Approaching 40 not so good

Just looked at the date and realised that in 11 days its my birthday. So what you may think, but for me this year is a big deal I will be 40.

That to me is a very big deal, I will no longer be a 30 something, but instead a 40er , and to be honest I don't like it. I am already falling apart physically so I don't really need my age to highlight this. I am not the sex in the city kind of girl who can whine over coffee to her girlfriends about it. Instead I go very introvert about these matters, they will play on my mind and keep me for sleeping.

There is something maudlin about saying you are 40 like, admitting everything is down hill from here. I know life has change and people are now saying life beginnings at 40, but my family have several bad mile stones, 27, 41,66 are the biggies there are the ages we tend to die at and normally quite suddenly. Now I have cheated death in some big ways in my youth, unfortunately my cousin and half brother both failed at that mile stone. My Grandmother and an uncle both went at 41 and that's whats filling me with these horrid feelings of the fragility of mortality. The worse thing is I know I am not the only member in my family who has been through this and I doubt I will be the last, but as my own health is really unstable at the best of times I am at high risk from this and hitting this birthday is really scaring the hell out of me. Especially as my scan and all those results are now due within a month of this birthday.

There are many people telling me not to think on the negative, but its a question of genetics and to be perfectly honest I have inherited the worse ones from all sides of my family. I am the genetic accident that even 50 years ago wouldn't have made it past 7 and its something I have had to come to terms with. I am being made ill by the medicines keeping me alive and after a while I become intolerant to something I need to take. So I believe my fear is justified and its with that haunting dread I am approaching the next 11 days with trepidation. And for the next few months I have a feeling every test and its results are going to be a tense and highly strung event.