R I P to the girl I used to be

Yes I know I have blatantly nicked the title from a current song in the charts, but never has a song been so appropriately released. Over the last few days I have had this song stuck in my head on continual replay. Its become like a drug I have to listen to the song at least twice daily or I am edgy. Is there such a thing as an addiction to a song? because I am danger of becoming one. What's unusual is it isn't my usual taste in music to get fixated on, I am a little less RnB and a bit more pop/rock or even classical.

So this morning I sat down and actually listened to the song, trying to dissect the lyrics to find the source of my increasing addiction. I got it narrowed down to the chorus, predominately the 1st two lines and a few random ones through out the song. Its a bit like life rattling the largest bell possible and saying "fancy paying attention anytime soon?" Or the biggest neon sign pointing the way, I have to file the past in just that, the past. What I used to be or could do, they may have to be resigned back to the pleasant memories file. I am not saying I am giving up far from it, just re aligning the goal posts to something more realistic and constructive. I won't be repeating my attempt of the London 10k any time soon even though I had plans to do a 5k in the spring coming, that's now on hold. if I am lucky I may manage something in time for comic relief but that's under consideration with my physio and multiple doctors. I have to accept for the foreseeable future, much as I hate them, those crutches are part of me.

It is the same with work I can't take on anything that I used to with crazy shifts or similar as I am now reliant on others to get me to and from if I have to travel. I also have to accept that despite my screaming people are going to be prejudice against me and I can't chase the money like I want to. Working at the moment is a total no no until the doctors have my pain levels controlled anyway as I can't chance blacking out at work or physically locking up and squealing pain, like I am at random times at present. I am certainly not rolling up and playing dead here. But I am becoming my own enemy here, my brain and git want to do more than I can physically so I am not giving myself time to heal or adjust. Like tonight because Mum is exhausted and coming down with a cold I decided to cook dinner. Good idea in principle, but I didn't just cook dinner I cleared up a load of stuff including bending to the floor to pick up stuff. I was so proud of myself until two hours later when I locked up on the stairs screaming because I couldn't take the next step for fear of leg not supporting my weight on the impact of the step. Ten minutes it took me to get to the bottom and there is nothing anyone else can do I have to wait for the spasm to ease on its own for fear of doing more damage. So basically I have to accept there is not going to be any great progress till at least the 17th when the hospital pain clinic get hold of me. Yes I know its a little over two weeks away, but when each day feels like a lifetime its a bigger ask.

What that song and in truth the whole of my body is trying to tell me is my mind may be still running at the level of me in my 20s but my body isn't. The only sugar in this medicine is thinking back to an interview Harrison Ford gave in the late 1980's when he was in his mid to late 40s, about the time he did Indiana Jones and the Last crusade and they asked him how much longer would he do action films, his answer is a stroke of genius "It ain't the age its the mileage".  How true is that, I have more in my life than many get the chance to. By 19 I had played at the Purcell Rooms London, and the Tivoli Gardens Denmark, Been on 3 TV shows and was a national champion 3 times over in music alone. I had also a radio series, many play performances and directed my own show, under my belt. Not counting running for Britain in orienteering, being one of the youngest staff on the marathon finish and it keeps coming. So yea I have done some mileage may be its time for a  full MOT and maybe some more parts replaced.

It may be RIP to the girl I used to be .. time for an upgrade and that takes time to rebuild.