I am who I am not a copy

I guess although I am a child of the 70's and 80's I am historically misplaced. My roots lie in times past, and I am always uncomfortable in the present. A weird statement to make I know, but those who know me will understand. Even when I was little my family always said I looked like past members of my family, and yes there are similarities that I can never shake, but it cuts deeper than the physical.

You know that nasty little tingle you get and put down to de ja voi, a conversation that seems to be a repeat, or a familiar place you have never been to. Try living a life when those rare occurrences are daily. I have tried to balance these things with faith and science and can never come out with an explainable answer. The only thing I will say is I have become a great believer of genetic memory, with out sounding like a loon its the most relevant answer I can use. Some one said a near death can trigger an unknown in a person, and trust me I have been on one or two of those rides in my life so that could explain it.but for the fact it was happening a long time before I ever flat lined.

Anyway this isn't going to be a great in depth debate of the here after or whether there are such things as the super natural. I am more interested in the fact we could all use a dip in the waters of our past. especially with things like music to bring us to a place we had forgotten. Or in my case a time we never were.I am listening to music written before my first breath and finding its simplicity overwhelming. I can go to that safe place mentally where every thing is calm and pleasant, its like a mental chill out with out the whale sounds and weird lighting. More interesting is the fact that I have been told several times I am not suitable for hypnosis's yet I seem to be able to put myself in that tranquil mental place. Its the same thing when I start writing, I could go on for hours if I allowed myself to. The joke in this house is if  everyone has a novel in them like the saying goes, I would have the complete version of war and piece and  Milton's Paradise Lost in me. I guess that's why I finally got into this bloggin art. It was a way for me to reach others through my writing.

So why is this such a fond memory, it's easy when ever things got too hard going for me I dissolved into music and writing rather than the real world.  During the height of my ear operations of my teens I wrote the best part of 10 poetry columns. Some now written of as teenage scribbles, but others had an adult maturity beyond my age of the time. Even in my 30's I could write out a play in the space of a two weeks if I put the right music in my ears and head down to work. It used be a week of pure concentration, in the middle of meals I would be writing on the scrap of paper beside me or seeing the dawn in having typed none stop and living on coffee and cigarettes. I have said in the past I am child of the wrong age, but I am also a contradiction having proving I have encompassed post modernity in a fashion ahead of my years. I used to love winding up teachers by listening to headphones, writing something completely irrelevant to the lesson and then when they tried to make a fool out of me, I could repeat every word of the lesson back to them with my own opinion added.

Its these memories that make me smile the most, from a young age I have known I am a contradiction and as I got older I have also proved in some respects medically an impossibility. Yet I am still here despite most doctors saying I wouldn't make 30 and most teachers wishing I would make their class.  I am only showing my real age now thanks to medically having issues that stop me living and repairing the way I used to.  But give me a year and that may resolve itself, if I can deal with some vanity issues. Its odd as a youngster I was always told I was a adult in a child's body, now I am in that adult body I can still remember the youth and play on it. Youth is supposed to be wasted on the young, and in the modern world it is as we let our children take on adulthood before they are ready, I was the odd one out in my age range, if I was a child now I would have been less obvious. But whether I am the exception or part of the masses, there is one thing I try to install into the youth I affect and that is the lesson I learnt young. I am who I am, and don't let anyone take that away from you, be a person not a plastic replica of someone else. If you want to write, do so and if like some of my family do snow board and other extreme sports, do it. Just don't copy be an original.