Being crushed by a mile stone

Its becoming one of those days which I wish really never happened. Everything I try to do or achieve is just crumbling in my hands. The whole run up to my birthday has become a stream of disaster and failed plans and ideas.

A simple matter of ordering a birthday present has ended in dissapointment and tears thanks to the dishonesty of people meant who are meant to be trustworthy. The event planned has been cancelled due to lack of funds and mobility, and now the Saturday either side has become booked with things like MRI scans. So even a trip to the local pub with close friends has gone.

In the grand scheme of things I should man up and just forget about it. But I was hoping my 40th would be better than my 16th (mum recovering from serious operation) 18th (ear operation)  21st (see 18th) and 30th (glandular fever and uni commitments). In fact I have had a proper normal milestone birthday. Don't get me wrong I have had good birthdays, some of which have lasted a week, but never a proper milestone one.

I know friends have been bending over backwards to try and remendy the situation, but to me its so painful. Especially when you think in May we were planning a trip to the Ivy in London for it, and now that is such a distant possiabilty, the moon is nearer. By July that idea had gone along with most of my normal mobility.

If you think about it, although I have lived with chronic illness for all my adult life, it has been brief periods of my life that have been affected. 75% of the year I have had a reletive normal time of it. But in the last 18 months it has been nothing but a slow but constant degeneration. Over this time CRPS has weakened my physical gripping ability and now made a constant grumbling pain in my back compound into at times an agonising constant stabbing, that now limits my walking to that of someone twice my age. I have spent most of the last two to three months inclosed in a 12 x12 foot room, being alowed out for medical appointments and the odd trip here and there. Those trips requiring much planning and increased pain relief.

So now you see why I wanted my birthday to be a mile stone not just towards age but instead to my freedom. A big distraction to the scan a few days later and the results following. But that has all been stripped from me. To be perfectly honest I will be lucky to get a present a couple of cards and a decorated cupcake to look forward to. I needed the distraction more than anything as I am starting to get technicoloured nightmares of the scan results. A thing that has plagued me for a long time in my life. So badly in fact I can no longer sleep with out the tv on, and thats on a good day. Now I am getting the full on horror, where I wake up and can still remeber every conversation in such detail I am in danger of not knowing the reality from the dream. So yep I do really need the distraction, but I am having to face the reality that it isn't going to happen. Its now at a point of not enough time and resources to make it happen.

Yes I am depressed, and fed up and may be being a little self centred, but once it would be nice to have a mile stone to look forward to not crushed under.