When destiny holds your dreams

This is a hard on, my life is now officially on pause till next Monday. Then all hell breaks out. I can't make any plans for anything my birthday, outings anything till after pain clinic. All because they hold the deck of cards called my life.

That sounds a bit exaggerated but there is more to it. Next Monday my husband also has a hospital appointment with a different clinic and a different hospital, to see if he needs surgery, he also finds out if he has got the job he has been promised. So basically his life is on hold as well. But because of my situation I could be referred  straight to another hospital and clinic not for pain management but for the operation that my physio, GP and myself don't think I can cope with at the moment.

So for the next few days its a case of going through the motions of living, and little else. Granted I have a nice evening out on Saturday planned, and hubby does have a two day training course on Thurs and Fri that the job centre insist he attends even tho they now know there is a possibility he won't be around to complete it. But its the days in between when we are just having to fill our time but not dare look forward or make a single plan. That's the hard part not knowing, which way any of it is going to turn out. I am not even looking on the negative side, it is just there are too many variables here to guess or gamble.

That's when a person struggles to fill their time, and when the smallest thing will upset them. Trust me its like living in the biggest cabin fever war zone ever. So now we have all been separated like warring cats I got to think what can I do or at least plan for this week then I saw the date. In a few minutes it will be the anniversary of 9/11 and slam my world is back in context. I don't think my memory can ever fully erase the memory of watching that unfold on the news.

It was another day another illness for me. Everyone else was away on holiday except my flat mate who was at work. Mum was driving down to the family in Devon and I was stuck in bed with antibiotic reaction. I couldn't believe it when it flashed up on the news and they went live to it. Unfortunately the BBC forgot to time edit it so yes those who were watching saw the full horror of people throwing themselves out the doom struck building. As I watched the second building being hit my phones went crazy because what people may or may not have known or remember is London was the other target and quietly people were being told to get out the city. Also all planes were grounded and there was this eery hush suddenly over the city and surrounding boroughs. I was trying to find ways out of London for my flat mats brother and his girlfriend as for a while TFL cancelled everything, then those that were cancelled were naturally full of frightened people. In the mean time I was also receiving calls from mum periodically pretending nothing was wrong as she hadn't heard or seen the news (she can't work car radio). Unbeknown to mum is the fact that we were actually planning getting out the area and going down to join her if it got bad, by we I mean my flat mate , 2 dogs and 6 cats and I. It was a frightening couple of hours. I don;t know I can't explain it there was a fear so great it was palatable.

As it  happened we stayed put, but that night we just keep watching and replaying the horror at disbelief. It sounds wrong but it was so hard to accept that there were real people in that whole situation dying. Those people who had all their dreams not just crushed but their very life being taken away. I don't think I truly absorbed that for a couple of days then the tears started and the grief, for people I didn't know and their families who couldn't understand why their loved ones had been killed.
It wasn't just a city in shock it was a worldwide shock, something that was repeated in London on 7/7, and that's something you don't just forget and move on from.

All I can say is yep its hard when life grinds your life to a temporary stand still, trust me I know how hard it can be thanks to illness, or for other reasons with other people. But I would rather be grateful I have a life to grind to a halt. All those people who lost their lives in the various attacks on and stemming from 9/11 deserve a moments silence from all those who lived through it. Destiny may hold our dreams, but violence robbed them of a lot more, and left hundreds of 1st hand victims and victims of their families..

May you all travel safe today and I bless all those near and dear to me, all people I have met and yet to meet and all of you my readers.