Making those little tweaks

You know that horrid feeling when you have to do that great wardrobe clear out? Its finally hit me, after many years of avoidance. mainly because certain items has gone beyond the point of decent wear, and partly because I can't wear certain things with crutches.

It was originally triggered by the unforeseen death of my beloved combats. For those who don't know me I am a great believer in jeans and combats being the answer to any clothing crisis. In fact I have more in common with the top gear wardrobe than any fashion magazine. Not because I dislike fashion far from it I think its a great art form, but one that usually ends in disaster if applied to me. That and as my delightful physio words it I have the rib cage an opera singer would kill for, trouble is its stuck on a skeleton that forgot to grow the other 4 inches taller it needed to support it. Lets be clear by rib cage I mean physical rib cage not big chested, so to say I am out of proportion is a polite way to put it. So yea fashion and I don't have a friendly relationship, getting me in dress requires the words "black tie" or similar on the invite.

 I am more likely to be in converse or biker boots than heels and yet I seem to have plenty of the later and not enough of the former.I like heels granted, and actually on crutches I can probably go back to wearing them, especially as my physio went against the grain and said they actually help me straighten me up. But I doubt I need 15 pairs and counting. They are just memories of days long gone, and in half the cases they will be two small now as they were pre bust foot which changed my shoe size. That's the problem though, they are memories, and ones I don't want to lose. The scary fact is up to last week I had a dress mum made me when I was 15 for the official opening night of Aspects of Love on the west end. (25 years ago if you are doing the math). Whats worse is up to 18 months ago I could still wear it, but it was looking sad, and with all the work mum put into it I was sad to wave it good bye. There are other concert and performance dresses lurking in the back of my wardrobe as well, always been keep on the words "what if". The truth what if isn't going to happen again in most of those cases, they are gone the day my hearing went from beyond pitch perfect to -80% on the left side.

There are outfits left over from when I was working bars and helping my the flat mate with his DJing. Now they I will never fit again, I was at my skinniest ever and not a healthy way. Really they should have been ditched 10 years ago when I ditched that life. But again they were held on the dream. Pity really some of them are nice although at 30 I was able to look 25 and pull of some of those outfits, now I am 40 and battle damaged not such a pleasant effect on the eye me thinks. Back then I could rip up a dance floor with the best of them all night and attract all manor of attention, my early 30s were on par with most others early 20s.

Then there is the other part of the wardrobe, that's divided formal work and casual and there lies a problem. How much of that is going to stay, am I really going to get back to work? At the moment I really don't know and that's just depressing having to file these clothes into not sure shelves. In the hope I can get back to it. I have plenty of casual clothes but they are beginning to get worn, purely because crutches wear the arms so the clothes I am wearing to protect my arms are getting damaged at an alarming rate. Then we hit the problem can't work equals not much money equals no clothes shopping. You read about the high from retail therapy well at the moment I need that high and I can't afford it. Catch 22 really. So now face the prospect of kissing good bye to years of memories good and bad, and at present can't see a way forward to make new ones.

That's the core of the problem in all us women and clothes really. They represent so much, and can help us feel a certain way. It is like a new hair cut or colour, it is a core part of who we are. I ought to snap out of this I have done re invention before. I just find it so it much harder now as the option to go back is not so certain.  But it is these little tweaks that catalogue these moments. Hence there is a lot held in the loaded question "how do I look?" Hence the only advise I can give most men and some women when asked this question, please actually look at the person asking and pay attention. The person asking may have just made a small tweak to you but to them its a major deal, even if it seems like they may have just lightened their hair or altered the style of jacket they are wearing. To be honest I don't know whats coming next with me, I am limited by finances yes, but also with my own courage, do I go mad and go for something extreme or do I go for the subtle change, I truly don't know. One tweak or many?  but be sure my combats aren't totally gone, that's one tweak too many...