look at competitions as nothing more than time killers, and enter the ones others will benefit from as they are the ones worth winning.

Things that make me go grrrr

I have braved the supermarket and boy do I not want to risk that again. To think I turned down a day at Thorpe Park where I think I would have been safer. Stuff running the risk of shattering my back or blowing me ear drum at least I would have walked out alive.

Let me explain and yes health safety please read this! Supermarkets have slippy floors at the best of times, they are meant for ease of trolleys and wheelchairs, well put in the mix natural dampness of the British weather and having to use crutches and I was like a duck on ice. But that wasn't the major issue it was the people in the store and particularly the blue rinse brigade. I am not meaning the frailer members of society, but the pensioners who are so caught up in being active and socially engaged. They are worse than the mothers with children in supermarkets as their attitude is everyone can work round them. I struggle to get round a store as it is and the first incident was the fact I had for want of a better way of putting it parked at the end of an aisle our of harms way whilst mum battled through the gossipping in the aisle. What happens but two sets of  blue rinse demand I move so they can go through 4 a breast, yea right 1 person on crutches moving one trolley that can only go well! Once rescued we moved to where the the vegetables are, and that's where it turned from shopping trip to blood sport. There is a natural bottle neck between deli, chilled and veg, and at the best of times its hard to navigate. So would some one please then tell me why people think its OK to just suddenly stop and chat and block the way through for everyone around them and then when I ask and note POLITELY  if I could get through it is received by tutting and dirty looks and one swinging their trolley so it took out one of my crutches.

I am not some sub human, nor am I disrespectful to my elders, but I do object to the lack of manners from certain people in my local community. It isn't limited to the local blue rinse brigade either. Pupils of a very local church school are notorious for hogging the entire pavement and forcing people like myself on to the road rather than stop sharing their ipods as their walk down the pavement at least two abreast. Yes I am fed up with this general selfish attitude. I am sick of coming home in more pain than I left do to the selfish actions of others and whats more infuriating is I was brought up to be the complete opposite. If I had dared to be such a selfish school child I would have been in for so such a verbal dressing down I wouldn't have dared do it again.

So as I apply heat packs on sore muscles and ice packs on the bruises on my leg I sign of for now going ggggrrrr!

Finally sanity restored

Thank goodness for that everyone bar me has exhausted themselves, human, canine and feline alike are in the land of nod. For once I can't say I am not grateful.

Its been a long day with everyone not necessarily getting on each others nerves as much as getting on mine. Whether it be for the fact I am tired and sore from the previous days activities or just the obvious change of season I don't know and truly don't care, but I am relived I am sitting typing in the near quiet of the night. The noise of the TV and occasional thump of a dreaming cat are my only company and finally I can get my head round the chaos of the day. Although to be perfectly frank things haven't changed.

I am still waiting for another call from the hospital sorting out my appointments and so on, and I am still facing filling in that daft form with only half the information as the tests won't be complete till weeks after the date it is required in. Seriously I really wish department of the DH SS would talk to each other and better still listen to what the over worked specialists of the NHS tell them. It would take massive amounts of stress of those who are genuinely ill and safe the entire welfare budget millions I imagine. Money that seriously could be spent on far more important things.

Having read endless articles on how the disabled and long term sick have to fight to get even acceptance of their illness, I have now become one of these statistics and trust me it sucks. Bur that's the reality I face with many others, making sure I fight to prove the reality of the illness. I unfortunately have been blessed with two highly suspected illnesses. Back injuries are the notorious ground which people in the past have abused the system with and CRPS is so much an unknown entity that anyone who isn't up to date on the research is going to be completely lost. So fight I will if nothing else to ease the way for those who come after me with them.

In the mean time I am enjoying the peace and quiet of a sleeping house and trying not to disturb it with the whimpers and screams every spasm is trying to create. Instead I am trying to work out the logic of my free view box and why when I re tune it the first channels it chooses to find are the adult channels that are never used in this house. That's one of the modern world conundrums why there are so many assumptions and we choose to accept them. Why do we accept every one elses opinion on matters of state and welfare, why do we not question the wonderful governments mistreatment of the sick and elderly, why do we not revolt like we would have 100 years ago? Yes my sanity is restored I am now planning my next personal revolution, to prove that CRPS and Chronic back pain are not in a persons head but real illnesses.

Walkies... at snail pace

According to pain clinic (of whom I am still not convinced they are listening) I have to try to do the stuff I used to. So yesterday I attempted a walk to my local shops, with mum flaking me. Normally the round trip including shopping would take me 20 to 30 Min's, yesterdays time 2 and a bit hours I kid you not.

To me that time was horrifying as I used to just dash round and get jobs done while others thought about it. Yesterday I had to have a break half way there, and a full blown rest in a cafe before I could think about making my way back. It is heart breaking for me as I am notorious for keeping going when others drop and now I am doing an impersonation of some elderly person worn out by life. I couldn't believe how hard some that was so simple had become.

Also I am so glad I didn't have to explain the levels of pain and the different types I encountered during that walk, from the sharps acute shooting pain to the sheer exhausting aches of trying to persuade my thighs to even move.The easiest way to explain it all is if you have ever been to the gym on a mission and pushed it too far and you go through the wall and mix that with the worse pain if you injury yourself,  I had both of that going on at the same time. But the problem was it wasn't just one place or another it was constantly in my back and then the other pains kept occurring and disappearing all over my hips legs and anywhere else below the waist. Then there was the small matter of the pain and effort of lifting myself with the crutches.

All in all the walk was an experience no sane person would want to repeat. Well I never said I was sane did I and the plan is to do it again either tomorrow or Saturday, so I can have some mobility for future outings. That said my backside and legs are not thanking me today. The whole day has been most uncomfortable as the spasms keep shooting all over the place. But there is no way forward with out some pain. The problem for everyone is working out which is back issue pain and what is CRPS pain.

This is important as I can manage the CRPS and chronic pain to a degree, but the other pain is the part the doctors need to focus on correcting as that is what the crippling issue is. Don't get me wrong CRPS is crippling, but as a whole incurable, so its a question of adapting round that, but the back issue has a possibility of being treated if not cured which at least will reduced the amount of pain signals to my poor brain which is currently overloaded with pain signals. There is also the danger of overloading my body with pain blockers as these have other affects on me. Making me think I can do more faster than I really can, and then I pay for days after, and in my case killing any interest in food and I mean any interest. I have been known to go all day not eating at all on them which isn't healthy for anyone.

So anyway I made it, I went walkies, but I am sure there was a snail overtaking me at one point.

It is going to be one of those days

Wonderful the post has arrived and I so wish it hadn't. All of it was for me and most of it is causing issues. First of all there is a letter to say I have been received at the MRI department and I will know in two weeks when my appointment day is. That is the start of the chaos.

The next envelope held pure conflict it is a date for pain clinic with the note saying non attendance will resort in me being discharged back to mt GP. The problem is I am not meant to go back to pain clinic till two weeks after I have had my MRI.. Now unless some one in Sutton hospital has a psychic link with the appointments department of the MRI and know what date I am going to get my MRI and better still which of three hospitals it could be at, this appointment is pointless. So I try to phone the pain clinic who according to their answerphone are there Tuesday to Friday between 8-4, so I phone today a Thursday at 11am. No one there just an answerphone claiming they are out of the office and will attempt to contact me with in 24 hours.

As I am typing this blog, I have just received a call from the pain clinic saying I should have my MRI date by now hence the appointment in 6 weeks, and could I phone the hospital listed on the letter from MRI. When I pointed out the letter I received isn't dated and lists two hospital trusts they ended up as confused as I am because according to the letter I will receive my date with in 2 weeks which takes us to the 1st of October. Then by their own words the appointment could be any thing up to a month which is the whole of  October so how the heck am I meant to be at pain clinic on the 29th and my MRI results there at the same time. Especially as there has to be a two week gap between MRI and appointment whilst my results take the scenic route between hospitals. If you aren't confused you soon will be.

The last brown envelop contained the dreaded pre medical form from my ESA benefit. You see after 13 weeks they have the right to send you to a medical to see if you are making it all up. The form is totally irrelevant to my illness in 50% of it and the other 50% doesn't even cover half the problems so I can bet I will have to go to the medical to show them for myself. Now here is the fun part I have to list all medical appointments I have in the next 8 weeks so that they can book round it . If I don't list a date and I get my medical on that date apparently the welfare appointment supersedes the hospital one and I have to change the later. On top of that on the declaration of the form I have to agree to the fact that the welfare doctor can contact my specialists and GPs and tell them their findings and if necessary tell them to stop signing me off sick as I can work. Now call me suspicious but how can a doctor with no back or physio specialism dictate to a specialist in this matter, but reading reports and looking at me once. That's providing I can get up the stairs to the office of course.

Stressed doesn't even cover it at the moment, I am surrounded by paperwork that is conflicting with each other and forms that are as relevant to me as arm bands on the Titanic. I am sorry but this is ridiclous and I have yet another medical to get through yet. The health system and welfare state are meant to fix you and get you back out in the working world if possiable, not drive you into a nervous breakdown.

Tomorrow I think Rocky can destroy the post.

Its raining cats and dogs

Well in my house it would hardly be raining men, I know bad pun, put it down to not enough coffee yet. But this is entirely based on a question asked to a celebrity yesterday "Do you prefer cats or dogs?" It was his answer that raised the eyebrows he said he like both but then asked if that is allowed. As I have I said in many blogs I an owner of both and sometimes that's a juggling act, because of jealousy between the species.

Take the overnight situation, up to a couple of weeks ago the dogs were with me in my room, whilst the cats roamed the house in the knowledge they were canine free. Well come the 1st falling leaf of autumn and boy do things change. Phoenix who hates being mauled decided mums bed is the best place to sleep. Not on in mind down one side with duvet rations. Not so much of a problem as Rodie prefers the arm chair anyway so no big debate there until last night when Rosie found Jaffa was there already and he had brought a friend in the shape of Branston. So she stormed out the room in a classic pout. Only to sneak in 10 mins later and find her way onto my pillow. That was a pleasant surprise for me when I rolled over and came face to face with a terrier. The night didn't improve either, we don't mention the room redesign Phoenix decided to do at 5am, or the fact that hubby had a temp job this morning and woke every one at 6am.

Its now just gone midday and a few of us feel like we hadn't slept much. So as I tried to lie down and rest I found both dogs have had the same idea and beaten me to it. As a rule the animals get on bar the odd day of bad temper or not feeling great. But the classic example of the difference between them is the fact if you pop to the shops the dogs great your return as if you have been gone for hours, its all wagging tails and barks, and the token bear brought to you, with cat they may look up but as whole they are totally unaffected by your return. Their appreciation is shown in more subtle and genteel fashions. A dog loves been informed they are good and constantly seem to need praise, where as a cat knows he is right even when he has just brought down the Christmas tree or ripped the wallpaper off the wall. So it depends on what suits the persons as to whether you are a cat or a dog person. Predominately I have always been a cat person I have had to learn how to be a dog person if that makes sense. I have had to be schooled in how to be a dog person, where as I never had to learn how to be a cat person, it came naturally.

So that is really the answer I guess, a person can in essence be either a cat or dog person, as well as be both. It all comes down to the fact are you prepared to learn new skills. If no difference from learning to be a parent, to which you can't say you parent girls better than boys. Its a case of learning to adapt and understanding the one in front of you. On that happy not I am off to extract the Cheyenne who is swinging of my leather jacket.. its going to be one of  those days.

I am who I am not a copy

I guess although I am a child of the 70's and 80's I am historically misplaced. My roots lie in times past, and I am always uncomfortable in the present. A weird statement to make I know, but those who know me will understand. Even when I was little my family always said I looked like past members of my family, and yes there are similarities that I can never shake, but it cuts deeper than the physical.

You know that nasty little tingle you get and put down to de ja voi, a conversation that seems to be a repeat, or a familiar place you have never been to. Try living a life when those rare occurrences are daily. I have tried to balance these things with faith and science and can never come out with an explainable answer. The only thing I will say is I have become a great believer of genetic memory, with out sounding like a loon its the most relevant answer I can use. Some one said a near death can trigger an unknown in a person, and trust me I have been on one or two of those rides in my life so that could explain it.but for the fact it was happening a long time before I ever flat lined.

Anyway this isn't going to be a great in depth debate of the here after or whether there are such things as the super natural. I am more interested in the fact we could all use a dip in the waters of our past. especially with things like music to bring us to a place we had forgotten. Or in my case a time we never were.I am listening to music written before my first breath and finding its simplicity overwhelming. I can go to that safe place mentally where every thing is calm and pleasant, its like a mental chill out with out the whale sounds and weird lighting. More interesting is the fact that I have been told several times I am not suitable for hypnosis's yet I seem to be able to put myself in that tranquil mental place. Its the same thing when I start writing, I could go on for hours if I allowed myself to. The joke in this house is if  everyone has a novel in them like the saying goes, I would have the complete version of war and piece and  Milton's Paradise Lost in me. I guess that's why I finally got into this bloggin art. It was a way for me to reach others through my writing.

So why is this such a fond memory, it's easy when ever things got too hard going for me I dissolved into music and writing rather than the real world.  During the height of my ear operations of my teens I wrote the best part of 10 poetry columns. Some now written of as teenage scribbles, but others had an adult maturity beyond my age of the time. Even in my 30's I could write out a play in the space of a two weeks if I put the right music in my ears and head down to work. It used be a week of pure concentration, in the middle of meals I would be writing on the scrap of paper beside me or seeing the dawn in having typed none stop and living on coffee and cigarettes. I have said in the past I am child of the wrong age, but I am also a contradiction having proving I have encompassed post modernity in a fashion ahead of my years. I used to love winding up teachers by listening to headphones, writing something completely irrelevant to the lesson and then when they tried to make a fool out of me, I could repeat every word of the lesson back to them with my own opinion added.

Its these memories that make me smile the most, from a young age I have known I am a contradiction and as I got older I have also proved in some respects medically an impossibility. Yet I am still here despite most doctors saying I wouldn't make 30 and most teachers wishing I would make their class.  I am only showing my real age now thanks to medically having issues that stop me living and repairing the way I used to.  But give me a year and that may resolve itself, if I can deal with some vanity issues. Its odd as a youngster I was always told I was a adult in a child's body, now I am in that adult body I can still remember the youth and play on it. Youth is supposed to be wasted on the young, and in the modern world it is as we let our children take on adulthood before they are ready, I was the odd one out in my age range, if I was a child now I would have been less obvious. But whether I am the exception or part of the masses, there is one thing I try to install into the youth I affect and that is the lesson I learnt young. I am who I am, and don't let anyone take that away from you, be a person not a plastic replica of someone else. If you want to write, do so and if like some of my family do snow board and other extreme sports, do it. Just don't copy be an original.

Time to check my ego

Not quite as radical as you may think but as my land mark birthday rolls ever closer I am trying to get my requests into check. Some things are now irrelevant to my life and others near impossible. Suddenly getting to 40 isn't so much a milestone as a teardrop in a waterfall.

In reality I do have a cosmopolitan taste in material purchases, most of which don't even have viability in my current financial state. My love of converse trainers is legendary, as in leather jackets and I have just found the most amazing website for them called Bold Leathers. These along with my taste for Kandee boots are all a little out of my range this year for present requests. And like I said in an earlier post I have a friend who has found the best birthday surprise for me so I am not so wanting.

That said I am still steering family and friends to a Face Book page for my me to you fix Dawns Tailored Page has been a diamond find for a bear junkie like me, and now I can go as far as saying I have made a friend from a professional relationship. The owner of the page has taken time to get to know me, chat to me on line when I am having a duvet day and play endless days of scrabble on line with me to save my brain from rot. In return I have been able to use my sales experience to help her and advise her with marketing. This has become a great friendship, created from one person taking time with her customers to make them feel human. So if anyone has asked what do I want for my birthday they are being sent there.

Don't get me wrong if a fairy godmother said I could restock my wardrobe with Kandee Converse and Bold leather, along with a few other things, I would jump at it. But my ego and material wants have been brought into check this year. I have lost my financial Independence and security due to not being able to work and suddenly things I would have just gone and got are now not an option. So why should I have the nerve to ask others for them. Instead I have learnt to value the non monetary things like friendship and conversation, anything else is an added bonus. Having spent days at home only speaking to the family within the house, you see the privilege of having friends who will take time out of their busy lives to spend time with you, take you out, and so on.

Maybe I had been too materialistic in my life, although I was never the person with the newest phone,ipod etc. I just like what i like. Say with trainers my feet just suit converse or nike. I have tried others over the years and pound for pound its always worked out cheaper for me to buy those brands and wear them to death, and I mean death. Normally the trainers walk themselves to the bin and commit suicide.But that is usually after a couple of years hard wear. I don't or rather didn't just go and buy the latest style or design but replaced as per necessity. Now I am limited on funds they have to be really dead for me to replace them and involve saving for them. Its a big ego check to think do I fancy something or do I really need it.

We all know we have that dream if we in the lottery, mine is now if I get a job I will get .. and then there is a list of wants. Although even that starts with take friends to an event as my treat. Maybe I am getting old, or maybe I am being realistic. Most of all I have control of my ego.

On a lighter note

By contrast there are some people on this earth who will bend the law of physics and sense to help their friends. I am lucky I have found I have a few of them recently. From getting me out and about, to making sure when I am them I am not at risk of hurting myself further in the crowds. There are others that will play endless games of scrabble on line with me to kill the boredom and pain on the duvet days.

I have heard a lot of rubbish spouted about the social networks recently, but I will let you into a secret. I have made as many real life friends via them, than I have in the real world on its own. I have a handful of really close friends and a further circle of normal friends. Of them some I have known pretty much all my life and may as well be family, and the rest is a mixture of people I met in cyber and people I met in person first. You know what It has made absolutely no difference to the quality of friendship I have with the person as to where I met them.

Anyway back to my friends, this has been lets just say a rapid roller coaster this week to say the least, I have had the highs of Saturday and then the crashing lows of Monday. The fact I have had to give up on the idea of going to Fridays trip to a theme park didn't help today's lousy mood along with a few other ideas looking squashed. That's when a friend stepped in and made the impossible very possible, and for that I can't thank her enough, and suddenly things turned around. No I am not off to the theme park, but that's not such a big thing, to be honest I only like 3 rides and I am not allowed on them anyway. So the evening ends up as a happy one, sans the dog not likeing the trip to vet to check his paw and most of the town hearing his barking, but you can't win them all I guess.

And the circus continues

OK I accept that there are people in the world who would do anything not to work and bleed our country dry. Personally I would much rather be out at work earning my own money and being able to live the life I am used to. However at the moment I have no choice and I have to live by the rules of this wonderful welfare state.

So imagine my joy this morning when dropping my sick certificate in to said offices to be advised that I will probably have to have a medical to confirm I am sick. Wonderful! even more joyous is the fact that the other benefit I am claiming also demands a probable medical. Now hear me out on this two benefits one welfare office  surely they could do just the one medical if they really don't believe, a doctor and physio and a pain consultant. I mean you have to be pretty clever to convince 3 different specialists of your condition and maintain the same injury for Er 22 years. But what gets me the most is the fact they need to separate medical to prove this fact one for benefit to say I am unfit to work until its sorted and one to prove I am ill in the 1st place. Call me thick, but I see this as a massive waste of time, money and resources to duplicate the same procedure for a different piece of paperwork regarding the same matter. Either I am ill enough to gain the benefit or not. Its not as if I am asking for the world just enough to scrape by and contribute to the petrol and parking bill my mother is occurring due to my endless hospital, doctor and dentist visits. And yes dentist is a direct result of my illness as it has stripped the enamel on my teeth. As most of my friends will tell you I have the ability to break a tooth at the most inconvenient of moments, normally when I am out, abroad, on Christmas day you name it, I have done it. I am missing many teeth as they just crumbled away and half of what is left is plastic.

I know technically I get free dental at present, but they don't replace a plate where the teeth are missing and thank you illness I have managed to change the jaw shape so my old set don't even resemble the shape of my mouth now. But no I have to find the £200 for that. How people get rich on benefit I will never know I can't even break even by being good and playing it by the rules. I know welfare isn't meant to be comfortable to live on, but surely it should cover the day to day costs so a person can get better so they can return to work. Heck I have worked since I was 15 years old and paid in every penny I am meant to and I am being treated worse than some one new to the country. Explain to me how this is fair. I don't begrudge the old and the ill getting help to live they have usually paid into the system all their viable working lives. I object in being treated like I am lying till proven otherwise, that I am putting myself through this for the fun of not wanting to work. Trust me I am not I would rather be out there making more money in a week than I can get for a month of the system, and having the pride of earning it to boot.

Talk about circus trust me the logic we use to run this countries welfare is lower than circus clowns.

Oh what a circus

I wish I could sing that line the way it is in Evita, but today my circus involves the NHS and my back condition. The day was already blacklisted in my house as it involved hospital visits for both me and hubby dearest in different times at different hospitals along with me also needing to see my poor GP. So to say we have been chasing tails is an understatement.

Pain Clinic was an unknown entity for me, and on arrival it had the atmosphere of a morgue, no one but staff and long waits in silence. Finally I hobbled over to the room, a rather stressed mother following. The consultant was OK enough, not nice enough to scream his praises, but then I am cynical in these matters. After a 20 minute sessions of what am I taking, whats the pain like etc and etc, the out come is "we can't do a thing till you have an MRI". oh joys even after pushing I couldn't get a straight answer as to how long that will take. So I tried the other tack, what are you going to do about the pain, answer nothing till we get the results. So needless to say I left in tears of frustration and waited till the afternoon and some sense from GP.

By the time my poor GP got hold of me I was doing a very good impression of a petulant child, and not really in the mood for talking. He confirmed my suspicions that to get an MRI in less than 6 weeks is nothing short of hell freezing over, in fact he was thinking more on the 10 week scale. Then apparently there is a 2 week wait for the results to get from one hospital department to another, they really must go the scenic route. Then there is the discussion based on these results, so basically in English I will be lucky to get anywhere till after Christmas. In the plus side my GP has the ounce of common sense he was born with and has amended my medication so at least I can get out of spasm when I need to. But my count down to Christmas is now marred with this and not with getting a job as I had hoped.

Needless I can say I feel like I have my chased my tail to successfully get no where but on to another waiting list. I am getting throughly fed up with the whole situation as it is unstable more than anything. If I knew there would be pain on a constant level or something I could adjust but these highs and lows are getting wearing and now we don't even know whats truely wrong as other senioros have been added into the equasion.

So thats todays circus, the only good thing is hubbys hospital appointment went well for him and he know his health issue is not urgent and not serious. Circus is about right I am living on the merry go round I think.






















































































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Tomorrow is D day

Well actually its P day, pain clinic assessment day, and I am dreading it. I have no idea what I am walking into. Although my physio has already given me my possible options, none of us know what they deem suitable for me. Whether I am going have all my medication turned on its head just as I am getting used to it. Or whether I am going to be U turned to spinal clinic and the surgical option.

There have been may discussions about the various options I can have like which different substance can be injected into my spine. And even if I meet the criteria for them there is no guarantee I will get actual treatment this time. If I am honest the stress is showing in everyone in the house, had it not been for last nights out wearing every one out I think we would be at each others throats. As it is any irrelevant question is getting a short sharp retort.

I am meant to be having an early night so I can get up early and be at the hospital in time to find the clinic, as it is my stomach has gone into washing machine mode, with all the revolting affects food won't stay in me. It is the uncertainty of what could happen , there are way to many variables in this situation for my liking, from the possibility of getting me back to my old life to destroying any chances of that ever happening again. I don't like that many variables I like straight yes no options.

The only good side to tomorrow is the fact I had the sense to book an appointment with my GP in the afternoon so I can discuss with him what has gone on and see what he thinks about the occurrence's earlier in the day and getting his input. This may sound weird to other people but I have limits on what I am prepared to put my body through based on past experiences with operations and the knowledge I have about my own conditions. I am not going to accept surgery for surgery's sake, I would rather have a life limited to crutches than risk ending up in a wheel chair because someone didn't think opening me up would do any harm.

So here goes I am off to try and get some rest and see what the day holds, its going to be a long night.

The smoke may have settled

I have finally surfaced from last nights fun, but I am still grinning and not even the shooting pain can remove that from my face. Although the weather may have change season whilst I slept and my husband is still moaning that I was gone for 8 hours, but I don't care.

I was so hyped and more than a little tired (pardon the pun), that I barely gave credit to the show yesterday. So here goes the run down.  For a start it wasn't an exclusive event it was family fun for all with samples of different petrol fuelled activities so there was no time to get bored. Where as some types of motor sports seems to frown on the masses, this was the opposite, from my vantage point I saw every one from babies in prams to oaps on mobility scooters  The Essex Arena where we were was filling its car park continually including into the 1st half hour of the show, and as the daylight faded the spotlights came on and so did the show.

The audience got to sample the drifters showing how not to crash whilst going sideways, to a demolition derby that showed how to crash in style. There where the FMX bikers who amazed the audience with their almost flying motorcycles, which not even a slight side wind could stop. The monster truck showed what monster trucks do the best, how to crunch cars to bits. Then there were the more unusual, a firetruck spouting flames whilst doing wheelies, and not just a small wheelie but the entire track on 2 wheels and then doing a 360 spin. And a stunt driver who was doing donuts in one car having set the other off in a fixed 360 spin.. For me the most amusing segment was the reliant robins racing, those drivers had no fear landing on their roof for a past time and rolled over and back on to their wheels then carrying on as if nothing had happened. Along side this motor madness where two fire dancers whose skill always leaves me in awe. How they can dance and breath fire and not get burnt leaves me jaw dropped.

There was over two hours of family entertainment rounded off with a fireworks display which signed the end of a joyous night of family entertained that even an assortment of family dogs seemed to attend with their respective owners. But what noticeable was there were no tears or tantrums from the younger members of those audience, instead those who were tired of the excitement either blasted air horns or waved glow sticks, whilst others were amused by the bungee trampoline or face painting. It reminded me of the idea events from my childhood where everyone just had fun..

When the last firework had faded and the cars were being towed from the ring people filed out, or went to the bar where those involved wound down with a beer. I have always enjoyed motoring events and prior to being ill I was at all I could afford and travel to, for me it was great to return to this. What was more interesting was my mother's  reaction, she is 70 with the mental age of 20 I think as she is as mad about motor events as she is about horses. She has seen snippets of some of these stunts before but never an evening purely devoted to just stunts, her reaction was when can we go again. She didn't have a single complaint which for any pensioner is a miracle.

When we left no one worried about the hour drive home or the fact that clacket lane services seemed to be full of the local teenage community. We just had our McDs outside in the not unpleasant weather and continued home. I can't reiterate what a great night it was for young and old, out in the fresh air laden with the aromas of petrol and burning rubber. Can't wait for the next one

Nothing like sleep

It is surprising how a sleep can change a person or dog. Yesterday was filled with whimpering and yelping, today however is a different story now its almost full blown bounce. Although Rocky is no fool and I swear he took lessons from hubby, cause when you ask him how he is feeling he dangles the sore paw to get the extra pat and attention

Even better was the fact that due to one of their ranks being injured the others behaved, we had no mid sleep Houdini's and every cat decided to have a lie in.. This is a rarity in this house normally one or other animal decides the day starts before dawn. That said they are all awake and back to their usual tricks. Although if they wear themselves out, my outing tonight will be easier on the hubby as he has animal duty and they are prone to playing him up.

But that is the fun in this house you never know whats coming next, life is full of adventures, from catching the presents so kindly brought home by various felines, to the notification of a stranger walking past the property. I can barely remember a day I haven't had to share my duvet with something furry.That said having animals does mean that my adventures are curtailed by timing, as there always has to be one person at home with them. But tonight isn't my turn, that's up to hubby for tonight mum and I are going out with a friend. So today is spent spoiling the animals and spending quality time with them.

Although one doggy maybe feeling better than he was the fact that he was so poorly yesterday disturbed the balance yesterday and more than one of them wants extra comforts. As I type this phoenix having spent the night with me has returned from his morning walk and put himself back to bed with me. Rosie won't leave Rocky for too long and Branston is overseeing the situation. So although the medical side is sorted the emotional side takes a little longer.  Its a bit like any human trauma, for instance if you are in a minor car accident, you may walk away with say a broken leg that can be put in plaster that day and require tablets for a week or so. But its the mental trauma to you and those who love you that lasts longer. It works exactly the same way with at least my family of animals, when one is whipped to the vets in a hurry it takes a day or two for the panic and concern to settle even if we are only gone an hour. Suddenly those that you think hate each other are the best of friends. Even when I have a bad day they all alter their behaviour and routine to maintain a watch on me.

I know they say you shouldn't humanism animals or accredit them with human logic, and I spend a lot of my life repeating this to my husband, but at times their behaviour is very human like. I guess in many ways it's the pack mentality taking over. Except in the wild an older or weaker animal would be challenged or cast out, in the home situation they reflect the behaviour of their humans. So in this reflection they have taken to their beds and having an easy day to recover from yesterday. The only difference being  I am resting to be ready for my outing later today, they are resting to recover. Either way and whatever species whether it be canine, feline or human the is nothing like sleep.

Rubber fumes and flaming cars

After the week of ups and downs with pain and trauma I was looking forward to this evenings event. Thanks to my very good friend who spoils me I along with mum was driven to Essex for an evening of car stunts and mayhem. So I have slept most of the day to rest from yesterdays circus, not that doggy in question minded.

Well lets just say the evening did not disappoint, we arrived 10 minutes after gates opened and already the place was filling fast. But thanks to friends careful planning we had already secured a parking bay in the disabled space, so no massive hop for me. On entering the gates we instantly saw familiar faces from other events which made the evening more special. Even luckier was the fact that we were allowed into a VIP area so I wasn't fighting the crowds to see or even having to stand all night. So in comfort we saw the entire show and were entertained from start to end, whether it be monster trucks to drifting or FMX stunts to reliant robin racing, ending with a firework show. The evening went too quickly and before we knew it, it was 12 midnight and we were sitting in Clacket Lane services yet again on our way home.

Its been a long outing for me over 7 hours and for once it didn't feel like hard work. I was able to enjoy every minute with out feeling the constant pain or discomfort of people staring at me. Even the friends I have made over the last few years at the events didn't make a song and dance about it, instead they just made sure I was able to enjoy the event. I think for the 1st time in months mums enjoyment of an event hasn't been marred by constantly worrying about me or how I am doing. It made it all so easy for us to relax and enjoy a wonderful night out and now tucked up in my bed I am smiling to myself happy and even proud of myself. As I can smell the last of the tyre smoke and burning rubber on my clothes I can cheerfully admit, it was great to be back in that world and hope I am again soon.